reflection

I often think about previous events in my life to see where I can improve myself, things I do and say, and how I want to impact the people I see everyday, especially my family and friends. 

There is so much going on in my head that I want to write it all down but one of the things I have to learn to do is to focus on one task and see it to completion.

This is my attempt. 

I reflect on a special friendship I've had for a very long time. We had a great time being teenagers. So much of who that person was is gone now. For the both of us. We accomplished so much over the years, developed our abilities and progressed in areas while other areas weakened. I know much of how I communicate with people actually became less forward to people, more considerate, and I became more grateful for the present. 

My observation of my dear friend, she was wild, carefree, spontaneous and fun. She was the opposite of me and I loved it. Without her, I probably would still be living in a shell. She brought me out to see the world in a new light. As we grew older and wiser, I watched her lose her wild, carefree, fun self and change into a loving, caring yet complacent person - almost afraid. Afraid to remember the person she was, afraid to change her comfort level, afraid she might not be good enough. 

I know what she's capable of. I know she can tackle the world on her shoulders if she just tried. And if she let go of the shackles, she'd see it too. 

I would give the last drops of water to watch you survive. 

Just give me the word and I will be there for you.

Work to Live

In Europe, work to live is the lifestyle. They harness the family.
In the US, it's quite the opposite. People strive to do better for themselves in the hopes of doing better for family. So work becomes first priority.

I have three children now. I want more than anything to do better for my family but not at their expense. My children need me as much as I need them. There needs to be a better way so they are not impacted by my life.

Before this, I was very good at keeping work and personal life separate. No one knew at work about my personal life outside of me mentioning my children. They didn't know about my rockstar husband, my tattoos, or that outside of work, I'm pretty straightforward with what I say and less likely to befriend you. At work, I was helpful, a social nazi, upbeat, and a cheerleader. Separation of the two is what I really liked. But for whatever reason, I did not stay with this theme, and for this reason it has complicated matters.

It is up to me to learn what needs to be done. So I push forward to find the answers. --> NEED

Memories

Every moment, is an opportunity to create a memory. As time goes on, our memory starts to fade and only the important or profound experiences are put to memory.

I have tried to remind myself to blog about my day, and each day that passes by, I've forgotten to do so until today.

There has been tugs at my heart lately making me think of what I'm doing, who I'm impacting, and if I am making a difference in someone's life. Thoughts that made me think of what I want to do with my life. So I was reminded of my goals and it put me on a track but in doing so, I've tried to commit to memory the things I've taken for granted before.

The other day, I played a song in the car that I made my children listen to. It's one of my favorites. The last time Phyre and Phoenix heard it, they were 3 and 1 respectively. It would be remarkable if either one could remember this song but as it was playing, Phoenix said, mommy this song sounds like it was in a movie. He continued to say, It sounds like a bird, but it also sounds like someone died and went into the water. Mommy this song sounds like it could be for YaYa (Jimmy's father who passed away when he was one). 

Phoenix was right, I put Yanni's nightingale on a photo montage that I made for the funeral. Could it be that he remembered? Phoenix and Yaya were inseparable and Yaya took care of him while I worked that entire first year since his birth. 

It also reminded me of the things that are important in our life. Our family. And each day, I feel like we have to be reminded that our family should always come first until our children have their own families to tend to.

This memory was a special one. And I hope that I'm able to commit more moments like this to memory. Each day is a blessing when I can wake up with my family.

Fortunate

I have been fortunate to have a life that brings me continuous happiness. I have expounded on my life and the emotional journey that I took to get me to this place. I have learned so much from so many and I thank everyone who I have met that provided me with the knowledge and experience (big or small) that "molded" me to who I am. 

Phyre asked me to turn down the music in the car today because she was busy dreaming. I thought it was wonderful for her to be able to dream up such beautiful dreams that even music was disrupting her dreams. I want her to be able to dream as much and as big as her heart desires but I know that some people find that dreaming is a waste of time. I don't agree because without my childhood dreams, I wouldn't have Jimmy or my beautiful children, and I wouldn't have had Maika Lee. But my "fortune" allowed me to live my dreams.

Today, I am thinking of so many things. I think of the day that I will be able to accept another dog in our home. Excited for the opportunity to have a loving and loyal companion and anxious to see if my heart will allow me to move on.

 I think of the experiences I have had recently that allowed me the opportunity to see things as they are and to let go of what I had hoped. In so many instances, I find myself wanting to trust too soon, to give my friendship 100%, a consideration that is only limited to me. There is no down to this, but it reels me back to the reality that friendship, the kind that is unconditional, is very rare and only a handful of people in my life have mine but sometimes I'm all too willing to give it to people undeserving of it. It brings back to reality that I believe in the good of people but some people can only go so far for anyone but themselves.

Then, I find a humbling moment for myself. A sort of self affirmation. I may have given people the honest truth without filters, giving them the impression that I am not a pleasant person. But the truth of the matter is, I like to see the good in people until I can see that a person is not good. I am not talking about lifestyles, choices you make that is who you are, but I'm talking about the way people treat other people or animals, and how one reacts to the needs of others. I have wonderful friends and family who do things that I do not agree with 100% but their life is not mine to live so there is no reason for me to judge what they do. My opinion and feelings are my own that works for my life and my family. It's a little reminder to myself that I am not a bad person or the bitch that some people want me to be. Trust that I am not but know that at any moment I can be if you so desire.

Lastly, I have dreamt up my own dreams. I can only believe that one day they will come true. I've made decisions in my life that will hopefully lead me to this dream and I look forward to that moment and sharing it with the people I love.

Family

I can recall memories when I was a child that were very happy. Camping in New Hampshire, all of the outdoor Filipino parties we would attend, meeting Lolo Reyes in the U.S. and he buying me my first cabbage patch kid, my sister and best friend - Jeny - who did everything with me. I remember being very happy as a child but those happy memories stopped and all I could remember after 9 was the turmoil our family went through. It was just my parents and my siblings (there are five in total) in the US. I had no aunts or uncles, cousins or grandparents in the states that we had so it was instilled in us that family, our family of seven, were all that we had and that we should love each other always. Part of that meaning I can thank my parents for - always reminding me of that and one of the few things that I am instilling in my children.

As I got older, I've experienced many events that were not simple, were not pleasant, and were quite confusing as a child. At 10, I welcomed my baby brother, the last of the five. I was ecstatic to have a baby to pretend to be mommy with and that's what I did any chance I had. My parents were going through their own hurdles and I knew that their relationship was ending. It took them a long time to finalize it and in that time, there were no more happy memories. My father worked three jobs, my mother was very unhappy. In her state, she became very distant. I can say that now because I'm an adult and recalling those memories in the sequence that they happened, I am more apt to put the puzzle together and form my own opinions. She must have felt unwanted, angry, and self-pity. I don't know because I'm not her but I can imagine how I would feel if I were her in that position. So she threw herself in things that busied her mind - majong, cards, bingo, friends. Needless to say, there were many memories of having no parents at home. There were five of us - I was the second oldest so technically, I could manage the children when they were away. I grew up quickly. It didn't feel any different than what my friends were doing, it felt normal and I wanted to help my mother. I think that's why there were always people in our house, they were very "cool" about having friends over that it was often was the place to hang out. Our house was the natural party house. Slowly I saw a pattern of events. There would be a gathering, someone would create or spread gossip, and my mother would stop talking to someone. Her events became smaller and soon, non existant. She had no more friends. I didn't really think about this until recently. But now in my situation, I find it very coincidental that over a period of time, her friendship with the people I grew up with, ceased. Did she drive them away? Was she too judgmental or concerned about their problems that she took it personal?

All the events in my life, the good, the bad, and the ugly, were all meant to happen. Some people that go through what I've gone through - sulk or have pity on themselves but I took them and learned. I learned to be stronger. I learned for my children so that I could share my experiences with them as they get older and hope that it helps them in their life. I rationalized everything and distanced myself from our family motto of loving one another no matter what because I believe that love is conditional. You want to give unconditional love to people but sometimes the rules change. When they do, it's time to change the conditions of love.

January 2011, an event changed my life forever. It gave me new perspective, it made me stronger, wiser, and created conditions. I've lifted a weight in my heart that has held me down since I was a child. A memory I hid from the world because of how I was brought up to love no matter what. But overtime, I realized that some people bring no value to your life, even if they are family, and when that happens you have to learn to let go. So I did. I accepted what it was and moved on but my mother had a different view. She wished me well and moved on with her life and I followed suit. I cannot regret a decision that was not my own. I have a bond between my sisters that is like no other. I still care for my little brother like the baby he was when she brought him home from the hospital. So there are many times when we are all at the same event and the relationship is still silenced. It does not bother me because it has been a welcomed change - I don't have to listen to moods, endure senseless complaints and domination, and hear how disrespectful everyone is to her when she doesn't see any of her wrongs, especially the anger she gives when you don't agree with her. My relationship with my sisters and brother have not changed. But I have listened tentatively, for the benefits of my siblings knowing and respecting that they have a relationship with her. I have watched her drive her friends away, drive me and my sister away and recall every event that she was involved in and twisted it around to make her look like the heroine.

I know my siblings. I know they love her and they probably don't see things the way I see them. But I've rationalized with the events, personalities, and made my own conclusion.

I have chosen to keep the people who bring value and kindnesses in my life and my families while disposing of those who do not, regardless of relations. I believe that family does not have to be blood but I have an immense joy being with my blood family where ever they are at. The safety of my children means more to me than mending a broken relationship with family. What people think of me does not hurt me so think what you would like because my life still goes on. Don't linger on the past because it keeps you from making the best of your future. What has happened to me, to my family, in the past was unfortunate. I believe it was for a reason and I don't see any reason to fix it. I have done no wrong in assuring that Jimmy and my children are kept safe and happy. I will have no regrets in the end due to these changes and decisions. I believe that this is what's supposed to be but I often think that one of two things will happen at the end for her - she'll realize she was wrong and wished she'd change or she'll believe she was right all along. Either way - she'll be miserable and I'd like to feel sorry for her but that is her decision and not mine to dwell on. I can only control myself but I wish the best for everyone.

Looking forward to the future, blessed to have today, and thankful for the past.

Today is a good day.

I woke up at 4:30am to prepare for the day. I prepared myself mentally for everything including my baby boy.
By 5am I was packed and driving and surprisingly Phantom was awake for a minute to acknowledge that we were on our way to the hospital.
This journey has been a long one and it's not just my son's journey.

Back when Phantom was a baby he showed very early signs of allergies and eczema. Doctors wanted to dose him with medications that I knew were very harsh. So I opted not to go with what they recommended at the time and chose a natural route. His natural medicines came from California, prescribed by a physician who has a proven record with assisting children like Phantom and he was Chinese. For a little over a year, Phantom was vegan and very accepting to taking medication he didn't really like. But this type of medication isn't covered by insurance so Jimmy and I tried to do this for as long as we could until we couldn't anymore.  At that time we switched to western medicine. All the physicians he saw recommended something. He couldn't undergo sleep studies because his allergy/eczema were too extreme to keep the sensors on him long enough to record results. They wanted me to do this surgery last year and I refused. But after three years of constantly being sick, I've agreed to it. This was not an easy decision but now that it is said and done, I know it is the right one. I know it's common, but when your child has to go through something and they aren't able to understand why - why do I hurt? why do i have to do this? why is it hard to swallow? why can't I go home? , You pause to ask yourself is it really necessary and is there another way.

He was fantastic. Went through it without too much of a fuss. He woke up and looked at me and gave me this face without saying a word. By the time we got to his room, he was talking and reciting his favorite lines from his favorite movie - Real Steal. I knew he was doing well. 

But the best part is, he was able to get a little something in his belly and dosed off to sleep. And for the first time, he's NOT snoring or completely congested where you can hear the mucus as he breaths. He is clear as a bell. 

 To make things even better, everyone here at Arnold Palmer Hospital is absolutely fantastic.

One thing I'm always concerned about is Phantom's dietary needs. His allergen list might be short but those items are in everything we eat. It's in his file here at the hospital so anyone that brings food to his room should know his limitations but I had a visit from the dietician who provided me with menus and options that will meet his needs. Phantom's medicine is also being given by the hospital because I didn't bring it with me. People have brought him toys to play with and my father came to give my boy a balloon.

So remember when I said I was preparing for today and the journey lead me to this moment.

All of what I've kept from my family, I was able to finally tell him everything. He understands why and is in agreement with me. My fear when I was a child that he would do something drastic to right a wrong for his daughter was on point. I think I know that now even moreso as a parent. You would do anything to keep your children safe and when you can't, the only thing you could think of is to make it right. but making it right doesn't mean it's the right decision. As an adult telling my father, we were both in the right place to deliver and take the information with a logical state of mind.

So for Phantom and for me, today is a good day.

He is beautiful. Sound asleep at my side. I can't wait for him to wake up so we can go roam the floors!

Why?

I have followed the happenings of Trayvon Martin from beginning.
I've heard many differences of opinion.

It is clear that many things have gone wrong and it starts from the beginning.

This is my opinion on this story. The beginning start with George Zimmerman, being a self appointed neighborhood security, who took his duty very seriously. My theory is based on opinions I've heard from people (not law enforcement) who own guns. There is a sense of power with owning a gun. It's also a well known notion that firing in self defense usually gets you out of hot waters. That is exactly what George was thinking when taking on the neighborhood watch duties - waiting for the opportunity to "legally" use his gun in self defense. Trayvon just happened to fit the perfect scenario for what he has been waiting to do.

Yes there were previous robberies in the neighborhood, supposedly done by young black males. Yes he was stereotyped because of the color of his skin. But George was asked not to pursue him. Instead he pursued waiting for the opportunity to arise and it finally did ending in Trayvon's death.

It is not okay and this situation needs to address more than just the unjust murder of a teenage black boy. It needs to address the gun laws that allow any person to take a silly course in order to own a gun legally. There needs to be more than just a course.

Justice for Trayvon is justice for all people of color.