I can recall memories when I was a child that were very happy. Camping in New Hampshire, all of the outdoor Filipino parties we would attend, meeting Lolo Reyes in the U.S. and he buying me my first cabbage patch kid, my sister and best friend - Jeny - who did everything with me. I remember being very happy as a child but those happy memories stopped and all I could remember after 9 was the turmoil our family went through. It was just my parents and my siblings (there are five in total) in the US. I had no aunts or uncles, cousins or grandparents in the states that we had so it was instilled in us that family, our family of seven, were all that we had and that we should love each other always. Part of that meaning I can thank my parents for - always reminding me of that and one of the few things that I am instilling in my children.
As I got older, I've experienced many events that were not simple, were not pleasant, and were quite confusing as a child. At 10, I welcomed my baby brother, the last of the five. I was ecstatic to have a baby to pretend to be mommy with and that's what I did any chance I had. My parents were going through their own hurdles and I knew that their relationship was ending. It took them a long time to finalize it and in that time, there were no more happy memories. My father worked three jobs, my mother was very unhappy. In her state, she became very distant. I can say that now because I'm an adult and recalling those memories in the sequence that they happened, I am more apt to put the puzzle together and form my own opinions. She must have felt unwanted, angry, and self-pity. I don't know because I'm not her but I can imagine how I would feel if I were her in that position. So she threw herself in things that busied her mind - majong, cards, bingo, friends. Needless to say, there were many memories of having no parents at home. There were five of us - I was the second oldest so technically, I could manage the children when they were away. I grew up quickly. It didn't feel any different than what my friends were doing, it felt normal and I wanted to help my mother. I think that's why there were always people in our house, they were very "cool" about having friends over that it was often was the place to hang out. Our house was the natural party house. Slowly I saw a pattern of events. There would be a gathering, someone would create or spread gossip, and my mother would stop talking to someone. Her events became smaller and soon, non existant. She had no more friends. I didn't really think about this until recently. But now in my situation, I find it very coincidental that over a period of time, her friendship with the people I grew up with, ceased. Did she drive them away? Was she too judgmental or concerned about their problems that she took it personal?
All the events in my life, the good, the bad, and the ugly, were all meant to happen. Some people that go through what I've gone through - sulk or have pity on themselves but I took them and learned. I learned to be stronger. I learned for my children so that I could share my experiences with them as they get older and hope that it helps them in their life. I rationalized everything and distanced myself from our family motto of loving one another no matter what because I believe that love is conditional. You want to give unconditional love to people but sometimes the rules change. When they do, it's time to change the conditions of love.
January 2011, an event changed my life forever. It gave me new perspective, it made me stronger, wiser, and created conditions. I've lifted a weight in my heart that has held me down since I was a child. A memory I hid from the world because of how I was brought up to love no matter what. But overtime, I realized that some people bring no value to your life, even if they are family, and when that happens you have to learn to let go. So I did. I accepted what it was and moved on but my mother had a different view. She wished me well and moved on with her life and I followed suit. I cannot regret a decision that was not my own. I have a bond between my sisters that is like no other. I still care for my little brother like the baby he was when she brought him home from the hospital. So there are many times when we are all at the same event and the relationship is still silenced. It does not bother me because it has been a welcomed change - I don't have to listen to moods, endure senseless complaints and domination, and hear how disrespectful everyone is to her when she doesn't see any of her wrongs, especially the anger she gives when you don't agree with her. My relationship with my sisters and brother have not changed. But I have listened tentatively, for the benefits of my siblings knowing and respecting that they have a relationship with her. I have watched her drive her friends away, drive me and my sister away and recall every event that she was involved in and twisted it around to make her look like the heroine.
I know my siblings. I know they love her and they probably don't see things the way I see them. But I've rationalized with the events, personalities, and made my own conclusion.
I have chosen to keep the people who bring value and kindnesses in my life and my families while disposing of those who do not, regardless of relations. I believe that family does not have to be blood but I have an immense joy being with my blood family where ever they are at. The safety of my children means more to me than mending a broken relationship with family. What people think of me does not hurt me so think what you would like because my life still goes on. Don't linger on the past because it keeps you from making the best of your future. What has happened to me, to my family, in the past was unfortunate. I believe it was for a reason and I don't see any reason to fix it. I have done no wrong in assuring that Jimmy and my children are kept safe and happy. I will have no regrets in the end due to these changes and decisions. I believe that this is what's supposed to be but I often think that one of two things will happen at the end for her - she'll realize she was wrong and wished she'd change or she'll believe she was right all along. Either way - she'll be miserable and I'd like to feel sorry for her but that is her decision and not mine to dwell on. I can only control myself but I wish the best for everyone.
Looking forward to the future, blessed to have today, and thankful for the past.
