Tuesday, December 14, 2010
thoughts
I'm going to take my time with this writing about my life and compose notes instead of blogging.
Life TBC...
I know that what I'm writing now may be unsettling for some but it is needed for me and who knows whomever else might read this -they may be able to relate.
When we got to our Florida home, it was beautiful. We had an extra bedroom than our NJ home and it was all together - bigger. Mom built an inground pool in the back which we took advantage of a whole lot in the beginning. In NJ my mother put us through swimming lessons so Rob, Jeny and I knew how to swim. We taught Sarah and Jeremy as they got older. It was a tough transition for me going from Brick Elementary to Ocoee Elementary. The kids were mean and called me names and said I was ugly because I was Chinese. But nothing I could tell them, "I'm NOT CHINESE", would make them stop. I befriended two people James who was black, and Sandra who was mexican. James lived in my neighborhood and we became good friend over the many years we had together throughout school.
In fifth grade, we had a father daughter dinner at school. My father lived far away so he couldn't be with me but I still went thanks to my mother who was nice enough to ask our neighbor, Christopher's father, to take me. He was such a nice man and I still had fun but it definitely wasn't the same. When my father came to visit, I was happy. When he left, I'd lock myself in my room thinking if I didn't say good-bye he wouldn't leave. But he did - every time. Eventually my image of him faded and he just became my father and my mother assumed all roles in my mind.
Throughout my childhood, we had plenty of sibling fights. Me and Rob, Rob and Jeny, Jeny and Sarah, Sarah and Jeremy and a few times with me and Jeny. It's comical now to me, we'd threaten each other that when mom left one of us would get it. That was the sign, WHEN MOM LEFT. hahaha. Back then I remember being scared but now, I find it funny.
But we still always looked forward to Christmas Eve with or without my father. My mother was still able to give us plenty of gifts and as she knew back then and now, her little children were sneaky, curious children unable to wait for the okay. See now, we didn't have a chimney so Santa didn't exist anymore. The gifts were left under the tree throughout the entire month. When mom was gone, we'd sneak and tear away the tape and look inside to see what she gotten us. Then we'd tape it back up hoping she didn't noticed. We thought we got away with it but as I know now, my mother knew the whole time what we were doing but she never called us out on it.
When we were in NJ, I remember going camping and visiting different cities and places, going everywhere with our parents and having fun. In Florida, we had each other for entertainment. So we sought it however way we needed to. I wasn't always a good child. I never did anything horrible or illegal but I did sneak out with my friends at night and the one time I brought Jeny, we got caught. Our parents, yes they were together for a brief moment in Florida, picked us up where police had caught us hanging out. It was a tough evening but an adventure nonetheless.
In high school, I was involved in many activities but Band took up most of my time. My mother came to one game during my senior year, where she walked me down the field when I was in the homecoming court. My parents were finally ending their relationship for good. My father was still unfaithful with the same woman. I figured that out after the Band's Macy's Day parade where my father actually came with us, in his own car. A way to get to the other woman. I didn't know that at the time but after so many years, I figured it out.
When I was seventeen turning eighteen, my mother decided to throw me a Cotillion. I guess it's traditional like the latin Quinceria. It was an extravagant event. 200 guest, me in a ball gown that was made specifically for me and the way I wanted it, twelve couples in dresses made for them by a seamstress, and boys in tuxes. My father chose the other woman over being there with me during my eighteenth birthday. Something that lingered on for many years until adulthood. But at the moment when he did that, I felt less of me and more like disappearing. I tried to but it didn't work. I stayed with a friend for a week and Tito Eric came to my rescue. He almost fought my father in front of my friends house. Immediately, Tito Eric assumed a role I wanted and he was the one who was there for me during my eighteenth birthday Cotillion. I distanced myself from my father from that day on. TBC...
When we got to our Florida home, it was beautiful. We had an extra bedroom than our NJ home and it was all together - bigger. Mom built an inground pool in the back which we took advantage of a whole lot in the beginning. In NJ my mother put us through swimming lessons so Rob, Jeny and I knew how to swim. We taught Sarah and Jeremy as they got older. It was a tough transition for me going from Brick Elementary to Ocoee Elementary. The kids were mean and called me names and said I was ugly because I was Chinese. But nothing I could tell them, "I'm NOT CHINESE", would make them stop. I befriended two people James who was black, and Sandra who was mexican. James lived in my neighborhood and we became good friend over the many years we had together throughout school.
In fifth grade, we had a father daughter dinner at school. My father lived far away so he couldn't be with me but I still went thanks to my mother who was nice enough to ask our neighbor, Christopher's father, to take me. He was such a nice man and I still had fun but it definitely wasn't the same. When my father came to visit, I was happy. When he left, I'd lock myself in my room thinking if I didn't say good-bye he wouldn't leave. But he did - every time. Eventually my image of him faded and he just became my father and my mother assumed all roles in my mind.
Throughout my childhood, we had plenty of sibling fights. Me and Rob, Rob and Jeny, Jeny and Sarah, Sarah and Jeremy and a few times with me and Jeny. It's comical now to me, we'd threaten each other that when mom left one of us would get it. That was the sign, WHEN MOM LEFT. hahaha. Back then I remember being scared but now, I find it funny.
But we still always looked forward to Christmas Eve with or without my father. My mother was still able to give us plenty of gifts and as she knew back then and now, her little children were sneaky, curious children unable to wait for the okay. See now, we didn't have a chimney so Santa didn't exist anymore. The gifts were left under the tree throughout the entire month. When mom was gone, we'd sneak and tear away the tape and look inside to see what she gotten us. Then we'd tape it back up hoping she didn't noticed. We thought we got away with it but as I know now, my mother knew the whole time what we were doing but she never called us out on it.
In high school, I was involved in many activities but Band took up most of my time. My mother came to one game during my senior year, where she walked me down the field when I was in the homecoming court. My parents were finally ending their relationship for good. My father was still unfaithful with the same woman. I figured that out after the Band's Macy's Day parade where my father actually came with us, in his own car. A way to get to the other woman. I didn't know that at the time but after so many years, I figured it out.
When I was seventeen turning eighteen, my mother decided to throw me a Cotillion. I guess it's traditional like the latin Quinceria. It was an extravagant event. 200 guest, me in a ball gown that was made specifically for me and the way I wanted it, twelve couples in dresses made for them by a seamstress, and boys in tuxes. My father chose the other woman over being there with me during my eighteenth birthday. Something that lingered on for many years until adulthood. But at the moment when he did that, I felt less of me and more like disappearing. I tried to but it didn't work. I stayed with a friend for a week and Tito Eric came to my rescue. He almost fought my father in front of my friends house. Immediately, Tito Eric assumed a role I wanted and he was the one who was there for me during my eighteenth birthday Cotillion. I distanced myself from my father from that day on. TBC...
Monday, December 13, 2010
This life
So here I start from the beginning. I don't recall many memories at this age. Not even this doll I'm holding. I do recall living downstairs of a two story town home, sleeping on the couch and when I awoke a huge spider was walking on top of the blanket that was wrapped around me. I couldn't scream or talk or anything because of how scared I was but my mother must of heard something because she peaked out from the corner and saw what I saw and quickly came to my rescue with a napkin and grabbed that spider right up off me. My hero.
I remember my brother and I had these tricycles, the kind that are made of plastic with plastic wheels where you sat back like a lounge chair. We used to ride in the backyard together. I remember when my sister became a little older, I knew she would be my best friend forever. During Christmas time in our home in Brick Township, NJ., Jeny and I would dance to Barbara Streisand's Christmas record. It was the happiest time for us. Our father would sing and play air guitar to his Rock songs and let us dance and run around the living room frolicking around him like he was a lead singer of the band. On Christmas eve our parents would let us stay up in a room we called the family room that was on the other side of the house and away from the infamous chimney that Santa would come down to give us presents. We'd swear we heard hooves on our roof and waited for our parents to give the all clear that it was time to open presents. I remember when Sarah and Jeremy were born but for some reason, the happiness I knew in the memories I mentioned seemed to fade away. Not because of Sarah or Jeremy but because as sadness has entered our home.
I knew my father worked a lot so he wasn't home. I didn't understand why and I didn't question anything. I took things as it is. I had this immaculate image of my father because of all the good times we had. He loves singing and all the songs that he would listen to made me a fan of that era of music because of the way he made me feel. When I was nine, we took a trip to the Philippines without my father and before Jeremy was born. It was a long trip, too long. There a cousin of mine took advantage of me and my innocents while my family slept beside me. He was so much older than me and I had no idea what to think or feel but I knew I was scared and scared for the nights that came. When we came home more bad news ensued. My father had confessed his infidelity and it was my birthday.
I didn't tell anyone about my cousin until I was much older but it didn't stop there. Someone closer to me, probably exploring or hormonal times, whatever it was, I remember. I remember the feeling because it had already happened before and I was scared again. I even sought refuge without saying a word whenever I could, and again, I never told. The sadness in our once happy home had engulfed us all and from then on, there were few happy moments of childhood. I was ten.
Because of my father's infidelity, he moved out and my mother planned to move us away from him as far as she could. In that year, they too had a moment of weakness and conceived my brother Jeremy. It did not stop my mother from moving us to Florida. There our new life would begin without my father. But as Rob, Jeny and I can recall - it wasn't always good times. TBC...
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