Mother

Recent events are causing me to think about my life. 

I find myself recalling memories in the past and seeing it's impact in relationship to what occurred thereafter.

I remember being around many people growing up. We were always at a party or having a party. It was really nice because we (me and my siblings) would always be around other children. I think that's just part of the culture so I relished in all the fun we would have during these gathers. I was in my mid twenties when I would see the gatherings dwindle away to nothing and I didn't think much of it until now. more on this later.

Growing up, I was always sick and in the hospital. The one person I know was always there with me was my mother. I never thought about how my siblings were being taken care of because all I could remember is that my mother was with me. It's a great thing to remember loving memories like this and I don't take anything away from her because in this respect, my mother was always a great caretaker. She'd make you soup and tend to you to make sure you felt better. This I learned from her and thankful that she tended to me like an only child all those years I took her away from her other children.

Now as a mother of three, I can't help to compare myself to the mothers I know including my own. There are many things I have yet to learn and I look up to those who have the experience having raised children into wonderful adults. 

I don't like to hide things from people or lie. I especially dislike being lied to. So it is not unknown that my relationship with my mother has been practically non-existing in the last 3 years. I'm fortunate enough to have many other mothers who treat me like their own. One of which recently passed away.

I found myself reflecting on this yesterday which I think emotionally drained me. My baby (he's four), had a tantrum and usually I'm pretty good about it but yesterday it was a lot for me and I think it's because I was already spent by the time that happened because I felt helpless.

Back to the story. During my time of reflection, I thought of how we got to this point. No one ever says to themselves, when I grow up, I don't need my mother. Everyone needs a mother or mother-figure. So I remember all the instances I could in this short period of time. I thought of how my mother, being the major parental figure in my life, cared for us but didn't care for my father. So even though her sentences would start off with, I don't want you to hate your father (or the like), she would bad mouth him and tell us how bad he was. It was instinctive for us to gravitate towards her thus creating this void with my father who I now realize didn't deserve it and who tried so hard to keep his relationship with us (even though there were mishaps between). Who's perfect really?

Over the last 15 years, I've noticed a change. This may be because I am an adult and could think for myself now or it may be that my mother was getting older and changing. I can't tell you because this is my view. I noticed that her relationship with her friends dwindled down to nothing, causing our parties to go away altogether. I noticed her moods drastically change from happiness to anger in an instance for whatever reason was causing her anger. She hated that we developed a relationship with my father. She wouldn't say it outright, but she'd say things to make you feel guilty for spending time with him. I don't believe that she thought of herself as the primary parental figure anymore because of this new found relationship with my father so she had to demean our relationship anyway she could. She was quick to pass judgement and give opinions and felt her opinions were always right. And if you didn't agree, she'd bid you gone from her life or write a letter telling you how she felt we were wrong. 

There is only so much of that I could take. I want to be stable, because even though she is the way she is now, I'm learning from her every day. Learning I don't want to be like that. I don't want those words to every come from my mouth - because what kind of mother would I be if I told my children to have a nice life and I'll be fine without you. I will never be fine without my children. 

This is where I'm at. I chose this path because I can't be like my sisters who take those notes from her like a grain of salt. Her last note was all I needed to make this choice. My sisters are not wrong either and in a way, I admire them for being able to look past all of that and be the bigger person. This is my life, I choose this path because I want a stable healthy relationship with the people around me and I want that for my children. My father can give that to me and to my children. And not that I wanted to choose him over her, but I had to, for the sake of our emotional stability and because they need to have positive figures in their life. I have an amazing mother in law. She puts me (not her daughter) first along with our children. She provides for us in all aspects of life. And I see this in other mother's like Mama Williams and Mama Ranola who I cherish with all my heart. I will never forget the moments in my life where my mother was amazing - caring for me. I will never take those great memories away from her. But I am a mother now. My concern is for my own family. And if I could have my mother in all her glory, be a stable loving figure who is free from anger and hate, I would have her in my life. And if I can't, I am happy having the mothers I do have in my life and the memories of Mama Ranola. 

Family

This week has been an emotional experience. 

The loss of of a loved one is never easy, but I've gained perspective that I had not realized before.


My family, blood family, consisting of my parents and siblings, are the only family we have here. Growing up, I was told to cherish it and support one another always. And in a sense, there was a hierarchy of relationships that began with them. But I began to realize very quickly at a young age, that even though I was not born or raised in the Philippines, my family's friends were all family as well. I had Titas and Titos, and Kuyas and Ates that were also considered family. But none of which were blood family. I didn't have the luxuries of having my actual Titas and Titos, Lolas and Lolos, to grow up with, to call upon, or to have a relationship with - so when my first lolo passed away when I was 11-12, I was crying for my mother's loss but not the loss of my lolo because I had not had that relationship. And when other blood family members would pass, I would feel sorrow but not for me, for the my parents who were grieving. I had not suffered a loss of my own until my friend Perry Roden passed away. And then I found myself grieving for the first time. And again, when Papa Kwong passed away. The most emotional and heart-wrenching weeks of my life. When Maika Lee was put down, It felt like I lost a child. And this week, when my best friend's mother passed away, my grief surfaced again. So I can say I have been fortunate in a way- that the deaths that I have experienced were few but not blood... 

This week, as I looked at the many people that came to celebrate the life of Tita Cher, I realized that my family is not all blood related and that my parent's culture, which is deep rooted in me - but not very visible, actually had so much to do with how I view my life now. That even though people are not your blood, they can still be family. 

There are five families (parents, children, grandparents,etc) that I have grown up with and called my own. Never really recognizing the impact that they had on me until this week. The Bernabe,The Kwong, The Manansala, The Williams, and The Vincente/Ranola Families. These five families have accepted me and my family into their own. And maybe this was God's way of rectifying my family by giving me all of your families to love and support as you do for me. 

On the long ride home from a heavy day of reflection and grieving, Jimmy and I spoke of life and death. We saw in Tito Bong's eyes and in his words, that we too would feel this way if Jimmy or I had to leave this earth without each other. We questioned our actions and current situation with family members - and I realized - what I have now, is exactly what I should have. I have not made it a secret that making friends isn't a strong suit of mine because of this very culture I have instinctively created for myself. Friends, true friends, become family. The amount of love, emotions, and effort it takes to nurture the relationship between friends is enormous. And so I keep myself busy nurturing the relationships I have to support my family when they need me most. And I post this, as a tribute to my family - both blood and not blood - that I will love and support you until the day I die.