Religion?

Back on February 4th of this year, I was sent an email with a short story called "The Egg" (You can read my post on this date, as I have it on my blog). It was very meaningful to me because I related life to it and felt, in many ways, that's how I viewed my faith. I am not a follower of any religion. I was born and raised Catholic and somewhere down the road, I didn't believe everything their religion followed. I went to different kinds of churches to see if I believed in others but the truth was, I don't. I think all religions have something great but none of which are exact.

I don't like to discuss religion because I do not want people to question where my beliefs are by interrogating me against their belief. But "The Egg" keeps coming up in my head and I felt that now would be a good time to write how I feel without discussion.

Recently I've been attending MOPS - Mother's of Preschoolers. It's a social gathering of women at a church to discuss anything but mostly, I think, it's for mutual support of our toddlers. At least that was my idea of it when I went in. MOPS is a spiritual gathering. They pray before and after the meetings and often times discuss how God is in our lives. MOPS had me thinking more about God and thus, more about "The Egg". I believe in God. I know there is someone greater than all of us and He has created everything.

Back when I was taking classes at VCC, I took Mythology as one of my required writing courses. In that course we touch upon that all Myths have a God or Gods and they create a world. The Professor grazed the idea of the Bible being the largest most followed "myth" there is. Now I am not saying she's right but who really knows? I think all religious books have invaluable information for anyone to learn from. Do I think it's the Word of God or other Gods? Could be. But who really knows.

So I choose to follow my own belief. The belief that I am just a learner of our society and that God would want me to do good things for others, for my family and friends, and for myself. That I would teach others to do the same and learn from our mistakes. To be kind, humble, and forgiving (something I'm not so good at).

I have to Thank MOPS for reminding me of all of this. It reminded me to Pray a little more often. To be Thankful for everything I have and don't have. Everything happens for a reason and we are humbled by our experiences in life.

I hope that you have faith, at the very least, in yourself - to learn and mature with every experience and that kindness is the only way to live.

It's Complicated

I was reading over someone's bio and he mentioned that he was "as loyal as they come when it comes to the people he cares about". I find that especially true for me as well but I also know that I'm particularly hard on people when they don't hold their end of the bargain. This has been escalated in recent months where I vowed not to be around people who are negative influences on myself and my family.

My "mother" - Mrs. W. - knows that about me. She said that I have to allow people to be human and make mistakes. At least once, I should be kind enough to give them a second chance. Over a period of time I found myself to be more understanding of human nature but haven't been able to let go of the "mistakes".

It's complicated. I can't explain the immense feeling and connection I have with the people I hold closest to my heart. I wish I could make all of their dreams come true and all of their problems go away. This is what I've had to disconnect with because it's just not reality. I can't do any of those things - so I settle for being someone they can turn to. But what if that relationship gets more complicated by a third party. Someone I don't like. Someone who I know is the complete opposite of making their dreams come true or making their problems go away. They still choose to be involved so who am I to say otherwise. I don't say anything. I support them regardless of my feelings (even though they know how I feel). I'm not really great at hiding how I feel about people. In respect for the people I care about, I choose the events in which we interact, carefully keeping my distance from the people I dislike, because who knows what will come out of my mouth and what that will do to my relationship with the people I care about. Well, this exact situation is what complicates things more, moreso on their end then on my end. I'm keeping my distance away from the disliked person which in turn is preventing me from being with the person I want to spend time with.

So what do I do?

I consulted my other mother on this situation to see what kind of advice she'd give me. She's got the kindest heart in the world so I expected something really kind to come out of her mouth. At first she said, just tell them your not sure if you can make it. But being who I am, I already expressed my feelings in full detail so I couldn't really go that route. She further explained that if it were her, she would go because it is important to be there for the person you care about.

She's right. I don't like pretending. But maybe I have to so I can be that person I promised (to myself) I would be. Do I suppress eveverything I know, suppress what I believe for one night? Maybe.

Until then, Here are some pictures for your enjoyment.

Looking at the Light

I boast about my children any chance I get. I devour the opportunities to melt into Jimmy Kwong as our relationship grows every day. I lavish in the loyalty that no one can compare to in my beautiful Maika's eyes. And I find myself in moments where I don't feel adequate. Adequate in the aspect of where I am and where I want to be. But I'm looking at the light - hoping I can reach it soon.

Taking steps to get the best care for our son Phantom - hoping that one day he'll be relieved of his torment; Strengthening my relationship and understanding of my growing little girl; Learning from our amazing Big Boy who blows us away every day with his amazing mind.

I don't know what the future holds but I'm trying to gain confidence in my ability to be a productive citizen. I've applied to get my Masters in Human Resources, I'm looking forward to an upcoming interview, and I can only expect that it will go up from here.

In the meantime, enjoy some pictures of my life.

Productive

Two years ago, I was laid off my job. I had Phantom so it worked out okay because it allowed me to be home with him. I wouldn't trade this time for the world but also never stopped looking for employment. So I did what any one would do in this situation, I finished my degree.

I was already enrolled in Baker College while I was employed but taking only one class. The time allowed me to take more than one while at home with our kids. It went by fast and before I knew it, I was done - Bachelors in Business Administration - Human Resources Management. Those of you that know me, know that I was already a practicing HR professional, something I pride myself in doing just by being at the right place at the right time. Now I had experience and an education to put me in the job market. Or so I thought.

I know how difficult it is to be one of hundreds of resumes overwhelming recruiter's and manager's email boxes. I know I'm going up against qualified candidates like myself. I won't argue to anyone that their jobs as recruiting professional has been increasingly difficult with the current economy and the amount of people unemployed. But that does not make me feel any better about myself when I know my abilities and remain unemployed.

Some question my desire to go back to work because of how needy our son is. Some believe that we are lucky to have what we have and have the happiness in our home that most people dream of having. I've kept myself busy doing just about everything but most of what I've done, I've done for FREE. Our household needs to have more financial stability and I continue to be discouraged week after week with no interviews.

So I vent. I vent to you and to all who are in the same situation and the recruiters who continue to look over our resumes. Some people may not have the job title you are looking for but are still very capable of doing the job you're recruiting for, all we ask is that you give us a chance.

Please and Thank you

Codepency

In my life, I've gone through so much more than any normal person would go through. There are things that have happened to me and within my family and friends that, to some, are inconceivable.

I was recommended a book to read about codependents. Having a vague idea of what a codependent is and what insight it might give me, I dove into the book looking for answers. I haven't finished it yet but each chapter gives me understanding of the events in my life and the people around me.

Let me take another step backwards, I also recently started to go to MOPS meetings. A great way for me to get out of the house, allow some time for me without having to find someone to watch the boys. MOPS is Mothers Of PreSchoolers. This past MOPS meeting they had a speaker who spoke about what we, as individuals, want and how we get what we want. In words that we can understand, without stories and without cushions, he effectively described everything I did to get to me - Today's me. I thought I was trying not to be someone else, but what I really was doing, is teaching myself not to be a codependent and focusing on what I wanted instead of what everyone else wanted.

So here it is from the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie:
"A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior".

I am the eldest female of five children. I was concerned for everyone's well-being in my family including my parents and siblings. I felt that I had a duty as their daughter and their sister, to take care of them and assure their happiness. My first revelation to break out of this mold was to move away from them at my first chance, which was college. I felt horrible leaving my siblings alone but I also didn't want to have that responsibility anymore. Over a very long period of time I learned, and am still learning, that all I can control is myself. I cannot control how others feel, think, or act. Through the years, I've learned to change the way I thought about everything, and doing what I want to do and learning to let everything else go. I am still learning how to think before speaking, to not get emotionally attached to everyone else's needs, to do good for myself and my children. Jimmy and I are adults. The one thing I always say, is that we are individuals doing what we want for ourselves and having each other is icing on the cake. We don't sulk in the possibilities of finding someone else to take each others place, because in the end, we can't control what someone else may or may not do. We live in the now.

To end this, I am enjoying what life has for me, learning each day to be the best me, and I'm glad I can share this with you.


I am free.

Epiphany

I had to think about when it all started, how I decided to be different.
Last night, I remembered what set myself apart from others.

In my first year of college I met some really great people. Maves is still one of my best friends today. There was another gal who I befriended before Maves. She was such a great person and during our first week, when freshman were being welcomed to school, she wanted to go home. She was from Connecticut and already home sick. We had a great time during that first week of school and I convinced her to stay. Our friendship grew. She was just down the hall from me in the dorm,which  was really great. Then Jeny came to stay with me in the dorm on weekends or during her breaks. If I had class, Ana would be nice enough to hang out with my sister while I was in class. But when I came back to see that they were having so much fun, I became very jealous. I don't know why, but in my jealousy I made the rest of Ana's year at school miserable. I stopped hanging out with her and I probably did some out right mean things.

Anyway, over the years I thought about it every now and again and tried to reason with myself as to why I would do such a mean thing. Then around age 25, I got a second job at a popular retail store and I saw these barrettes that were cursive letter A's. There was a matching purse to go with it and I decided to buy them and send them to her along with a letter apologizing for my ridiculous acts and hoping she would forgive me.

She did. I spoke with her shortly after she got the gifts and she said she wore them out to dinner with her boyfriend and it just so happened that he proposed to her that night. It was a good feeling to know that after all these years, she was still kind enough to forgive me.

When I think back to that time, I remembered that was when I had my epiphany. I decided not to be this crazed jealous person anymore always worried about everyone else and someone who was reactive and mean. If you knew me before I decided to be who I am now, you would notice a difference. But who I am now is who I've made myself be. I'm happy with who I am. I wish others would have epiphanies to allow them to see their own wrongs instead always trying to find wrongs in others. It's a much healthier way of living when you can see what affects your own actions have on others instead of what others are doing.

Peace be with you

Heart shaped cookies

Today is Valentine's day. I'm preparing heart shapped valentine cookies for Phyre's Kindergarden class thanks to Matt who saved the day by bringing me an egg to make the cookies!

But today I wanted to reflect upon the more recent days. Saturday, I had my first Purple Aura Jewelry party. I had some very dear friends who joined in on the introduction of PAJ to Orlando and a few family members. I got some great feedback and felt more at ease with what I am doing for PAJ and myself. I have the support of Jimmy Kwong who helps inspire me and develop ways to make this better.

Sunday, Jimmy and I went to see the joining of Michelle and Dan Predko. It was one of the best most touching ceremonies and receptions I've ever been to. They've been through so much and knowing their devotion to each other, makes the world a better place. It was a reminder to all of us who attended that the person you love, may not be there tomorrow. That you have to do all you can for that person today. I wish you two many more happy memories in your future and feel honored that I was able to witness all of your happy moments on your special day.

Today, Valentine's Day, I am overwhelmed with the love of my family. Jimmy who makes every day better just by being you. My beautiful boys who wake up briefly to see where I am, sleep in their eyes, and nudge closer to me and fall right back to sleep. And my beautiful adoring Phyre who tells me she wants to be just like me. Who deserves such love? Everyone does. I'm very fortunate to have my family whom I love with all my heart!