Our girl is gone

It's the morning after... The quiet is so different from before. Everything about this house is different. I just have to think of her and my emotions take over. I was prepared but when it's all said and done there is still a void. Like my friend would say, Maika was a slice of my pie, and now she's gone. There's no heavy snoring next to me where she slept, no looks of adoration, no barks of protections, no Maika Lee. I don't like this quiet. I miss her. But I'll get used to it. Maika Lee, you'll always be my number one. I love you.

another sleepless night

My last post was about my dog and having to put her down. But I think God was on my side on that day that we took her to the Vet. He wanted to try something and I agreed to it. If she lasted the night, the outcome looked good for her and we wouldn't have to put her down. So we tried it... And she lasted through the night. She's still getting into things but at least she's still with us for a little while longer.

Phantom woke up at 2:30am. I haven't been able to go back to sleep. What do I do when I can't sleep? I write. There are so many things that go through my head and I've decided to do something that will change the way someone thinks. I guess that's what's keeping me up. I've struggled with this decision for ten months now and I think the time has come to let it out. It's not going to be easy but I'll feel better afterwards knowing I don't have to keep it secret. Then there's the letter. I've been too busy to think about it. But today, in my sleepless night, I'll respond.

I was hoping I wasn't going to be emotional. Mentally preparing myself for the conversation. I haven't been emotional when talking about it before but this time it will be different. I just have to remind myself that it will be okay. All will be okay.

It's time to say good-bye

One day back in 2000 I went to a co-workers home to see some pups. I was so excited because I was finally going to bring home a pup for myself. He handed me a tiny little puppy with a black nose and I decided to call her Maika. She was only five weeks old when I brought her home. 

She was the cutest thing I could lay my eyes on. Before Maika was mine, I was around the breed often. It was a time when they were shunned and people were afraid of them. My purpose with Maika Lee was to make sure she could impact people in a good way and the breed rap would change. So I started early, bringing her everywhere I went, introducing her to everyone I met, allowing her to play with my nephews. She was the most loving and loyal dog anyone could ever imagine. 

Her instincts were to protect her family. When she was around, I didn't have to worry about strangers coming into our home. If the children were in the other room and Maika was by my side, I knew if there was something wrong with them because she would let me know. If someone came knocking at my door, and I didn't feel safe answering, I'd let her do the talking. But on walks, she'd stay by my side, happily watching everything around her, and when she saw something of interest she'd make it known. She always liked chasing lizards and squirrels. She'd search and sniff out their hiding spots until she saw them move and then pounce. I let her enjoy her time searching and pouncing because that is who she is. She was never aggressive towards people. She enjoyed the company of people and she loved meeting people who wanted to meet her. 

When I was pregnant with Phyre, there was a short period of time when she had to stay outside. There were nights where I'd camp out with her because Maika was never an outside dog. I'd wisk her away and sleep over Jeremy and Maves' place where Maika Lee could sleep beside me, where she was used to sleeping. She was so protective of me during that time that she sometimes wouldn't let Jimmy get close to me. I thought it was funny, but Jimmy didn't. With Maika, even though she'd make her feelings known, she'd never attack anyone and she always listened. I remember when we finally brought Phyre home. It was Maika's first baby, never mind Phyre was my first baby. If Phyre would cry, Maika would come and get me. She'd run around in circles until I got her. If I was laying Phyre down and allowing her to cry before she fell asleep, Maika would whine and run back and forth from the bedroom door to me until she stopped or I got her. Maika hovered over Phyre, protecting her and soothing her. 

Maika only got better with age. She has a grey muzzle now, her body has thinned out, her head isn't so boxy, and she lost some weight over the last eleven years. She would be twelve on February 18th but she won't be making that day this time around. 

I owe a lot to my first girl and her ability to make every day better for me. I knew one day I had to confront her not being with me but no one wants to say good-bye to a friend. I've tried preparing myself years ago but knew that no matter how much you prepare, it's never easy. She will always be my girl. my best friend. my baby. And even though I can't stand the thought of you - Maika Lee - not laying down next to me or following me around everywhere I go, I know you'll be happy where all dogs go - to heaven. Have fun with Marley up there. I'll miss you more than you know and I will always love you.