Being burned

I was asked today how to get over being burned. I was burned when the man I was engaged with revealed a dirty secret. I thought we could overcome it but it never happened. After we broke it off I was literally sickened when approached by men. It took four months to get over that and in that time I reevaluated what I valued in a healthy relationship. So I strove to change the way I approached the next relationship and how I viewed it and my value in it. When I met someone who didn't make me throw up, I thought it was time to put the plan to action and the distance between us allowed me to adjust without showing my anguish in the transition. My previously crazy outburst to express my disagreements were now done quietly and privately without the crazy. I was changing myself to relinquish the fear of being hurt and to trust in my ability to overcome anything. I taught myself to live in the moment of happiness without worrying about the 'what ifs' of being heart broken. I allowed myself to trust others by allowing what I normally wouldn't be comfortable with. When I did, I was surprised to have not been let down that eventually grew my trust in him enough to call him my husband. It was refreshing and I loved the new me because I knew that trusting him was the best thing I could do for us and it made me more confident in myself. I don't dwell on what if because I know no matter what, I'll be okay. I wish all of you happiness and want you to know living in the moment is swell.

Moments

I'm a mother of three. I have a loyal pup and a wonderful husband. I don't work, yet. But my job at home is nonstop and sometimes grueling. I wake up to the needs of my children, I maintain throughout the day, I stay up with my children until one by one they doze off. On a good day I'll get six straight hours of undisturbed sleep. But those days are few and far between. Without sleep your body doesn't recover, rest and your patience wears thin very quickly. There are moments in my frustration that I can't help but show how little patience I have left that comes off as being rude. The truth is, I haven't stopped to rest or break from the everyday task of caring for my children, the house, and the family. I don't expect anyone to understand that unless you've walked the walk. I don't even ask for help or support. I know my duty to my children. But I feel like the man on the ground being kicked when I'm not given the respect that any human deserves that has broken down my spirit because one can't look past themselves. I've adjusted myself and I can see the adjustment in others. Too bad it's not in favor for the team.

The Hurt

If you think about a moment that hurt you the most, you may recall a break up or something in your childhood.

I've been fortunate to turn all of my moments of hurt into lessons. I don't think of it as hurt but as an opportunity to change. Some people can't do that and even worse, those that hurt don't see their actions as being wrong.

There is nothing in my past that I would change because everything that happened made me who I am today and my ability to adjust is speedy thanks to my past.

But I see things now and have seen things in the past that make me sad. Sad to know that others go through needless hurt and sad to know that the "hurter" is oblivious.

I once decided without question, that I would take on a responsibility. We had other responsibilities but it felt right to do so. We were both financially okay and could afford to do so. Most importantly it provided a stable environment where there was none before. When the circumstances changed, I had to give up that responsibility and others because there was no other way. The Hurt was knowing that no one wanted to take on the responsibility including the one who created it. Moreso, The Hurt wanted to make me feel bad for my decision. But I didn't. I only felt bad that The Hurt only saw one way and that no one would accept their responsibility. Years later, The Hurt only got worse and the responsibility weakened. Abuse comes in all forms. You don't have to be physical with someone to be abusive. You're words and your actions can be considered abuse and The Hurt fits into this category.

I used to hope that The Hurt would change, see the good instead of the bad or even see that sometimes there are wrongs. I'd say it's okay to be wrong sometimes so long as you can learn from the wrong but that would not be the case. Since then, I've lost hope in change and instead decided that all I could do, is control myself and not worry about trying to change others. But I still believe in good and helping others especially those that can't help themselves.

At some point, we all recognize our greatest triumphs, tragedies, wrongs and right. I hope the day comes sooner then later before all is lost.

Art-tastic!

So my previous blog mentioned my art and I finally have the chance to show some of it off. I'm pretty excited! I'll be displaying and hopefully selling a few pieces as well as taking pictures of the event at the American Bastards Bazaar! If you're in the Central Florida Area, come check me out!

Artist?

Throughout my life there was a relentless need to write, draw, and to take pictures. I wrote in journals and school reports came pretty easy for me. If I had camera, didn't matter if it was a disposable or old 35 mm, I saw things through the lens that was very artful. I remember the first time I drew something. I was 10, stuck in a hospital bed, and the nurses gave me paper and color pencils to draw with. So I sat up and drew a dragon. I don't know where it came from or how I did it, but I did it and it amazed me that something was produced by my hands. So I decided to keep drawing using whatever I had and learning to use different materials. My high school art teacher probably hated me but I learned a lot about art mediums and the different kind of art produced from each medium.

Over the years, my arts improved. I take better pictures, have a more creative way of looking at the scene. I write more creatively but the one thing I can say that I am still consistent in is drawing/painting. How does one excel in this area? By doing more of it.

SO I am. I'm making new paintings, creating new arts, writing more, and taking pictures any chance I get. Excelling in all areas I can, keeping busy with what I've always loved to do.

Hopefully, one day someone will like my art enough to call me an artist.

For now here are some pictures and some music suggestions!

Religion?

Back on February 4th of this year, I was sent an email with a short story called "The Egg" (You can read my post on this date, as I have it on my blog). It was very meaningful to me because I related life to it and felt, in many ways, that's how I viewed my faith. I am not a follower of any religion. I was born and raised Catholic and somewhere down the road, I didn't believe everything their religion followed. I went to different kinds of churches to see if I believed in others but the truth was, I don't. I think all religions have something great but none of which are exact.

I don't like to discuss religion because I do not want people to question where my beliefs are by interrogating me against their belief. But "The Egg" keeps coming up in my head and I felt that now would be a good time to write how I feel without discussion.

Recently I've been attending MOPS - Mother's of Preschoolers. It's a social gathering of women at a church to discuss anything but mostly, I think, it's for mutual support of our toddlers. At least that was my idea of it when I went in. MOPS is a spiritual gathering. They pray before and after the meetings and often times discuss how God is in our lives. MOPS had me thinking more about God and thus, more about "The Egg". I believe in God. I know there is someone greater than all of us and He has created everything.

Back when I was taking classes at VCC, I took Mythology as one of my required writing courses. In that course we touch upon that all Myths have a God or Gods and they create a world. The Professor grazed the idea of the Bible being the largest most followed "myth" there is. Now I am not saying she's right but who really knows? I think all religious books have invaluable information for anyone to learn from. Do I think it's the Word of God or other Gods? Could be. But who really knows.

So I choose to follow my own belief. The belief that I am just a learner of our society and that God would want me to do good things for others, for my family and friends, and for myself. That I would teach others to do the same and learn from our mistakes. To be kind, humble, and forgiving (something I'm not so good at).

I have to Thank MOPS for reminding me of all of this. It reminded me to Pray a little more often. To be Thankful for everything I have and don't have. Everything happens for a reason and we are humbled by our experiences in life.

I hope that you have faith, at the very least, in yourself - to learn and mature with every experience and that kindness is the only way to live.

It's Complicated

I was reading over someone's bio and he mentioned that he was "as loyal as they come when it comes to the people he cares about". I find that especially true for me as well but I also know that I'm particularly hard on people when they don't hold their end of the bargain. This has been escalated in recent months where I vowed not to be around people who are negative influences on myself and my family.

My "mother" - Mrs. W. - knows that about me. She said that I have to allow people to be human and make mistakes. At least once, I should be kind enough to give them a second chance. Over a period of time I found myself to be more understanding of human nature but haven't been able to let go of the "mistakes".

It's complicated. I can't explain the immense feeling and connection I have with the people I hold closest to my heart. I wish I could make all of their dreams come true and all of their problems go away. This is what I've had to disconnect with because it's just not reality. I can't do any of those things - so I settle for being someone they can turn to. But what if that relationship gets more complicated by a third party. Someone I don't like. Someone who I know is the complete opposite of making their dreams come true or making their problems go away. They still choose to be involved so who am I to say otherwise. I don't say anything. I support them regardless of my feelings (even though they know how I feel). I'm not really great at hiding how I feel about people. In respect for the people I care about, I choose the events in which we interact, carefully keeping my distance from the people I dislike, because who knows what will come out of my mouth and what that will do to my relationship with the people I care about. Well, this exact situation is what complicates things more, moreso on their end then on my end. I'm keeping my distance away from the disliked person which in turn is preventing me from being with the person I want to spend time with.

So what do I do?

I consulted my other mother on this situation to see what kind of advice she'd give me. She's got the kindest heart in the world so I expected something really kind to come out of her mouth. At first she said, just tell them your not sure if you can make it. But being who I am, I already expressed my feelings in full detail so I couldn't really go that route. She further explained that if it were her, she would go because it is important to be there for the person you care about.

She's right. I don't like pretending. But maybe I have to so I can be that person I promised (to myself) I would be. Do I suppress eveverything I know, suppress what I believe for one night? Maybe.

Until then, Here are some pictures for your enjoyment.