Holy Moly

I don't know how sound this post will be, but I thought about writing for so long but haven't had time. Now in my time of happiness (having finished a bottle of Riesling with Jimmy Kwong) I feel the need to write.

I have both of my external hard drives hooked up to my new laptop and I'm feeling complete. Complete in the fact that now, I have all my files, pictures, and documents on MY laptop. No longer using Jimmy's computer and no longer feeling the burden of being in someone else's space. Now I have my own and hopefully the writing Juices will flow.

Check this picture out. This is Phoenix's tiny little feet before his first birthday. He's now 4.

This was a great picture. So Sweet how are kids care for each other so much but it was a sad day. We were in California on the way to the boat where we would spread Papa Kwong's ashes in the Pacific Ocean.

Our baby. The most lovable child I've ever held. He grew out of those chubby cheeks but is still fantastically cuddly.

The love of my life - my soul mate. Jimmy Kwong. No words can describe our connections but it should be "bottled up and put on a shelf for all to purchase".

Enamored.

working it out

Since July 20, my last post, so much has happened.

I was offered a job doing what I used to do. It was very exciting just thinking about working again. We prepared our family and mostly our baby boy by putting him into daycare the week prior to me starting. It was traumatic for Phantom. I'm sure he was wondering why I was leaving him with a bunch of strangers and he continued to cry for hours after I left. What surprised me the most was, as I sat in my car in the parking lot of the daycare, I started to cry. I cried profusely for an hour. I never cried leaving my kids at daycare before but somehow it was different with him. Maybe the the length of time I stayed home taking care of him overwhelmed me knowing I had to let my baby go; maybe because Phantom and I have so much in common in our health that our bond naturally became stronger; maybe because he is my baby and even though I've been ready to go back to work and have time doing adult things without my baby, I still very much want to be his only caregiver. Whatever it is, I knew through my tears, I had to let go and he had to learn to be a big boy without me.

My first week of work was great. It felt very organic being in that role again. I knew what I was doing without really knowing what I was doing. Having to learn the company processes is the learning curve I will overcome, but otherwise, the same job. I felt great working and very tired. I would think that being home with my kids 24/7 and being awake 24/7 was more tiresome then working but it actually isn't. The good thing is, Phantom and I are on almost normal sleeping schedules with this new change in our lives. THAT IS the best thing about our new endeavor.

One my sixth day of work, my wallet was stolen from me and the thief took it upon himself to use every card in my wallet. Furious that they would be so inconsiderate to my family, I was overcome with sadness because they had my children's information and my nephew's picture, not to mention the wallet that took me forever to find and loved for so long. I felt violated and had to deliberately tell myself to calm down every time the thought of my wallet being stolen came to mind, which was every second for the first two days.  I asked if our building had security cameras and they instructed me to file a police report. I did. I feel more empowered now knowing that my actions will catch whomever took my wallet and be punished for his/her wrongdoings. If not by law, surely by God.

Now at the end of two weeks in the workforce, I sit here with my boys, grateful that their happy and well, listening to my baby girl in the background, enjoying my time at home with family and thankful for the all that has happened, including my wallet being stolen, because no matter what life throws at you, nothing is more important than the well-being and happiness of your family.

Wishing all of you happiness and prosperity in your life.


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Being burned

I was asked today how to get over being burned. I was burned when the man I was engaged with revealed a dirty secret. I thought we could overcome it but it never happened. After we broke it off I was literally sickened when approached by men. It took four months to get over that and in that time I reevaluated what I valued in a healthy relationship. So I strove to change the way I approached the next relationship and how I viewed it and my value in it. When I met someone who didn't make me throw up, I thought it was time to put the plan to action and the distance between us allowed me to adjust without showing my anguish in the transition. My previously crazy outburst to express my disagreements were now done quietly and privately without the crazy. I was changing myself to relinquish the fear of being hurt and to trust in my ability to overcome anything. I taught myself to live in the moment of happiness without worrying about the 'what ifs' of being heart broken. I allowed myself to trust others by allowing what I normally wouldn't be comfortable with. When I did, I was surprised to have not been let down that eventually grew my trust in him enough to call him my husband. It was refreshing and I loved the new me because I knew that trusting him was the best thing I could do for us and it made me more confident in myself. I don't dwell on what if because I know no matter what, I'll be okay. I wish all of you happiness and want you to know living in the moment is swell.

Moments

I'm a mother of three. I have a loyal pup and a wonderful husband. I don't work, yet. But my job at home is nonstop and sometimes grueling. I wake up to the needs of my children, I maintain throughout the day, I stay up with my children until one by one they doze off. On a good day I'll get six straight hours of undisturbed sleep. But those days are few and far between. Without sleep your body doesn't recover, rest and your patience wears thin very quickly. There are moments in my frustration that I can't help but show how little patience I have left that comes off as being rude. The truth is, I haven't stopped to rest or break from the everyday task of caring for my children, the house, and the family. I don't expect anyone to understand that unless you've walked the walk. I don't even ask for help or support. I know my duty to my children. But I feel like the man on the ground being kicked when I'm not given the respect that any human deserves that has broken down my spirit because one can't look past themselves. I've adjusted myself and I can see the adjustment in others. Too bad it's not in favor for the team.

The Hurt

If you think about a moment that hurt you the most, you may recall a break up or something in your childhood.

I've been fortunate to turn all of my moments of hurt into lessons. I don't think of it as hurt but as an opportunity to change. Some people can't do that and even worse, those that hurt don't see their actions as being wrong.

There is nothing in my past that I would change because everything that happened made me who I am today and my ability to adjust is speedy thanks to my past.

But I see things now and have seen things in the past that make me sad. Sad to know that others go through needless hurt and sad to know that the "hurter" is oblivious.

I once decided without question, that I would take on a responsibility. We had other responsibilities but it felt right to do so. We were both financially okay and could afford to do so. Most importantly it provided a stable environment where there was none before. When the circumstances changed, I had to give up that responsibility and others because there was no other way. The Hurt was knowing that no one wanted to take on the responsibility including the one who created it. Moreso, The Hurt wanted to make me feel bad for my decision. But I didn't. I only felt bad that The Hurt only saw one way and that no one would accept their responsibility. Years later, The Hurt only got worse and the responsibility weakened. Abuse comes in all forms. You don't have to be physical with someone to be abusive. You're words and your actions can be considered abuse and The Hurt fits into this category.

I used to hope that The Hurt would change, see the good instead of the bad or even see that sometimes there are wrongs. I'd say it's okay to be wrong sometimes so long as you can learn from the wrong but that would not be the case. Since then, I've lost hope in change and instead decided that all I could do, is control myself and not worry about trying to change others. But I still believe in good and helping others especially those that can't help themselves.

At some point, we all recognize our greatest triumphs, tragedies, wrongs and right. I hope the day comes sooner then later before all is lost.

Art-tastic!

So my previous blog mentioned my art and I finally have the chance to show some of it off. I'm pretty excited! I'll be displaying and hopefully selling a few pieces as well as taking pictures of the event at the American Bastards Bazaar! If you're in the Central Florida Area, come check me out!

Artist?

Throughout my life there was a relentless need to write, draw, and to take pictures. I wrote in journals and school reports came pretty easy for me. If I had camera, didn't matter if it was a disposable or old 35 mm, I saw things through the lens that was very artful. I remember the first time I drew something. I was 10, stuck in a hospital bed, and the nurses gave me paper and color pencils to draw with. So I sat up and drew a dragon. I don't know where it came from or how I did it, but I did it and it amazed me that something was produced by my hands. So I decided to keep drawing using whatever I had and learning to use different materials. My high school art teacher probably hated me but I learned a lot about art mediums and the different kind of art produced from each medium.

Over the years, my arts improved. I take better pictures, have a more creative way of looking at the scene. I write more creatively but the one thing I can say that I am still consistent in is drawing/painting. How does one excel in this area? By doing more of it.

SO I am. I'm making new paintings, creating new arts, writing more, and taking pictures any chance I get. Excelling in all areas I can, keeping busy with what I've always loved to do.

Hopefully, one day someone will like my art enough to call me an artist.

For now here are some pictures and some music suggestions!