Productive

Two years ago, I was laid off my job. I had Phantom so it worked out okay because it allowed me to be home with him. I wouldn't trade this time for the world but also never stopped looking for employment. So I did what any one would do in this situation, I finished my degree.

I was already enrolled in Baker College while I was employed but taking only one class. The time allowed me to take more than one while at home with our kids. It went by fast and before I knew it, I was done - Bachelors in Business Administration - Human Resources Management. Those of you that know me, know that I was already a practicing HR professional, something I pride myself in doing just by being at the right place at the right time. Now I had experience and an education to put me in the job market. Or so I thought.

I know how difficult it is to be one of hundreds of resumes overwhelming recruiter's and manager's email boxes. I know I'm going up against qualified candidates like myself. I won't argue to anyone that their jobs as recruiting professional has been increasingly difficult with the current economy and the amount of people unemployed. But that does not make me feel any better about myself when I know my abilities and remain unemployed.

Some question my desire to go back to work because of how needy our son is. Some believe that we are lucky to have what we have and have the happiness in our home that most people dream of having. I've kept myself busy doing just about everything but most of what I've done, I've done for FREE. Our household needs to have more financial stability and I continue to be discouraged week after week with no interviews.

So I vent. I vent to you and to all who are in the same situation and the recruiters who continue to look over our resumes. Some people may not have the job title you are looking for but are still very capable of doing the job you're recruiting for, all we ask is that you give us a chance.

Please and Thank you

Codepency

In my life, I've gone through so much more than any normal person would go through. There are things that have happened to me and within my family and friends that, to some, are inconceivable.

I was recommended a book to read about codependents. Having a vague idea of what a codependent is and what insight it might give me, I dove into the book looking for answers. I haven't finished it yet but each chapter gives me understanding of the events in my life and the people around me.

Let me take another step backwards, I also recently started to go to MOPS meetings. A great way for me to get out of the house, allow some time for me without having to find someone to watch the boys. MOPS is Mothers Of PreSchoolers. This past MOPS meeting they had a speaker who spoke about what we, as individuals, want and how we get what we want. In words that we can understand, without stories and without cushions, he effectively described everything I did to get to me - Today's me. I thought I was trying not to be someone else, but what I really was doing, is teaching myself not to be a codependent and focusing on what I wanted instead of what everyone else wanted.

So here it is from the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie:
"A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior".

I am the eldest female of five children. I was concerned for everyone's well-being in my family including my parents and siblings. I felt that I had a duty as their daughter and their sister, to take care of them and assure their happiness. My first revelation to break out of this mold was to move away from them at my first chance, which was college. I felt horrible leaving my siblings alone but I also didn't want to have that responsibility anymore. Over a very long period of time I learned, and am still learning, that all I can control is myself. I cannot control how others feel, think, or act. Through the years, I've learned to change the way I thought about everything, and doing what I want to do and learning to let everything else go. I am still learning how to think before speaking, to not get emotionally attached to everyone else's needs, to do good for myself and my children. Jimmy and I are adults. The one thing I always say, is that we are individuals doing what we want for ourselves and having each other is icing on the cake. We don't sulk in the possibilities of finding someone else to take each others place, because in the end, we can't control what someone else may or may not do. We live in the now.

To end this, I am enjoying what life has for me, learning each day to be the best me, and I'm glad I can share this with you.


I am free.

Epiphany

I had to think about when it all started, how I decided to be different.
Last night, I remembered what set myself apart from others.

In my first year of college I met some really great people. Maves is still one of my best friends today. There was another gal who I befriended before Maves. She was such a great person and during our first week, when freshman were being welcomed to school, she wanted to go home. She was from Connecticut and already home sick. We had a great time during that first week of school and I convinced her to stay. Our friendship grew. She was just down the hall from me in the dorm,which  was really great. Then Jeny came to stay with me in the dorm on weekends or during her breaks. If I had class, Ana would be nice enough to hang out with my sister while I was in class. But when I came back to see that they were having so much fun, I became very jealous. I don't know why, but in my jealousy I made the rest of Ana's year at school miserable. I stopped hanging out with her and I probably did some out right mean things.

Anyway, over the years I thought about it every now and again and tried to reason with myself as to why I would do such a mean thing. Then around age 25, I got a second job at a popular retail store and I saw these barrettes that were cursive letter A's. There was a matching purse to go with it and I decided to buy them and send them to her along with a letter apologizing for my ridiculous acts and hoping she would forgive me.

She did. I spoke with her shortly after she got the gifts and she said she wore them out to dinner with her boyfriend and it just so happened that he proposed to her that night. It was a good feeling to know that after all these years, she was still kind enough to forgive me.

When I think back to that time, I remembered that was when I had my epiphany. I decided not to be this crazed jealous person anymore always worried about everyone else and someone who was reactive and mean. If you knew me before I decided to be who I am now, you would notice a difference. But who I am now is who I've made myself be. I'm happy with who I am. I wish others would have epiphanies to allow them to see their own wrongs instead always trying to find wrongs in others. It's a much healthier way of living when you can see what affects your own actions have on others instead of what others are doing.

Peace be with you

Heart shaped cookies

Today is Valentine's day. I'm preparing heart shapped valentine cookies for Phyre's Kindergarden class thanks to Matt who saved the day by bringing me an egg to make the cookies!

But today I wanted to reflect upon the more recent days. Saturday, I had my first Purple Aura Jewelry party. I had some very dear friends who joined in on the introduction of PAJ to Orlando and a few family members. I got some great feedback and felt more at ease with what I am doing for PAJ and myself. I have the support of Jimmy Kwong who helps inspire me and develop ways to make this better.

Sunday, Jimmy and I went to see the joining of Michelle and Dan Predko. It was one of the best most touching ceremonies and receptions I've ever been to. They've been through so much and knowing their devotion to each other, makes the world a better place. It was a reminder to all of us who attended that the person you love, may not be there tomorrow. That you have to do all you can for that person today. I wish you two many more happy memories in your future and feel honored that I was able to witness all of your happy moments on your special day.

Today, Valentine's Day, I am overwhelmed with the love of my family. Jimmy who makes every day better just by being you. My beautiful boys who wake up briefly to see where I am, sleep in their eyes, and nudge closer to me and fall right back to sleep. And my beautiful adoring Phyre who tells me she wants to be just like me. Who deserves such love? Everyone does. I'm very fortunate to have my family whom I love with all my heart!

the best thing

It's 4:30am and I laid next to my son watching his eyes get heavy with each blink, his breathing slow to a calm easy pace, the pucker around the nipple of his bottle slow to a stop, until he fell asleep. And when the bottle dropped to his side, and the lids of eyes didn't open, my heart smiled and I knew I was watching the best thing in the world, my beautiful little boy asleep.

Lately, this has been a ritual with him. He hasn't been able to sleep at night and one of us, Jimmy or me, stays up with him until he can. I know he's needed us to fall asleep but mostly his eczema keeps him up. Today though, he was up because he wasn't tired. No itching. No crying out in pain. No frustration. Just pure happy energy. And I, having took a short nap, didn't mind it at all. Any night that isn't full of painful itching is a good night for him.

Some parents may read this and think that I'm absolutely absurd to allow our children not to have a set schedule of bedtime. We never did and probably never will. Right now, they are able to get a full nights rest no matter what time of day they sleep. They are loved, nurtured, kept well and safe, and are extremely brilliant children without a schedule and it works for us.

I'm thankful for the nights that I know Phantom is well. And even though I'm up at 4:30am writing this blog, I'm happy knowing my boy fell asleep because he wore himself out playing instead of itching. One day, the nights like these will be more frequent and sleep will come easier for us all. Tonight, I'll just cherish the thought that I know he was happy just before he fell asleep and his mind is in a good place dreaming good things. Now it's my turn. Good night.

The Egg

By: Andy Weir

You were on your way home when you died.
It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.

And that’s when you met me.

“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”
“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.
“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”
“Yup,” I said.
“I… I died?”
“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.

You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”

“More or less,” I said.
“Are you god?” You asked.
“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”
“My kids… my wife,” you said.
“What about them?”
“Will they be all right?”

“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”
You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”

“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”
“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”
“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”
“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”
You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”
“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”
“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”
“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”

I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.

“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”

“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”
“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”
“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”
“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”'
“Where you come from?” You said.
“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”

“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”
“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”
“So what’s the point of it all?”
“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”
“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.

I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”
“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”
“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”
“Just me? What about everyone else?”

“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”

You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”
“All you. Different incarnations of you.”
“Wait. I’m everyone!?”
“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.
“I’m every human being who ever lived?”
“Or who will ever live, yes.”
“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”
“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.
“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.
“And you’re the millions he killed.”
“I’m Jesus?”
“And you’re everyone who followed him.”
You fell silent.

“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”
You thought for a long time.
“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”
“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”
“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”
“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”
“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”
“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”
And I sent you on your way.

Road to Recovery

I've gone through much in my life that has allowed me to be who I am today. But tomorrow, I may experience something that will make me a better person the following day. This is how I've decided to live my life a very long time ago. A friend of mine, Stan, posted this on his FB page. It is not his quote but it defines how we all should live,

“You only fail at something if you didn't learn anything from the experience".


I have revealed an inner burden that I was capable of locking away for so many years. In so many ways, I feel a sense of relief. In others, there are so many unknowns that still hold me back from fully letting go. In due time, I hope to.


 I know for certain that I will keep learning and changing myself for the better. I know that Jimmy will always be by my side and my children will always make me smile and love me unconditionally as I will all of them. 


I'm living in the now, not the past, and not the future but I'm grateful for it all.