What comes from effort and strain

I am number 2 in a line of 5. The oldest girl. My role as the oldest girl was developed innately. I am a caretaker, a fixer, and a teacher. There are responsibilities I inherently want to take on because of how I grew up. Doing things for others, always having a purpose, keeps me engaged. I don’t resent it; it gave me direction and purpose early in life because, for the most part, I enjoyed being the person everyone could count on. I liked taking care of my siblings. It was definitely not without arguments, even at times coming to physical blows or defending each other from outsiders. When my sister was in second grade and I, her older sister, was in 5th grade, she came home crying. I asked her why, and she said a boy pushed her off her bike. So I told her to tell me where he is. I went up to the boy and told him “don’t ever touch my sister ever again”, in front of all the other kids, and punched him in his face. Similarly, while in middle school and my older brother in high school, I told him a boy at one of the bus stops was being mean to me. He did what I have done and asked who he was. So he drove me in a car to the bus stop the boy was at and drove towards the boy, stopping dead in front of him. He said, " Don’t fuck with my sister ever again.” And that boy never did. 
We fight, but no matter what, we always make amends and defend each other. This aspect of our upbringing says more about our culture than about our family. Filipinos are known for bringing in people regardless of relationship. They love passionately and seek joy in everything. Family is always first, no matter how distant the relationship. Everyone is a tita, tito, kuya, or ate, lola, or lolo. This way of addressing the people in your life creates connection, support, and a community that will support you fiercely while also talking shit about you to the titas (also a thing that Filipinos love to do).
Growing up, there was no shortage of people coming in and out of our house and sometimes staying with us because of personal issues. It was the place to be. My mother didn’t care, so people gravitated towards hanging out at the Reyes residence. I had so many friends, or so I thought, but there were a core few who were the hangout crew. After high school, one of my “best friends” slept with my ex. That broke our friendship. The other, we just grew apart. And then, out of trauma, one of the friends I had lingering in the background became the one that I couldn’t imagine life without. These experiences influenced how I would approach relationships in the future. I realized I put a lot of effort into relationships that don’t always have a mutual alignment with the word friend. It became apparent that the effort I would give didn’t hold much value to the individuals I was giving it to. So I became protective of those I already knew were aligned with me, and that group consisted of my siblings at first.
The next forever friend to join this circle was Natara. She was the one lingering in the background. We knew each other in school. She and my younger sister were closer at first, and she was our dance captain. But when she left for college, I wanted to make sure I stayed in touch. I would see her when she went to undergrad or when we were both home for breaks. Her mom and my ex’s mom also worked together for a very long time. Mama W and Natara would tell me they didn’t think he was a good fit for me. You couldn’t tell me anything in those days. I had to learn the lessons myself. 
What I realized is that I had to choose friends better. Hanging out didn’t define friendship. I started to define it the way I had defined my family. But how do you know those qualities exist in someone else? You don’t. So I looked for other things, characteristics I admired, people who were not self-serving, and looked for the joys of life. The reason this had to change is because I realized that there is no amount of effort I would put into making sure my family was taken care of. And if my forever friends are going to be an extension of family, I had to be really sure that the effort I put in my relationships is meaningful because it can be heart-breaking and exhausting when the effort is taken for granted.
I saw some of these qualities I admired in Natara. There was drive, passion for a cause, a need to never settle for less; she also loved her family fiercely, and her relationship with her brother was something that people would admire. Natara and Carlton used The Huxtables as inspiration - Doctor and Lawyer with Natara the lawyer. Sitting here thinking of those days, listening to Natara talk about her brother and seeing their bond, actually brings me to tears. Carlton lost his life after a battle with non-Hodgkin lymphoma. This is the trauma that changed our relationship. I immediately came back home when Natara called me to tell me about his passing. There was no hesitation that I needed to be there for her and her family. So I drove the 3 hours to be with them.
The thing about Natara is that she has a switch. When she switches to taking care of business, she can do it with ease. When she switches to taking care of her family, it is equally easy. That weekend was filled with an overload of both, and trying to coordinate the funeral and the people at the same time. Carlton was loved by so many. People from high school, his friends, basketball players, coaches, and those he worked with came to pay their respect. So I stepped in whenever I saw Natara needed help. I didn’t define my role, but if Natara said she had to do something, and I knew I could do it, I would do it. Consoling her mother was the hardest job for everyone. I took on some of this responsibility to help Natara since she had moved out of town. I came home to help Mama and Papa W around the house. Setting up the internet, going through old items that needed to be donated, or just taking them shopping to get out of the house. 
Later, this family would come to my rescue. During the recession, I had lost my job and our youngest was born a month later. We became a one income household with a baby who was allergic to the world. Literally. If it had not been for the help that this family gave us during those two years, it would have been a much harder time. But Mama W and Natara wasn’t haven’t any of it. And Papa W loved having the babies over. He had a cookie jar of a dog and every time you opened his mouth it would play the song “who let the dogs out”. The kids loved it and he loved playing with the kids and hearing them laugh.
You know that lump in your throat that you get when you try to hold in emotions, because if you allow the emotion to hit your eyes, you’ll fall apart. That’s what I feel now, writing about this family. How much they mean to me and how much loss they’ve endured. Later, when her father passes away, it was equally devastating to us all. The unfortunate part is that we had all done this before. There was a familiarity to the rhythm we didn’t want to acknowledge, and the realization that only the women of the family were left to share the rest of this life together. And I will be here for them until it is our time. 
Our childhood influences us as adults. How we choose to use our experience will define whether it is a life full of meaning and purpose, or one that we resent holding us hostage. There were plenty of experiences and memories that I had that are hurtful to remember. There are choices I made that I look back on and wonder why I made them. However, the things and people I choose to put effort into are the ones that have to have a lasting impact. We don’t have to benefit from the effort all the time, but we have to learn from it. The experience teaches us to form new ways of seeing the bigger picture, bringing meaning into focus. The strain we feel in the worst of times can enable you to find strength when others need it most. And the hope is that we can use what we’ve learned to support others. 

Today is a good day.

I woke up at 4:30am to prepare for the day. I prepared myself mentally for everything including my baby boy.
By 5am I was packed and driving and surprisingly Phantom was awake for a minute to acknowledge that we were on our way to the hospital.
This journey has been a long one and it's not just my son's journey.

Back when Phantom was a baby he showed very early signs of allergies and eczema. Doctors wanted to dose him with medications that I knew were very harsh. So I opted not to go with what they recommended at the time and chose a natural route. His natural medicines came from California, prescribed by a physician who has a proven record with assisting children like Phantom and he was Chinese. For a little over a year, Phantom was vegan and very accepting to taking medication he didn't really like. But this type of medication isn't covered by insurance so Jimmy and I tried to do this for as long as we could until we couldn't anymore.  At that time we switched to western medicine. All the physicians he saw recommended something. He couldn't undergo sleep studies because his allergy/eczema were too extreme to keep the sensors on him long enough to record results. They wanted me to do this surgery last year and I refused. But after three years of constantly being sick, I've agreed to it. This was not an easy decision but now that it is said and done, I know it is the right one. I know it's common, but when your child has to go through something and they aren't able to understand why - why do I hurt? why do i have to do this? why is it hard to swallow? why can't I go home? , You pause to ask yourself is it really necessary and is there another way.

He was fantastic. Went through it without too much of a fuss. He woke up and looked at me and gave me this face without saying a word. By the time we got to his room, he was talking and reciting his favorite lines from his favorite movie - Real Steal. I knew he was doing well. 

But the best part is, he was able to get a little something in his belly and dosed off to sleep. And for the first time, he's NOT snoring or completely congested where you can hear the mucus as he breaths. He is clear as a bell. 

 To make things even better, everyone here at Arnold Palmer Hospital is absolutely fantastic.

One thing I'm always concerned about is Phantom's dietary needs. His allergen list might be short but those items are in everything we eat. It's in his file here at the hospital so anyone that brings food to his room should know his limitations but I had a visit from the dietician who provided me with menus and options that will meet his needs. Phantom's medicine is also being given by the hospital because I didn't bring it with me. People have brought him toys to play with and my father came to give my boy a balloon.

So remember when I said I was preparing for today and the journey lead me to this moment.

All of what I've kept from my family, I was able to finally tell him everything. He understands why and is in agreement with me. My fear when I was a child that he would do something drastic to right a wrong for his daughter was on point. I think I know that now even moreso as a parent. You would do anything to keep your children safe and when you can't, the only thing you could think of is to make it right. but making it right doesn't mean it's the right decision. As an adult telling my father, we were both in the right place to deliver and take the information with a logical state of mind.

So for Phantom and for me, today is a good day.

He is beautiful. Sound asleep at my side. I can't wait for him to wake up so we can go roam the floors!