Epiphany

I had to think about when it all started, how I decided to be different.
Last night, I remembered what set myself apart from others.

In my first year of college I met some really great people. Maves is still one of my best friends today. There was another gal who I befriended before Maves. She was such a great person and during our first week, when freshman were being welcomed to school, she wanted to go home. She was from Connecticut and already home sick. We had a great time during that first week of school and I convinced her to stay. Our friendship grew. She was just down the hall from me in the dorm,which  was really great. Then Jeny came to stay with me in the dorm on weekends or during her breaks. If I had class, Ana would be nice enough to hang out with my sister while I was in class. But when I came back to see that they were having so much fun, I became very jealous. I don't know why, but in my jealousy I made the rest of Ana's year at school miserable. I stopped hanging out with her and I probably did some out right mean things.

Anyway, over the years I thought about it every now and again and tried to reason with myself as to why I would do such a mean thing. Then around age 25, I got a second job at a popular retail store and I saw these barrettes that were cursive letter A's. There was a matching purse to go with it and I decided to buy them and send them to her along with a letter apologizing for my ridiculous acts and hoping she would forgive me.

She did. I spoke with her shortly after she got the gifts and she said she wore them out to dinner with her boyfriend and it just so happened that he proposed to her that night. It was a good feeling to know that after all these years, she was still kind enough to forgive me.

When I think back to that time, I remembered that was when I had my epiphany. I decided not to be this crazed jealous person anymore always worried about everyone else and someone who was reactive and mean. If you knew me before I decided to be who I am now, you would notice a difference. But who I am now is who I've made myself be. I'm happy with who I am. I wish others would have epiphanies to allow them to see their own wrongs instead always trying to find wrongs in others. It's a much healthier way of living when you can see what affects your own actions have on others instead of what others are doing.

Peace be with you

Heart shaped cookies

Today is Valentine's day. I'm preparing heart shapped valentine cookies for Phyre's Kindergarden class thanks to Matt who saved the day by bringing me an egg to make the cookies!

But today I wanted to reflect upon the more recent days. Saturday, I had my first Purple Aura Jewelry party. I had some very dear friends who joined in on the introduction of PAJ to Orlando and a few family members. I got some great feedback and felt more at ease with what I am doing for PAJ and myself. I have the support of Jimmy Kwong who helps inspire me and develop ways to make this better.

Sunday, Jimmy and I went to see the joining of Michelle and Dan Predko. It was one of the best most touching ceremonies and receptions I've ever been to. They've been through so much and knowing their devotion to each other, makes the world a better place. It was a reminder to all of us who attended that the person you love, may not be there tomorrow. That you have to do all you can for that person today. I wish you two many more happy memories in your future and feel honored that I was able to witness all of your happy moments on your special day.

Today, Valentine's Day, I am overwhelmed with the love of my family. Jimmy who makes every day better just by being you. My beautiful boys who wake up briefly to see where I am, sleep in their eyes, and nudge closer to me and fall right back to sleep. And my beautiful adoring Phyre who tells me she wants to be just like me. Who deserves such love? Everyone does. I'm very fortunate to have my family whom I love with all my heart!

the best thing

It's 4:30am and I laid next to my son watching his eyes get heavy with each blink, his breathing slow to a calm easy pace, the pucker around the nipple of his bottle slow to a stop, until he fell asleep. And when the bottle dropped to his side, and the lids of eyes didn't open, my heart smiled and I knew I was watching the best thing in the world, my beautiful little boy asleep.

Lately, this has been a ritual with him. He hasn't been able to sleep at night and one of us, Jimmy or me, stays up with him until he can. I know he's needed us to fall asleep but mostly his eczema keeps him up. Today though, he was up because he wasn't tired. No itching. No crying out in pain. No frustration. Just pure happy energy. And I, having took a short nap, didn't mind it at all. Any night that isn't full of painful itching is a good night for him.

Some parents may read this and think that I'm absolutely absurd to allow our children not to have a set schedule of bedtime. We never did and probably never will. Right now, they are able to get a full nights rest no matter what time of day they sleep. They are loved, nurtured, kept well and safe, and are extremely brilliant children without a schedule and it works for us.

I'm thankful for the nights that I know Phantom is well. And even though I'm up at 4:30am writing this blog, I'm happy knowing my boy fell asleep because he wore himself out playing instead of itching. One day, the nights like these will be more frequent and sleep will come easier for us all. Tonight, I'll just cherish the thought that I know he was happy just before he fell asleep and his mind is in a good place dreaming good things. Now it's my turn. Good night.

The Egg

By: Andy Weir

You were on your way home when you died.
It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.

And that’s when you met me.

“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”
“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.
“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”
“Yup,” I said.
“I… I died?”
“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.

You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”

“More or less,” I said.
“Are you god?” You asked.
“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”
“My kids… my wife,” you said.
“What about them?”
“Will they be all right?”

“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”
You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”

“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”
“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”
“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”
“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”
You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”
“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”
“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”
“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”

I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.

“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”

“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”
“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”
“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”
“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”'
“Where you come from?” You said.
“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”

“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”
“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”
“So what’s the point of it all?”
“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”
“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.

I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”
“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”
“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”
“Just me? What about everyone else?”

“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”

You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”
“All you. Different incarnations of you.”
“Wait. I’m everyone!?”
“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.
“I’m every human being who ever lived?”
“Or who will ever live, yes.”
“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”
“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.
“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.
“And you’re the millions he killed.”
“I’m Jesus?”
“And you’re everyone who followed him.”
You fell silent.

“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”
You thought for a long time.
“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”
“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”
“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”
“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”
“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”
“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”
And I sent you on your way.

Road to Recovery

I've gone through much in my life that has allowed me to be who I am today. But tomorrow, I may experience something that will make me a better person the following day. This is how I've decided to live my life a very long time ago. A friend of mine, Stan, posted this on his FB page. It is not his quote but it defines how we all should live,

“You only fail at something if you didn't learn anything from the experience".


I have revealed an inner burden that I was capable of locking away for so many years. In so many ways, I feel a sense of relief. In others, there are so many unknowns that still hold me back from fully letting go. In due time, I hope to.


 I know for certain that I will keep learning and changing myself for the better. I know that Jimmy will always be by my side and my children will always make me smile and love me unconditionally as I will all of them. 


I'm living in the now, not the past, and not the future but I'm grateful for it all.