The Race

The era in which we live in now is all about change. Accepting, denying, and making changes. It's actually enlightening when you sit back and see where we, as a country, were and where we are now. Yes we disagree on topics but we've come a long way to be able to disagree in an adult and civil manner.

Our country has seen a shift of being more accepting to people outside of said "NORM" defining the norm is in the eye of the beholder. I've heard statements like being gay is the new black, as in the color, not the EEO code used in employment. Or the big topic now is race and who is or is not racial and everyone has an opinion. More on gay later.

My opinion is only signficant to myself. A simple observation of all. I do have opinions and find things in all statements that I can agree with to an extent. I am a Filipina. That means I am a woman of Filipino origins. My husband is Chinese. Technically speaking, we are not of the same race. Ask any Chinese person and they'll agree. But people see two asians and they say, that's normal when really Chinese people do not like it when you marry outside of their race. I'm fortunate to have Jimmy's family because they are not like typical Chinese people. But I have learned a lot about this culture.

FB is like a sounding board of opinions. You can choose to agree or disagree or ignore. People are very passionate about their views that virtual friendships have been lost over it. Virtual friendships, to me, are no comparison to a real friendship. So if you lose a friend or three, so be it. Your FB life still goes on and more importantly, your real life still goes on.

So here is how I weigh in on this topic of race.

Our great country had inhabitants already on this great continent before Europeans came. Those people are now permitted to stay on land they call their own called a reservation. Wonderful. BRAVO America for being so nice to the good tribes of America. You don't hear about their fight for equality all too often because for the most part, they fight for what they want to preserve, like their language, their heritage, their way of life. No one argues. 

Then Europeans came to conquer the land and claim what they believed is rightfully theres ignoring the people who were here first. We now call the majority of these people WHITE, not the color but the EEO Code. They brought many things with them on their journey to conquer all - including rodents, diseases oh and yes, slaves. 

Our country evolves because people evolved to be more sensitive and compassionate towards others. Slaves started to take matters into their own hands. Take for instance, Mary McCleod Bethune. Her parents were slaves. She too worked in the field with her parents. She wanted to be more than a farm picker so she educated herself. In the early 1900, African-Americans couldn't go to school like the other children (and by other, I mean white people). So she taught children on her own, with her own money, and created opportunities where children of her same race could get an education. That was racism forcing a race to do what they can for themselves because no one else accepted them.

Remember, also during this evolution of America, that Asians were under scrutiny and held in concentration camps all over America because they feared one specific Asian race, so they made all Asians suffer. No one talks about that.

I digress.

Over many years, more and more people become more sensitive and accepting of people outside of their own race. Some people are more accepting then others, and some will never be accepting. 

My observation of recent events is this:

Each person is an individual and cannot be the representative of the entire ethnicity, race, or color. To say that one person acts this way so the entire (insert groups name here) acts like this, is ignorant. 

It is okay for there to be schools and organizations that promote a race like Bethune Cookman University because it celebrates where we were and where we are now. And it helps the community as a whole. There is no one suffering from these organizations and there is no promotion of hate towards other people coming from these schools and organizations. 

The reason why it doesn't translate well when having a white school or organization, is not that you can't be proud of being white, You absolutely can be proud of your race but these organizations, for the most part - as far as I know, promote the hate of every race outside of their own. Forgetting that they were not the first people who lived on this continent but believe this country was meant to be white. Selfish and ignorant. 

Individuals of all race, ethnicity groups have opinions. What I found in observing this is, most white people support their race. Most black people support their race. This is all depending on the situation at hand. but what you don't see a lot of is Asians (and by Asians I mean the entire CONTINENT OF ASIA) we sit by and watch the controversy. Because what you don't see is we generally keep to ourselves (or our group of people). What was in the past is in the past. No need to be upset about it because we look forward not backwards. Asians stick within our respective communities. Like I said, Chinese people stick with each other. It's virtually the same with any Asian group, Indians, Japanese, Vietnamese, even Filipinos. What people say and do around us doesn't matter so long as it doesn't interfere with what we're doing. 

Back to gay. Gay is not the new black. Gay is Gay. We are more accepting of it now because people have been brave enough to face their fears and be open about who the are instead of hiding it. It's not new, we are just more accepting of it as a society as we should be because who would really want to walk around life pretending to be someone else. 

And lastly, I saw a case where a comedian was sued by a lesbian couple because of the jokes that were made about gays. Don't go to a comic show if you don't want to be part of the joke. That's what comedians do. They make fun of people. It's all in good fun. I have gay friends who make gay jokes. It's funny. And it's even funnier when they can make Asian jokes at me. Why, because I don't care. A joke is just that, a joke. a jest. a comment that has no definition as to the person I am. So laugh. Laugh because it's funny. Laugh because laughing is healthy. And remember, life is too short to worry about everyone else. 

(My nature pics. Thought it would break up the monotony of words.)

Mother

Recent events are causing me to think about my life. 

I find myself recalling memories in the past and seeing it's impact in relationship to what occurred thereafter.

I remember being around many people growing up. We were always at a party or having a party. It was really nice because we (me and my siblings) would always be around other children. I think that's just part of the culture so I relished in all the fun we would have during these gathers. I was in my mid twenties when I would see the gatherings dwindle away to nothing and I didn't think much of it until now. more on this later.

Growing up, I was always sick and in the hospital. The one person I know was always there with me was my mother. I never thought about how my siblings were being taken care of because all I could remember is that my mother was with me. It's a great thing to remember loving memories like this and I don't take anything away from her because in this respect, my mother was always a great caretaker. She'd make you soup and tend to you to make sure you felt better. This I learned from her and thankful that she tended to me like an only child all those years I took her away from her other children.

Now as a mother of three, I can't help to compare myself to the mothers I know including my own. There are many things I have yet to learn and I look up to those who have the experience having raised children into wonderful adults. 

I don't like to hide things from people or lie. I especially dislike being lied to. So it is not unknown that my relationship with my mother has been practically non-existing in the last 3 years. I'm fortunate enough to have many other mothers who treat me like their own. One of which recently passed away.

I found myself reflecting on this yesterday which I think emotionally drained me. My baby (he's four), had a tantrum and usually I'm pretty good about it but yesterday it was a lot for me and I think it's because I was already spent by the time that happened because I felt helpless.

Back to the story. During my time of reflection, I thought of how we got to this point. No one ever says to themselves, when I grow up, I don't need my mother. Everyone needs a mother or mother-figure. So I remember all the instances I could in this short period of time. I thought of how my mother, being the major parental figure in my life, cared for us but didn't care for my father. So even though her sentences would start off with, I don't want you to hate your father (or the like), she would bad mouth him and tell us how bad he was. It was instinctive for us to gravitate towards her thus creating this void with my father who I now realize didn't deserve it and who tried so hard to keep his relationship with us (even though there were mishaps between). Who's perfect really?

Over the last 15 years, I've noticed a change. This may be because I am an adult and could think for myself now or it may be that my mother was getting older and changing. I can't tell you because this is my view. I noticed that her relationship with her friends dwindled down to nothing, causing our parties to go away altogether. I noticed her moods drastically change from happiness to anger in an instance for whatever reason was causing her anger. She hated that we developed a relationship with my father. She wouldn't say it outright, but she'd say things to make you feel guilty for spending time with him. I don't believe that she thought of herself as the primary parental figure anymore because of this new found relationship with my father so she had to demean our relationship anyway she could. She was quick to pass judgement and give opinions and felt her opinions were always right. And if you didn't agree, she'd bid you gone from her life or write a letter telling you how she felt we were wrong. 

There is only so much of that I could take. I want to be stable, because even though she is the way she is now, I'm learning from her every day. Learning I don't want to be like that. I don't want those words to every come from my mouth - because what kind of mother would I be if I told my children to have a nice life and I'll be fine without you. I will never be fine without my children. 

This is where I'm at. I chose this path because I can't be like my sisters who take those notes from her like a grain of salt. Her last note was all I needed to make this choice. My sisters are not wrong either and in a way, I admire them for being able to look past all of that and be the bigger person. This is my life, I choose this path because I want a stable healthy relationship with the people around me and I want that for my children. My father can give that to me and to my children. And not that I wanted to choose him over her, but I had to, for the sake of our emotional stability and because they need to have positive figures in their life. I have an amazing mother in law. She puts me (not her daughter) first along with our children. She provides for us in all aspects of life. And I see this in other mother's like Mama Williams and Mama Ranola who I cherish with all my heart. I will never forget the moments in my life where my mother was amazing - caring for me. I will never take those great memories away from her. But I am a mother now. My concern is for my own family. And if I could have my mother in all her glory, be a stable loving figure who is free from anger and hate, I would have her in my life. And if I can't, I am happy having the mothers I do have in my life and the memories of Mama Ranola. 

Family

This week has been an emotional experience. 

The loss of of a loved one is never easy, but I've gained perspective that I had not realized before.


My family, blood family, consisting of my parents and siblings, are the only family we have here. Growing up, I was told to cherish it and support one another always. And in a sense, there was a hierarchy of relationships that began with them. But I began to realize very quickly at a young age, that even though I was not born or raised in the Philippines, my family's friends were all family as well. I had Titas and Titos, and Kuyas and Ates that were also considered family. But none of which were blood family. I didn't have the luxuries of having my actual Titas and Titos, Lolas and Lolos, to grow up with, to call upon, or to have a relationship with - so when my first lolo passed away when I was 11-12, I was crying for my mother's loss but not the loss of my lolo because I had not had that relationship. And when other blood family members would pass, I would feel sorrow but not for me, for the my parents who were grieving. I had not suffered a loss of my own until my friend Perry Roden passed away. And then I found myself grieving for the first time. And again, when Papa Kwong passed away. The most emotional and heart-wrenching weeks of my life. When Maika Lee was put down, It felt like I lost a child. And this week, when my best friend's mother passed away, my grief surfaced again. So I can say I have been fortunate in a way- that the deaths that I have experienced were few but not blood... 

This week, as I looked at the many people that came to celebrate the life of Tita Cher, I realized that my family is not all blood related and that my parent's culture, which is deep rooted in me - but not very visible, actually had so much to do with how I view my life now. That even though people are not your blood, they can still be family. 

There are five families (parents, children, grandparents,etc) that I have grown up with and called my own. Never really recognizing the impact that they had on me until this week. The Bernabe,The Kwong, The Manansala, The Williams, and The Vincente/Ranola Families. These five families have accepted me and my family into their own. And maybe this was God's way of rectifying my family by giving me all of your families to love and support as you do for me. 

On the long ride home from a heavy day of reflection and grieving, Jimmy and I spoke of life and death. We saw in Tito Bong's eyes and in his words, that we too would feel this way if Jimmy or I had to leave this earth without each other. We questioned our actions and current situation with family members - and I realized - what I have now, is exactly what I should have. I have not made it a secret that making friends isn't a strong suit of mine because of this very culture I have instinctively created for myself. Friends, true friends, become family. The amount of love, emotions, and effort it takes to nurture the relationship between friends is enormous. And so I keep myself busy nurturing the relationships I have to support my family when they need me most. And I post this, as a tribute to my family - both blood and not blood - that I will love and support you until the day I die. 

Our Children

When I say, "our", I don't mean mine. I mean our generation of children.

We have watched and learned of generations and generations of children, and the norms of each generation. 

We can recall grandparents telling us how long they've walked to get to school. I remember riding a bus to school and using the windows to get some air flow through the bus and now they have AC units and tinted windows.

My children are growing up in the age of technology. I think it's really wonderful that they have this kind of opportunity to learn through technology but I don't believe it should be a primary source of entertainment, play, or learning.

This is where I tell you how amazing I am at being a parent. Well don't hold your breath because I can tell you, I'm not so amazing as I'd like to think. And I can think of many parents who don't believe how I raise my children to be the "right" way. But I will say this, the right way can be subjective so long as you aren't hurting your child(ren), abusing or neglecting them. There is an infinite amount of love, support and guidance that I would give to my children and other people's children. But I speak loudly and I use the threat of or act of spanking as a consequence. I never do this in anger and they always know why before and after. I believe that love is not enough. That loving your child doesn't provide them food on the table, give them shelter, provide healthcare,support their learning capabilities, or need for stimulation and exercise. 

Technology does not replace you. It doesn't replace the backyard where your kids should be playing at least an hour a day (because you know that recess in school no longer exist), and it surely doesn't give your kids manners. 

We have to limit this for our children. Show them that playing outside is amazing, that learning outside of school - isn't so bad, and that saying please and thank you (and everything else they should learn) is mandatory.

My boys open and holds the door for people (even if the door is too heavy and an adult has to stand next to them for support) they know what they're doing is helping people get in and out.

My daughter has an infinite love of animals. A passion that is seen by everyone and she will pick up a caterpillar on a sidewalk to trasport him to a nearby bush so he's safe. 

Most of all, we have to trust that our kids will understand what we say to them is in their best interest. I had a conversation with my children the other day, (ages 8,6, and almost 4). My oldest understood what I was saying. But I told them that there are parts of our brain that is slower in development and the frontal lobe isn't fully matured until early 20's. This is the part of the brain that gives you consequences to actions and provides you with good judgement. Because they are so young, they have to trust that mommy and daddy make their decisions for them until they are capable of making it for themselves. My daughter, she's an amazing young lady, puts her necklace that was around her neck also around the bowl of food she was eating. I told her not to that because it will pull her bowl and spill. She said I'm sorry mommy, I did it because I thought it was fun but I didn't know better because my frontal lobe isn't finishing developing. She's only 8. I think every day that if I continue to have frank conversations with my children, then as they grow older, they will remind themselves of these conversations to help them in the future.

So here is why I'm writing. I was watching or reading something and the woman was stating that our young women look forward to the day they become a bride. What some of us forget to do while our children are young is to show them how to become good husbands and wives. We think that opening the car door for someone or preparing a meal makes them worthy of an adult partner but there is so much that goes into a relationship such as marriage or any committed relationship that we have to show them, by being the example and by enforcing to them that being a good person, will help (but not prepare), in becoming a good partner. For me, being a good mother, means being a good wife. I love my husband and I know that if I can be good to him, it will be reciprocated and our children will learn from us. We have to support our children in anything and everything that they want to do within good reason. My daughter saw a conure in a pet store and fell in love with it. The next thing I know, she wants one. I told her it's a very expensive bird. If you want it, you have to buy it yourself. So she says okay. She saved up $300 in five months. When she had $100 I told her she has to keep her money safe in the bank so she opened up a bank account to put her money in. I also told her that a conure takes a lot of work in caring for him. She wasn't deterred. So she read a book on how to care for conures. No matter how much we as parents believe it may not be a good idea, it was an accomplishment for her to do everything she was supposed to do to get a bird. If I were to deny her this privilege now, I'd shatter her dreams, and enforce to her that putting all the hard work means nothing and essentially crushing her morale and probably instilling a bit of hatred. She deserves to have the bird. And as parents, she deserves our support for her accomplishment. And we should celebrate each accomplishment no matter how little or big it is.

In closing, my husband went shopping with his grandfather the other day. They spoke about how children will be 30 before you know it. I already see how time flies now because I can remember each of their birthdays and the feelings that went along with it like yesterday. I can only hope that my children learn from us.  I want them to see a world of equality, differences that are beautiful and unique, and be accepting and helpful to their communities. I want to continue having frank conversations with my children and hope that they ask lots of questions. I look forward to tomorrow and seeing their beautiful minds develop.