reflection

I often think about previous events in my life to see where I can improve myself, things I do and say, and how I want to impact the people I see everyday, especially my family and friends. 

There is so much going on in my head that I want to write it all down but one of the things I have to learn to do is to focus on one task and see it to completion.

This is my attempt. 

I reflect on a special friendship I've had for a very long time. We had a great time being teenagers. So much of who that person was is gone now. For the both of us. We accomplished so much over the years, developed our abilities and progressed in areas while other areas weakened. I know much of how I communicate with people actually became less forward to people, more considerate, and I became more grateful for the present. 

My observation of my dear friend, she was wild, carefree, spontaneous and fun. She was the opposite of me and I loved it. Without her, I probably would still be living in a shell. She brought me out to see the world in a new light. As we grew older and wiser, I watched her lose her wild, carefree, fun self and change into a loving, caring yet complacent person - almost afraid. Afraid to remember the person she was, afraid to change her comfort level, afraid she might not be good enough. 

I know what she's capable of. I know she can tackle the world on her shoulders if she just tried. And if she let go of the shackles, she'd see it too. 

I would give the last drops of water to watch you survive. 

Just give me the word and I will be there for you.

Work to Live

In Europe, work to live is the lifestyle. They harness the family.
In the US, it's quite the opposite. People strive to do better for themselves in the hopes of doing better for family. So work becomes first priority.

I have three children now. I want more than anything to do better for my family but not at their expense. My children need me as much as I need them. There needs to be a better way so they are not impacted by my life.

Before this, I was very good at keeping work and personal life separate. No one knew at work about my personal life outside of me mentioning my children. They didn't know about my rockstar husband, my tattoos, or that outside of work, I'm pretty straightforward with what I say and less likely to befriend you. At work, I was helpful, a social nazi, upbeat, and a cheerleader. Separation of the two is what I really liked. But for whatever reason, I did not stay with this theme, and for this reason it has complicated matters.

It is up to me to learn what needs to be done. So I push forward to find the answers. --> NEED

Memories

Every moment, is an opportunity to create a memory. As time goes on, our memory starts to fade and only the important or profound experiences are put to memory.

I have tried to remind myself to blog about my day, and each day that passes by, I've forgotten to do so until today.

There has been tugs at my heart lately making me think of what I'm doing, who I'm impacting, and if I am making a difference in someone's life. Thoughts that made me think of what I want to do with my life. So I was reminded of my goals and it put me on a track but in doing so, I've tried to commit to memory the things I've taken for granted before.

The other day, I played a song in the car that I made my children listen to. It's one of my favorites. The last time Phyre and Phoenix heard it, they were 3 and 1 respectively. It would be remarkable if either one could remember this song but as it was playing, Phoenix said, mommy this song sounds like it was in a movie. He continued to say, It sounds like a bird, but it also sounds like someone died and went into the water. Mommy this song sounds like it could be for YaYa (Jimmy's father who passed away when he was one). 

Phoenix was right, I put Yanni's nightingale on a photo montage that I made for the funeral. Could it be that he remembered? Phoenix and Yaya were inseparable and Yaya took care of him while I worked that entire first year since his birth. 

It also reminded me of the things that are important in our life. Our family. And each day, I feel like we have to be reminded that our family should always come first until our children have their own families to tend to.

This memory was a special one. And I hope that I'm able to commit more moments like this to memory. Each day is a blessing when I can wake up with my family.

Fortunate

I have been fortunate to have a life that brings me continuous happiness. I have expounded on my life and the emotional journey that I took to get me to this place. I have learned so much from so many and I thank everyone who I have met that provided me with the knowledge and experience (big or small) that "molded" me to who I am. 

Phyre asked me to turn down the music in the car today because she was busy dreaming. I thought it was wonderful for her to be able to dream up such beautiful dreams that even music was disrupting her dreams. I want her to be able to dream as much and as big as her heart desires but I know that some people find that dreaming is a waste of time. I don't agree because without my childhood dreams, I wouldn't have Jimmy or my beautiful children, and I wouldn't have had Maika Lee. But my "fortune" allowed me to live my dreams.

Today, I am thinking of so many things. I think of the day that I will be able to accept another dog in our home. Excited for the opportunity to have a loving and loyal companion and anxious to see if my heart will allow me to move on.

 I think of the experiences I have had recently that allowed me the opportunity to see things as they are and to let go of what I had hoped. In so many instances, I find myself wanting to trust too soon, to give my friendship 100%, a consideration that is only limited to me. There is no down to this, but it reels me back to the reality that friendship, the kind that is unconditional, is very rare and only a handful of people in my life have mine but sometimes I'm all too willing to give it to people undeserving of it. It brings back to reality that I believe in the good of people but some people can only go so far for anyone but themselves.

Then, I find a humbling moment for myself. A sort of self affirmation. I may have given people the honest truth without filters, giving them the impression that I am not a pleasant person. But the truth of the matter is, I like to see the good in people until I can see that a person is not good. I am not talking about lifestyles, choices you make that is who you are, but I'm talking about the way people treat other people or animals, and how one reacts to the needs of others. I have wonderful friends and family who do things that I do not agree with 100% but their life is not mine to live so there is no reason for me to judge what they do. My opinion and feelings are my own that works for my life and my family. It's a little reminder to myself that I am not a bad person or the bitch that some people want me to be. Trust that I am not but know that at any moment I can be if you so desire.

Lastly, I have dreamt up my own dreams. I can only believe that one day they will come true. I've made decisions in my life that will hopefully lead me to this dream and I look forward to that moment and sharing it with the people I love.

Family

I can recall memories when I was a child that were very happy. Camping in New Hampshire, all of the outdoor Filipino parties we would attend, meeting Lolo Reyes in the U.S. and he buying me my first cabbage patch kid, my sister and best friend - Jeny - who did everything with me. I remember being very happy as a child but those happy memories stopped and all I could remember after 9 was the turmoil our family went through. It was just my parents and my siblings (there are five in total) in the US. I had no aunts or uncles, cousins or grandparents in the states that we had so it was instilled in us that family, our family of seven, were all that we had and that we should love each other always. Part of that meaning I can thank my parents for - always reminding me of that and one of the few things that I am instilling in my children.

As I got older, I've experienced many events that were not simple, were not pleasant, and were quite confusing as a child. At 10, I welcomed my baby brother, the last of the five. I was ecstatic to have a baby to pretend to be mommy with and that's what I did any chance I had. My parents were going through their own hurdles and I knew that their relationship was ending. It took them a long time to finalize it and in that time, there were no more happy memories. My father worked three jobs, my mother was very unhappy. In her state, she became very distant. I can say that now because I'm an adult and recalling those memories in the sequence that they happened, I am more apt to put the puzzle together and form my own opinions. She must have felt unwanted, angry, and self-pity. I don't know because I'm not her but I can imagine how I would feel if I were her in that position. So she threw herself in things that busied her mind - majong, cards, bingo, friends. Needless to say, there were many memories of having no parents at home. There were five of us - I was the second oldest so technically, I could manage the children when they were away. I grew up quickly. It didn't feel any different than what my friends were doing, it felt normal and I wanted to help my mother. I think that's why there were always people in our house, they were very "cool" about having friends over that it was often was the place to hang out. Our house was the natural party house. Slowly I saw a pattern of events. There would be a gathering, someone would create or spread gossip, and my mother would stop talking to someone. Her events became smaller and soon, non existant. She had no more friends. I didn't really think about this until recently. But now in my situation, I find it very coincidental that over a period of time, her friendship with the people I grew up with, ceased. Did she drive them away? Was she too judgmental or concerned about their problems that she took it personal?

All the events in my life, the good, the bad, and the ugly, were all meant to happen. Some people that go through what I've gone through - sulk or have pity on themselves but I took them and learned. I learned to be stronger. I learned for my children so that I could share my experiences with them as they get older and hope that it helps them in their life. I rationalized everything and distanced myself from our family motto of loving one another no matter what because I believe that love is conditional. You want to give unconditional love to people but sometimes the rules change. When they do, it's time to change the conditions of love.

January 2011, an event changed my life forever. It gave me new perspective, it made me stronger, wiser, and created conditions. I've lifted a weight in my heart that has held me down since I was a child. A memory I hid from the world because of how I was brought up to love no matter what. But overtime, I realized that some people bring no value to your life, even if they are family, and when that happens you have to learn to let go. So I did. I accepted what it was and moved on but my mother had a different view. She wished me well and moved on with her life and I followed suit. I cannot regret a decision that was not my own. I have a bond between my sisters that is like no other. I still care for my little brother like the baby he was when she brought him home from the hospital. So there are many times when we are all at the same event and the relationship is still silenced. It does not bother me because it has been a welcomed change - I don't have to listen to moods, endure senseless complaints and domination, and hear how disrespectful everyone is to her when she doesn't see any of her wrongs, especially the anger she gives when you don't agree with her. My relationship with my sisters and brother have not changed. But I have listened tentatively, for the benefits of my siblings knowing and respecting that they have a relationship with her. I have watched her drive her friends away, drive me and my sister away and recall every event that she was involved in and twisted it around to make her look like the heroine.

I know my siblings. I know they love her and they probably don't see things the way I see them. But I've rationalized with the events, personalities, and made my own conclusion.

I have chosen to keep the people who bring value and kindnesses in my life and my families while disposing of those who do not, regardless of relations. I believe that family does not have to be blood but I have an immense joy being with my blood family where ever they are at. The safety of my children means more to me than mending a broken relationship with family. What people think of me does not hurt me so think what you would like because my life still goes on. Don't linger on the past because it keeps you from making the best of your future. What has happened to me, to my family, in the past was unfortunate. I believe it was for a reason and I don't see any reason to fix it. I have done no wrong in assuring that Jimmy and my children are kept safe and happy. I will have no regrets in the end due to these changes and decisions. I believe that this is what's supposed to be but I often think that one of two things will happen at the end for her - she'll realize she was wrong and wished she'd change or she'll believe she was right all along. Either way - she'll be miserable and I'd like to feel sorry for her but that is her decision and not mine to dwell on. I can only control myself but I wish the best for everyone.

Looking forward to the future, blessed to have today, and thankful for the past.

Today is a good day.

I woke up at 4:30am to prepare for the day. I prepared myself mentally for everything including my baby boy.
By 5am I was packed and driving and surprisingly Phantom was awake for a minute to acknowledge that we were on our way to the hospital.
This journey has been a long one and it's not just my son's journey.

Back when Phantom was a baby he showed very early signs of allergies and eczema. Doctors wanted to dose him with medications that I knew were very harsh. So I opted not to go with what they recommended at the time and chose a natural route. His natural medicines came from California, prescribed by a physician who has a proven record with assisting children like Phantom and he was Chinese. For a little over a year, Phantom was vegan and very accepting to taking medication he didn't really like. But this type of medication isn't covered by insurance so Jimmy and I tried to do this for as long as we could until we couldn't anymore.  At that time we switched to western medicine. All the physicians he saw recommended something. He couldn't undergo sleep studies because his allergy/eczema were too extreme to keep the sensors on him long enough to record results. They wanted me to do this surgery last year and I refused. But after three years of constantly being sick, I've agreed to it. This was not an easy decision but now that it is said and done, I know it is the right one. I know it's common, but when your child has to go through something and they aren't able to understand why - why do I hurt? why do i have to do this? why is it hard to swallow? why can't I go home? , You pause to ask yourself is it really necessary and is there another way.

He was fantastic. Went through it without too much of a fuss. He woke up and looked at me and gave me this face without saying a word. By the time we got to his room, he was talking and reciting his favorite lines from his favorite movie - Real Steal. I knew he was doing well. 

But the best part is, he was able to get a little something in his belly and dosed off to sleep. And for the first time, he's NOT snoring or completely congested where you can hear the mucus as he breaths. He is clear as a bell. 

 To make things even better, everyone here at Arnold Palmer Hospital is absolutely fantastic.

One thing I'm always concerned about is Phantom's dietary needs. His allergen list might be short but those items are in everything we eat. It's in his file here at the hospital so anyone that brings food to his room should know his limitations but I had a visit from the dietician who provided me with menus and options that will meet his needs. Phantom's medicine is also being given by the hospital because I didn't bring it with me. People have brought him toys to play with and my father came to give my boy a balloon.

So remember when I said I was preparing for today and the journey lead me to this moment.

All of what I've kept from my family, I was able to finally tell him everything. He understands why and is in agreement with me. My fear when I was a child that he would do something drastic to right a wrong for his daughter was on point. I think I know that now even moreso as a parent. You would do anything to keep your children safe and when you can't, the only thing you could think of is to make it right. but making it right doesn't mean it's the right decision. As an adult telling my father, we were both in the right place to deliver and take the information with a logical state of mind.

So for Phantom and for me, today is a good day.

He is beautiful. Sound asleep at my side. I can't wait for him to wake up so we can go roam the floors!

Why?

I have followed the happenings of Trayvon Martin from beginning.
I've heard many differences of opinion.

It is clear that many things have gone wrong and it starts from the beginning.

This is my opinion on this story. The beginning start with George Zimmerman, being a self appointed neighborhood security, who took his duty very seriously. My theory is based on opinions I've heard from people (not law enforcement) who own guns. There is a sense of power with owning a gun. It's also a well known notion that firing in self defense usually gets you out of hot waters. That is exactly what George was thinking when taking on the neighborhood watch duties - waiting for the opportunity to "legally" use his gun in self defense. Trayvon just happened to fit the perfect scenario for what he has been waiting to do.

Yes there were previous robberies in the neighborhood, supposedly done by young black males. Yes he was stereotyped because of the color of his skin. But George was asked not to pursue him. Instead he pursued waiting for the opportunity to arise and it finally did ending in Trayvon's death.

It is not okay and this situation needs to address more than just the unjust murder of a teenage black boy. It needs to address the gun laws that allow any person to take a silly course in order to own a gun legally. There needs to be more than just a course.

Justice for Trayvon is justice for all people of color.

To help or not to help.

My sister told me of this movement that has been going on called Kony 2012. Anyone will tell you that I'm already a believer in supporting a good cause and although I am not 100% on current events, I do know of many things going on in the world. I knew of Kony and I knew what was happening in Uganda.   But like many Americans, if it isn't in front of us, we quickly forget about it. That's what I did. I forgot.
There are many arguments against helping and many agreements to help. No one is right or wrong. That is what's great about our country, we can all agree to disagree and no one should ever hold that against you.

These are my thoughts on this situation and others. You don't have to agree with me but I have listened to the arguments and I believe the right thing to do is to help.

I have been told that one argument is forcing our military to help in another country's problem. I've heard the argument that we should focus our money in America instead of sending it to another country. What about the other country's that need it, China, Columbia, Haiti, Russia and the list goes on. All very good arguments.

Here are my thoughts.

American soldiers joined the military knowing that they may be sent off to any assignment to fight. We as Americans believe that our troops are fighting for our freedom and that is exactly what they are doing. But there are times, many times, where our troops are sent to countries to fight for freedom that may not be America's fight. It might be a Ugandan fight. It might be Vietnamese. Whatever the cause is, OUR troops are doing something amazing for the human race and the human race includes Americans. They may not be fighting for us, but they are. People may not agree. They may call it forced, but does anyone truly want to hold a gun and aim at a person. No. They are "forced" because it is their job. So why not send 100 people to Uganda to find the number one international criminal. What if Joseph Kony decides to target Americans in Uganda. Do we then fight because an American is involved? Why wait, why not act now? My little brother has joined the military and my brother in law has served two tours (I think). There are many that I know that have been in that position and I know that if it was the right thing to do, they would do it.

On contributing funds to the Kony 2012 cause. Your $5 can help their cause. If you want to take it a step further buy a shirt for $25 or even more $30 will give you a shirt and a kit to help spread the word. Does any of these amounts truly hurt the working average American. It does not. You might say we should concentrate on our own country, but what many fail to see is that Americans live in luxury. Our standard of living is much higher than anyone outside of America. We live in three bedroom homes with a bed for each person. Sleeping on floors or on top of other people isn't normal in our culture. In Uganda, that's the only option they have, especially to keep safe from Joseph Kony. Families cram inside a building, children laying on top of their parents, row by row, next to other families all trying to keep their children safe from being stolen and enslaved to kill or daughters who are used for sex. If it was Phyre, Phoenix or Phantom, there would be no question to the extent I would go in finding the person who would hurt my children. Imagine if it was your child. . . but you don't have to imagine because it will never happen to you. We don't live in a world where children are stolen to kill people or raped by soldiers. We even have the luxury of sending our children to school. So we spend $5 for a cause that will help a horrible man get captured. You can donate it, know you've done something to help, and then go about your day. These people in Uganda, they have to think of the fear ever second of their lives.

What about the other countries. If you are like me, you probably walk by a girl scout table and buy cookies just to help them. Or donate a dollar at the register for SPCA. Whatever the cause is, I'm willing to help. There are things in our power to help. Right now, what is in all of our power, is raising awareness to find the number one international criminal because we are being empowered to do so with the help of Jason Russel and the Invisible Children. If you watch the video, and you still feel that it isn't a worthy cause, no worries. There is no reason for you to do anything more. No one will say otherwise. But if after you view the video (you can click on Jason Russel's name to view video), you want to help go to the website and purchase a bracelet or get the kit.

Whatever your choice is, it's the right one for you. My choice is to help.

It's over

I had a big secret. I kept it only because I was afraid to say it. Anytime I thought about it I'd cry so the less I said the better I was. Trucking along holding it in, knowing what might be but praying that it won't.

The wait is over. I can breath. It has been extremely emotional for me. I think everyday of the what if's of losing my husband or one of my children and even the thoughts of them losing me. But no one can prepare you for that loss and I had to think of the what if's of losing one of mine.

In January, Phantom continued being ill that his doctor recommended that he get tested for Cystic Fibrosis.  Lord when she said that my heart dropped. I didn't want to believe that it was a possibility but I knew that it was necessity. It is better to know than to not know. So I told only the people that I knew would hold my secret and could comfort me in my time of need. I waited until I had to take Phantom to Arnold Palmer to get his test done. As he sat in my lap while they strapped on the test to each arm, he cried a little bit but was so brave and patient with the nurses. We waited. The test collects sweat and depending on that result, tells us if he has or does not have Cystic Fibrosis. The first test did not collect enough sweat. I started to think the worse because the doctor told me that the lack of sweat can be a result of this disease. So they reran the test. I was told that the results would be faxed to the doctor on the same day. To try and push through the emotions, I took my little man to Islands of Adventure. He took one picture with Spider Man and walked to Dr. Seuss and he wanted to go home. He just wasn't up to have fun. 
We walked slowly back to the car. Phantom is such a great boy. He's far from lazy. Loves to walk so he walked from IOA to the car without a stroller. If you've ever been, that's not a short walk. But we were hand in hand, walking and talking. OOOOing and AAAAHing at everything. Capturing every moment we can because I still didn't know what the results were. I hounded the doctor that same day and the next day to get the results...

AND he was cleared. NO Cystic Fibrosis. I can handle taking care of his allergies, skin, ear infections, URI, and everything else that comes along the way, but I won't and I can't handle the thought that I might lose my babies.

I can breath because it's over.

Over exaggerated

If you know me, your opinion might be different from someone else's.

I feel more emotion than the average person. I am an over exaggeration of emotions and I'm not talking a crying mess, I'm talking happiness, anger, fright, you name it, multiple by 10 and thats how I react and feel. On the extreme side of things, I jump easily when things happy all of a sudden even if I'm watching a cartoon. When I don't care, I really don't care. If I'm angry I cry. If I'm sad I cry a lot more.

This is the reason I choose my friends. I put all my emotion into cultivating my friendships that there isn't enough energy to put into friendships with people that do not have a significant purpose in my life. That doesn't mean I dislike like anyone because there are few people that I truly dislike. But there is a switch on those that I do not call friends. It is easy for me to flip on and off.

For my friends, and I will be honest, I don't have many. My heart and soul will go into that friendship.

There has been a lot of emotion for me these last few weeks. All of them extreme. I don't know how to put my emotions in check and I really don't think I need to. I like being able to express myself even if it might be cold and heartless or a weeping mess. I do know that just because I am a cryer, that doesn't mean I am not strong. My strength is much more than one could imagine and...

I will survive.

No news is good news

It has been a long time since I last posted a blog. So much has happened. It's been a journey through life that I've been nothing but thankful for. Since my last post, I traveled to NC for training. Met some really awesome people, one of which is in this super goofy picture. Jason was my pool pal while we were trapped at hotel Aloft. At least it was a nice hotel and it had a pool table. Made the time there not so bad. I know we were both missing our families back home and we talked about them constantly. It's good to meet people who have a love for their family similar to your own because Lord knows where my heart is.

I've had moments of serious sadness missing my girl. Think about her every day and wishing that dogs could live forever. She'll always be with me.

In my moment of sadness, I had the incessant desire to find a puppy for the kids. There was a hint of need for me because my pain was so deep losing my Maika. I knew what kind of dog I wanted and I knew I didn't want anything like Maika. Not yet. She's my girl and I didn't want to replace her. I wanted to find a dog the kids would really enjoy and I did. Meet Penny Lane. 

We had Christmas fun. It's really fantastic having children and watching their excitement during the holidays. My children are like many children in the US. They have multiple Christmas'. One at home, and one at each grandparent's home. We have a large family so each child gets a million gifts on top of what Santa gives them. We're very blessed to have the family that we do and how close we are to each other. I'm thankful every day for my family.

I bet you couldn't imagine the enormity of the love that I have for my husband and children. This face makes me laugh, cry, smile, and everything you could feel in your heart, and from your head down to the tips of your toes. He's my baby and he's so very special. Much of my time is caring for this little guy but I don't mind it one bit. He is my Phantom.

 My beautiful girl. She's really the perfect girl that I could ever ask for. She's talented beyond belief and I love her dearly. My Phyre.

 Take a look at my big boy. Phoenix is my little genius. He has amazed me more than you could imagine.  He has learned things faster than most children at just about everything he does. He learned to walk fairly young at 10 months old. He learned to transform complex transformers at the age of 2. He has learned dinosaurs, robots, sharks, you name it, my boy can tell you about it. He is amazing and my little love muffin.

Take a break. Check this out. That's me!

 Took the kids to have breakfast with ELMO at Sea World and saw Lazy Town live! Phantom had a blast but Phyre was too old for the show. My children are growing up too fast.

My big boy turned 5. I remember when I couldn't imagine Phyre turning 5 let alone Phoenix. They grow up so fast and before you know it, I'll be "driving them to the mall to hang out with their friends" sneaking behind them to make sure their safe. Here are all my children on his birthday with their cousins CC and Cito. Makes me laugh every time I see this picture. Thanks Tita Sarah!

My big boy on his big day!
















Lastly, back in December my professional work husband and I decided to make our office more homely. I committed to painting a picture for the office. When we were done sprucing it up, I started to gather the supplies needed for my painting but quickly realized that what I envisioned was more complicated than I originally planned. During a very busy time in the office, my class, my children, husband, and the challenges in between, I became obsessed with finishing this painting. Jokes were made at work about how I had time to do this but no one knows what I am capable of doing.  If the people at work knew what I do, no one would question that I don't make good use of my time and in my spare time at home, I finished this amazing picture.

To conclude, I find myself closer and closer to my vision. It is only a matter of time before I accomplish what I need to and create a new vision. To the love of my life, Jimmy Kwong: You are my everything and everyday I am thankful that you chose me to share this amazing life. I am so proud of all of your hard work that put forth into your dream only to see it finally come to fruition. I love you.