To be or not to be

Things are definitely different in the Kwong house. Everything happened all at once. I can't think of Maika for too long because I'm still very emotional. My little and big loves of my life have been ill. Watching them hurt makes me hurt. I have one thing off my plate, and that is my class. I get to relax for a little bit and enjoy the holidays even if it is without my #1. I'm preparing a photo album for her. I can't express how much she meant to me and many won't understand it - Maika Lee being a dog and all. She was my partner and friend for eleven years.

Our girl is gone

It's the morning after... The quiet is so different from before. Everything about this house is different. I just have to think of her and my emotions take over. I was prepared but when it's all said and done there is still a void. Like my friend would say, Maika was a slice of my pie, and now she's gone. There's no heavy snoring next to me where she slept, no looks of adoration, no barks of protections, no Maika Lee. I don't like this quiet. I miss her. But I'll get used to it. Maika Lee, you'll always be my number one. I love you.

another sleepless night

My last post was about my dog and having to put her down. But I think God was on my side on that day that we took her to the Vet. He wanted to try something and I agreed to it. If she lasted the night, the outcome looked good for her and we wouldn't have to put her down. So we tried it... And she lasted through the night. She's still getting into things but at least she's still with us for a little while longer.

Phantom woke up at 2:30am. I haven't been able to go back to sleep. What do I do when I can't sleep? I write. There are so many things that go through my head and I've decided to do something that will change the way someone thinks. I guess that's what's keeping me up. I've struggled with this decision for ten months now and I think the time has come to let it out. It's not going to be easy but I'll feel better afterwards knowing I don't have to keep it secret. Then there's the letter. I've been too busy to think about it. But today, in my sleepless night, I'll respond.

I was hoping I wasn't going to be emotional. Mentally preparing myself for the conversation. I haven't been emotional when talking about it before but this time it will be different. I just have to remind myself that it will be okay. All will be okay.

It's time to say good-bye

One day back in 2000 I went to a co-workers home to see some pups. I was so excited because I was finally going to bring home a pup for myself. He handed me a tiny little puppy with a black nose and I decided to call her Maika. She was only five weeks old when I brought her home. 

She was the cutest thing I could lay my eyes on. Before Maika was mine, I was around the breed often. It was a time when they were shunned and people were afraid of them. My purpose with Maika Lee was to make sure she could impact people in a good way and the breed rap would change. So I started early, bringing her everywhere I went, introducing her to everyone I met, allowing her to play with my nephews. She was the most loving and loyal dog anyone could ever imagine. 

Her instincts were to protect her family. When she was around, I didn't have to worry about strangers coming into our home. If the children were in the other room and Maika was by my side, I knew if there was something wrong with them because she would let me know. If someone came knocking at my door, and I didn't feel safe answering, I'd let her do the talking. But on walks, she'd stay by my side, happily watching everything around her, and when she saw something of interest she'd make it known. She always liked chasing lizards and squirrels. She'd search and sniff out their hiding spots until she saw them move and then pounce. I let her enjoy her time searching and pouncing because that is who she is. She was never aggressive towards people. She enjoyed the company of people and she loved meeting people who wanted to meet her. 

When I was pregnant with Phyre, there was a short period of time when she had to stay outside. There were nights where I'd camp out with her because Maika was never an outside dog. I'd wisk her away and sleep over Jeremy and Maves' place where Maika Lee could sleep beside me, where she was used to sleeping. She was so protective of me during that time that she sometimes wouldn't let Jimmy get close to me. I thought it was funny, but Jimmy didn't. With Maika, even though she'd make her feelings known, she'd never attack anyone and she always listened. I remember when we finally brought Phyre home. It was Maika's first baby, never mind Phyre was my first baby. If Phyre would cry, Maika would come and get me. She'd run around in circles until I got her. If I was laying Phyre down and allowing her to cry before she fell asleep, Maika would whine and run back and forth from the bedroom door to me until she stopped or I got her. Maika hovered over Phyre, protecting her and soothing her. 

Maika only got better with age. She has a grey muzzle now, her body has thinned out, her head isn't so boxy, and she lost some weight over the last eleven years. She would be twelve on February 18th but she won't be making that day this time around. 

I owe a lot to my first girl and her ability to make every day better for me. I knew one day I had to confront her not being with me but no one wants to say good-bye to a friend. I've tried preparing myself years ago but knew that no matter how much you prepare, it's never easy. She will always be my girl. my best friend. my baby. And even though I can't stand the thought of you - Maika Lee - not laying down next to me or following me around everywhere I go, I know you'll be happy where all dogs go - to heaven. Have fun with Marley up there. I'll miss you more than you know and I will always love you. 

Holy Moly

I don't know how sound this post will be, but I thought about writing for so long but haven't had time. Now in my time of happiness (having finished a bottle of Riesling with Jimmy Kwong) I feel the need to write.

I have both of my external hard drives hooked up to my new laptop and I'm feeling complete. Complete in the fact that now, I have all my files, pictures, and documents on MY laptop. No longer using Jimmy's computer and no longer feeling the burden of being in someone else's space. Now I have my own and hopefully the writing Juices will flow.

Check this picture out. This is Phoenix's tiny little feet before his first birthday. He's now 4.

This was a great picture. So Sweet how are kids care for each other so much but it was a sad day. We were in California on the way to the boat where we would spread Papa Kwong's ashes in the Pacific Ocean.

Our baby. The most lovable child I've ever held. He grew out of those chubby cheeks but is still fantastically cuddly.

The love of my life - my soul mate. Jimmy Kwong. No words can describe our connections but it should be "bottled up and put on a shelf for all to purchase".

Enamored.

working it out

Since July 20, my last post, so much has happened.

I was offered a job doing what I used to do. It was very exciting just thinking about working again. We prepared our family and mostly our baby boy by putting him into daycare the week prior to me starting. It was traumatic for Phantom. I'm sure he was wondering why I was leaving him with a bunch of strangers and he continued to cry for hours after I left. What surprised me the most was, as I sat in my car in the parking lot of the daycare, I started to cry. I cried profusely for an hour. I never cried leaving my kids at daycare before but somehow it was different with him. Maybe the the length of time I stayed home taking care of him overwhelmed me knowing I had to let my baby go; maybe because Phantom and I have so much in common in our health that our bond naturally became stronger; maybe because he is my baby and even though I've been ready to go back to work and have time doing adult things without my baby, I still very much want to be his only caregiver. Whatever it is, I knew through my tears, I had to let go and he had to learn to be a big boy without me.

My first week of work was great. It felt very organic being in that role again. I knew what I was doing without really knowing what I was doing. Having to learn the company processes is the learning curve I will overcome, but otherwise, the same job. I felt great working and very tired. I would think that being home with my kids 24/7 and being awake 24/7 was more tiresome then working but it actually isn't. The good thing is, Phantom and I are on almost normal sleeping schedules with this new change in our lives. THAT IS the best thing about our new endeavor.

One my sixth day of work, my wallet was stolen from me and the thief took it upon himself to use every card in my wallet. Furious that they would be so inconsiderate to my family, I was overcome with sadness because they had my children's information and my nephew's picture, not to mention the wallet that took me forever to find and loved for so long. I felt violated and had to deliberately tell myself to calm down every time the thought of my wallet being stolen came to mind, which was every second for the first two days.  I asked if our building had security cameras and they instructed me to file a police report. I did. I feel more empowered now knowing that my actions will catch whomever took my wallet and be punished for his/her wrongdoings. If not by law, surely by God.

Now at the end of two weeks in the workforce, I sit here with my boys, grateful that their happy and well, listening to my baby girl in the background, enjoying my time at home with family and thankful for the all that has happened, including my wallet being stolen, because no matter what life throws at you, nothing is more important than the well-being and happiness of your family.

Wishing all of you happiness and prosperity in your life.


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Being burned

I was asked today how to get over being burned. I was burned when the man I was engaged with revealed a dirty secret. I thought we could overcome it but it never happened. After we broke it off I was literally sickened when approached by men. It took four months to get over that and in that time I reevaluated what I valued in a healthy relationship. So I strove to change the way I approached the next relationship and how I viewed it and my value in it. When I met someone who didn't make me throw up, I thought it was time to put the plan to action and the distance between us allowed me to adjust without showing my anguish in the transition. My previously crazy outburst to express my disagreements were now done quietly and privately without the crazy. I was changing myself to relinquish the fear of being hurt and to trust in my ability to overcome anything. I taught myself to live in the moment of happiness without worrying about the 'what ifs' of being heart broken. I allowed myself to trust others by allowing what I normally wouldn't be comfortable with. When I did, I was surprised to have not been let down that eventually grew my trust in him enough to call him my husband. It was refreshing and I loved the new me because I knew that trusting him was the best thing I could do for us and it made me more confident in myself. I don't dwell on what if because I know no matter what, I'll be okay. I wish all of you happiness and want you to know living in the moment is swell.