It's over

I had a big secret. I kept it only because I was afraid to say it. Anytime I thought about it I'd cry so the less I said the better I was. Trucking along holding it in, knowing what might be but praying that it won't.

The wait is over. I can breath. It has been extremely emotional for me. I think everyday of the what if's of losing my husband or one of my children and even the thoughts of them losing me. But no one can prepare you for that loss and I had to think of the what if's of losing one of mine.

In January, Phantom continued being ill that his doctor recommended that he get tested for Cystic Fibrosis.  Lord when she said that my heart dropped. I didn't want to believe that it was a possibility but I knew that it was necessity. It is better to know than to not know. So I told only the people that I knew would hold my secret and could comfort me in my time of need. I waited until I had to take Phantom to Arnold Palmer to get his test done. As he sat in my lap while they strapped on the test to each arm, he cried a little bit but was so brave and patient with the nurses. We waited. The test collects sweat and depending on that result, tells us if he has or does not have Cystic Fibrosis. The first test did not collect enough sweat. I started to think the worse because the doctor told me that the lack of sweat can be a result of this disease. So they reran the test. I was told that the results would be faxed to the doctor on the same day. To try and push through the emotions, I took my little man to Islands of Adventure. He took one picture with Spider Man and walked to Dr. Seuss and he wanted to go home. He just wasn't up to have fun. 
We walked slowly back to the car. Phantom is such a great boy. He's far from lazy. Loves to walk so he walked from IOA to the car without a stroller. If you've ever been, that's not a short walk. But we were hand in hand, walking and talking. OOOOing and AAAAHing at everything. Capturing every moment we can because I still didn't know what the results were. I hounded the doctor that same day and the next day to get the results...

AND he was cleared. NO Cystic Fibrosis. I can handle taking care of his allergies, skin, ear infections, URI, and everything else that comes along the way, but I won't and I can't handle the thought that I might lose my babies.

I can breath because it's over.

Over exaggerated

If you know me, your opinion might be different from someone else's.

I feel more emotion than the average person. I am an over exaggeration of emotions and I'm not talking a crying mess, I'm talking happiness, anger, fright, you name it, multiple by 10 and thats how I react and feel. On the extreme side of things, I jump easily when things happy all of a sudden even if I'm watching a cartoon. When I don't care, I really don't care. If I'm angry I cry. If I'm sad I cry a lot more.

This is the reason I choose my friends. I put all my emotion into cultivating my friendships that there isn't enough energy to put into friendships with people that do not have a significant purpose in my life. That doesn't mean I dislike like anyone because there are few people that I truly dislike. But there is a switch on those that I do not call friends. It is easy for me to flip on and off.

For my friends, and I will be honest, I don't have many. My heart and soul will go into that friendship.

There has been a lot of emotion for me these last few weeks. All of them extreme. I don't know how to put my emotions in check and I really don't think I need to. I like being able to express myself even if it might be cold and heartless or a weeping mess. I do know that just because I am a cryer, that doesn't mean I am not strong. My strength is much more than one could imagine and...

I will survive.

No news is good news

It has been a long time since I last posted a blog. So much has happened. It's been a journey through life that I've been nothing but thankful for. Since my last post, I traveled to NC for training. Met some really awesome people, one of which is in this super goofy picture. Jason was my pool pal while we were trapped at hotel Aloft. At least it was a nice hotel and it had a pool table. Made the time there not so bad. I know we were both missing our families back home and we talked about them constantly. It's good to meet people who have a love for their family similar to your own because Lord knows where my heart is.

I've had moments of serious sadness missing my girl. Think about her every day and wishing that dogs could live forever. She'll always be with me.

In my moment of sadness, I had the incessant desire to find a puppy for the kids. There was a hint of need for me because my pain was so deep losing my Maika. I knew what kind of dog I wanted and I knew I didn't want anything like Maika. Not yet. She's my girl and I didn't want to replace her. I wanted to find a dog the kids would really enjoy and I did. Meet Penny Lane. 

We had Christmas fun. It's really fantastic having children and watching their excitement during the holidays. My children are like many children in the US. They have multiple Christmas'. One at home, and one at each grandparent's home. We have a large family so each child gets a million gifts on top of what Santa gives them. We're very blessed to have the family that we do and how close we are to each other. I'm thankful every day for my family.

I bet you couldn't imagine the enormity of the love that I have for my husband and children. This face makes me laugh, cry, smile, and everything you could feel in your heart, and from your head down to the tips of your toes. He's my baby and he's so very special. Much of my time is caring for this little guy but I don't mind it one bit. He is my Phantom.

 My beautiful girl. She's really the perfect girl that I could ever ask for. She's talented beyond belief and I love her dearly. My Phyre.

 Take a look at my big boy. Phoenix is my little genius. He has amazed me more than you could imagine.  He has learned things faster than most children at just about everything he does. He learned to walk fairly young at 10 months old. He learned to transform complex transformers at the age of 2. He has learned dinosaurs, robots, sharks, you name it, my boy can tell you about it. He is amazing and my little love muffin.

Take a break. Check this out. That's me!

 Took the kids to have breakfast with ELMO at Sea World and saw Lazy Town live! Phantom had a blast but Phyre was too old for the show. My children are growing up too fast.

My big boy turned 5. I remember when I couldn't imagine Phyre turning 5 let alone Phoenix. They grow up so fast and before you know it, I'll be "driving them to the mall to hang out with their friends" sneaking behind them to make sure their safe. Here are all my children on his birthday with their cousins CC and Cito. Makes me laugh every time I see this picture. Thanks Tita Sarah!

My big boy on his big day!
















Lastly, back in December my professional work husband and I decided to make our office more homely. I committed to painting a picture for the office. When we were done sprucing it up, I started to gather the supplies needed for my painting but quickly realized that what I envisioned was more complicated than I originally planned. During a very busy time in the office, my class, my children, husband, and the challenges in between, I became obsessed with finishing this painting. Jokes were made at work about how I had time to do this but no one knows what I am capable of doing.  If the people at work knew what I do, no one would question that I don't make good use of my time and in my spare time at home, I finished this amazing picture.

To conclude, I find myself closer and closer to my vision. It is only a matter of time before I accomplish what I need to and create a new vision. To the love of my life, Jimmy Kwong: You are my everything and everyday I am thankful that you chose me to share this amazing life. I am so proud of all of your hard work that put forth into your dream only to see it finally come to fruition. I love you.

The house is a home

You know that excitement you get when Halloween comes? The excitement that the holidays are upon us.  I missed the excitement because my mind was on Maika Lee and other things. I found the excitement, officially, yesterday. My entire family joined the festivities outdoors to partake in putting up the lights on our house. It's the first time we put lights up on our own house. We stayed outside and drew on the sidewalk. The kids were covered in chalk but they were so happy drawing and playing.

 The Christmas tree is up and last night we hung the stocking over the office door and put up cool lights in the kids room that flash different colors. Then I spent all night buying gifts for all the special people in my life - online of course.

I don't have Maika Lee this year. I looked at the stocking I made her last year where I spelled her name incorrectly. Made me laugh for a moment then I was sad. I almost tucked her stocking behind mine just so I'd have her with me this Christmas. This Christmas will be a little different. She's not going to be sitting in our family pictures during Christmas but I have another person to fill the spot - Brine. It was kind of cute the other day while having Thanksgiving Dinner, Phyre was explaining to another child that Brine was her adoptive brother. LOL. I love that my girl is so welcoming. I guess I prepared her for an adoption early on for her to think of Brine as her brother. It's lovely really.

So as I sit here writing to you, I tell you that our house is a home. It may be small and we may not have fancy things but we have a whole lot of love and happiness. Where ever you are, make your "house" a home. Bring happiness and love into your home and bask in it like a happy dog rolling in the grass on a sunny afternoon.

Emotions run high

After we put Maika Lee down, I've been an emotional basket case, about to cry on a whim about anything. I'm reading the article about the parents who named their children after Nazis and wanted to decorate their child's birthday cake with Hitler. ARE YOU SERIOUS! So I got emotional now knowing first hand beautiful people who were held against their will at Auschwitz. I'm sitting here thinking how their grandson loved them so much that he wants to get their numbers tattooed on himself. A way to memorialize his beloved grandfather who has recently passed away. His grandmother, also an occupant of the camp is the sweetest person I've ever met. The glow in her face when she saw her grandson perform. These are the people that those terrible mongrels and their even more horrible leader decided to play God. And there are Americans who idolize Hitler and his grotesque team of idiots. If you do, you too deserve the same fate of all those who lost their lives not too long ago.

So there I go again, a basket case.

For you and your family Matt. I'm a better person to have known your grandfather for the short period of time I got to speak with him and knowing your grandmother.

To be or not to be

Things are definitely different in the Kwong house. Everything happened all at once. I can't think of Maika for too long because I'm still very emotional. My little and big loves of my life have been ill. Watching them hurt makes me hurt. I have one thing off my plate, and that is my class. I get to relax for a little bit and enjoy the holidays even if it is without my #1. I'm preparing a photo album for her. I can't express how much she meant to me and many won't understand it - Maika Lee being a dog and all. She was my partner and friend for eleven years.

Our girl is gone

It's the morning after... The quiet is so different from before. Everything about this house is different. I just have to think of her and my emotions take over. I was prepared but when it's all said and done there is still a void. Like my friend would say, Maika was a slice of my pie, and now she's gone. There's no heavy snoring next to me where she slept, no looks of adoration, no barks of protections, no Maika Lee. I don't like this quiet. I miss her. But I'll get used to it. Maika Lee, you'll always be my number one. I love you.