Mother

Recent events are causing me to think about my life. 

I find myself recalling memories in the past and seeing it's impact in relationship to what occurred thereafter.

I remember being around many people growing up. We were always at a party or having a party. It was really nice because we (me and my siblings) would always be around other children. I think that's just part of the culture so I relished in all the fun we would have during these gathers. I was in my mid twenties when I would see the gatherings dwindle away to nothing and I didn't think much of it until now. more on this later.

Growing up, I was always sick and in the hospital. The one person I know was always there with me was my mother. I never thought about how my siblings were being taken care of because all I could remember is that my mother was with me. It's a great thing to remember loving memories like this and I don't take anything away from her because in this respect, my mother was always a great caretaker. She'd make you soup and tend to you to make sure you felt better. This I learned from her and thankful that she tended to me like an only child all those years I took her away from her other children.

Now as a mother of three, I can't help to compare myself to the mothers I know including my own. There are many things I have yet to learn and I look up to those who have the experience having raised children into wonderful adults. 

I don't like to hide things from people or lie. I especially dislike being lied to. So it is not unknown that my relationship with my mother has been practically non-existing in the last 3 years. I'm fortunate enough to have many other mothers who treat me like their own. One of which recently passed away.

I found myself reflecting on this yesterday which I think emotionally drained me. My baby (he's four), had a tantrum and usually I'm pretty good about it but yesterday it was a lot for me and I think it's because I was already spent by the time that happened because I felt helpless.

Back to the story. During my time of reflection, I thought of how we got to this point. No one ever says to themselves, when I grow up, I don't need my mother. Everyone needs a mother or mother-figure. So I remember all the instances I could in this short period of time. I thought of how my mother, being the major parental figure in my life, cared for us but didn't care for my father. So even though her sentences would start off with, I don't want you to hate your father (or the like), she would bad mouth him and tell us how bad he was. It was instinctive for us to gravitate towards her thus creating this void with my father who I now realize didn't deserve it and who tried so hard to keep his relationship with us (even though there were mishaps between). Who's perfect really?

Over the last 15 years, I've noticed a change. This may be because I am an adult and could think for myself now or it may be that my mother was getting older and changing. I can't tell you because this is my view. I noticed that her relationship with her friends dwindled down to nothing, causing our parties to go away altogether. I noticed her moods drastically change from happiness to anger in an instance for whatever reason was causing her anger. She hated that we developed a relationship with my father. She wouldn't say it outright, but she'd say things to make you feel guilty for spending time with him. I don't believe that she thought of herself as the primary parental figure anymore because of this new found relationship with my father so she had to demean our relationship anyway she could. She was quick to pass judgement and give opinions and felt her opinions were always right. And if you didn't agree, she'd bid you gone from her life or write a letter telling you how she felt we were wrong. 

There is only so much of that I could take. I want to be stable, because even though she is the way she is now, I'm learning from her every day. Learning I don't want to be like that. I don't want those words to every come from my mouth - because what kind of mother would I be if I told my children to have a nice life and I'll be fine without you. I will never be fine without my children. 

This is where I'm at. I chose this path because I can't be like my sisters who take those notes from her like a grain of salt. Her last note was all I needed to make this choice. My sisters are not wrong either and in a way, I admire them for being able to look past all of that and be the bigger person. This is my life, I choose this path because I want a stable healthy relationship with the people around me and I want that for my children. My father can give that to me and to my children. And not that I wanted to choose him over her, but I had to, for the sake of our emotional stability and because they need to have positive figures in their life. I have an amazing mother in law. She puts me (not her daughter) first along with our children. She provides for us in all aspects of life. And I see this in other mother's like Mama Williams and Mama Ranola who I cherish with all my heart. I will never forget the moments in my life where my mother was amazing - caring for me. I will never take those great memories away from her. But I am a mother now. My concern is for my own family. And if I could have my mother in all her glory, be a stable loving figure who is free from anger and hate, I would have her in my life. And if I can't, I am happy having the mothers I do have in my life and the memories of Mama Ranola. 

Family

This week has been an emotional experience. 

The loss of of a loved one is never easy, but I've gained perspective that I had not realized before.


My family, blood family, consisting of my parents and siblings, are the only family we have here. Growing up, I was told to cherish it and support one another always. And in a sense, there was a hierarchy of relationships that began with them. But I began to realize very quickly at a young age, that even though I was not born or raised in the Philippines, my family's friends were all family as well. I had Titas and Titos, and Kuyas and Ates that were also considered family. But none of which were blood family. I didn't have the luxuries of having my actual Titas and Titos, Lolas and Lolos, to grow up with, to call upon, or to have a relationship with - so when my first lolo passed away when I was 11-12, I was crying for my mother's loss but not the loss of my lolo because I had not had that relationship. And when other blood family members would pass, I would feel sorrow but not for me, for the my parents who were grieving. I had not suffered a loss of my own until my friend Perry Roden passed away. And then I found myself grieving for the first time. And again, when Papa Kwong passed away. The most emotional and heart-wrenching weeks of my life. When Maika Lee was put down, It felt like I lost a child. And this week, when my best friend's mother passed away, my grief surfaced again. So I can say I have been fortunate in a way- that the deaths that I have experienced were few but not blood... 

This week, as I looked at the many people that came to celebrate the life of Tita Cher, I realized that my family is not all blood related and that my parent's culture, which is deep rooted in me - but not very visible, actually had so much to do with how I view my life now. That even though people are not your blood, they can still be family. 

There are five families (parents, children, grandparents,etc) that I have grown up with and called my own. Never really recognizing the impact that they had on me until this week. The Bernabe,The Kwong, The Manansala, The Williams, and The Vincente/Ranola Families. These five families have accepted me and my family into their own. And maybe this was God's way of rectifying my family by giving me all of your families to love and support as you do for me. 

On the long ride home from a heavy day of reflection and grieving, Jimmy and I spoke of life and death. We saw in Tito Bong's eyes and in his words, that we too would feel this way if Jimmy or I had to leave this earth without each other. We questioned our actions and current situation with family members - and I realized - what I have now, is exactly what I should have. I have not made it a secret that making friends isn't a strong suit of mine because of this very culture I have instinctively created for myself. Friends, true friends, become family. The amount of love, emotions, and effort it takes to nurture the relationship between friends is enormous. And so I keep myself busy nurturing the relationships I have to support my family when they need me most. And I post this, as a tribute to my family - both blood and not blood - that I will love and support you until the day I die. 

Our Children

When I say, "our", I don't mean mine. I mean our generation of children.

We have watched and learned of generations and generations of children, and the norms of each generation. 

We can recall grandparents telling us how long they've walked to get to school. I remember riding a bus to school and using the windows to get some air flow through the bus and now they have AC units and tinted windows.

My children are growing up in the age of technology. I think it's really wonderful that they have this kind of opportunity to learn through technology but I don't believe it should be a primary source of entertainment, play, or learning.

This is where I tell you how amazing I am at being a parent. Well don't hold your breath because I can tell you, I'm not so amazing as I'd like to think. And I can think of many parents who don't believe how I raise my children to be the "right" way. But I will say this, the right way can be subjective so long as you aren't hurting your child(ren), abusing or neglecting them. There is an infinite amount of love, support and guidance that I would give to my children and other people's children. But I speak loudly and I use the threat of or act of spanking as a consequence. I never do this in anger and they always know why before and after. I believe that love is not enough. That loving your child doesn't provide them food on the table, give them shelter, provide healthcare,support their learning capabilities, or need for stimulation and exercise. 

Technology does not replace you. It doesn't replace the backyard where your kids should be playing at least an hour a day (because you know that recess in school no longer exist), and it surely doesn't give your kids manners. 

We have to limit this for our children. Show them that playing outside is amazing, that learning outside of school - isn't so bad, and that saying please and thank you (and everything else they should learn) is mandatory.

My boys open and holds the door for people (even if the door is too heavy and an adult has to stand next to them for support) they know what they're doing is helping people get in and out.

My daughter has an infinite love of animals. A passion that is seen by everyone and she will pick up a caterpillar on a sidewalk to trasport him to a nearby bush so he's safe. 

Most of all, we have to trust that our kids will understand what we say to them is in their best interest. I had a conversation with my children the other day, (ages 8,6, and almost 4). My oldest understood what I was saying. But I told them that there are parts of our brain that is slower in development and the frontal lobe isn't fully matured until early 20's. This is the part of the brain that gives you consequences to actions and provides you with good judgement. Because they are so young, they have to trust that mommy and daddy make their decisions for them until they are capable of making it for themselves. My daughter, she's an amazing young lady, puts her necklace that was around her neck also around the bowl of food she was eating. I told her not to that because it will pull her bowl and spill. She said I'm sorry mommy, I did it because I thought it was fun but I didn't know better because my frontal lobe isn't finishing developing. She's only 8. I think every day that if I continue to have frank conversations with my children, then as they grow older, they will remind themselves of these conversations to help them in the future.

So here is why I'm writing. I was watching or reading something and the woman was stating that our young women look forward to the day they become a bride. What some of us forget to do while our children are young is to show them how to become good husbands and wives. We think that opening the car door for someone or preparing a meal makes them worthy of an adult partner but there is so much that goes into a relationship such as marriage or any committed relationship that we have to show them, by being the example and by enforcing to them that being a good person, will help (but not prepare), in becoming a good partner. For me, being a good mother, means being a good wife. I love my husband and I know that if I can be good to him, it will be reciprocated and our children will learn from us. We have to support our children in anything and everything that they want to do within good reason. My daughter saw a conure in a pet store and fell in love with it. The next thing I know, she wants one. I told her it's a very expensive bird. If you want it, you have to buy it yourself. So she says okay. She saved up $300 in five months. When she had $100 I told her she has to keep her money safe in the bank so she opened up a bank account to put her money in. I also told her that a conure takes a lot of work in caring for him. She wasn't deterred. So she read a book on how to care for conures. No matter how much we as parents believe it may not be a good idea, it was an accomplishment for her to do everything she was supposed to do to get a bird. If I were to deny her this privilege now, I'd shatter her dreams, and enforce to her that putting all the hard work means nothing and essentially crushing her morale and probably instilling a bit of hatred. She deserves to have the bird. And as parents, she deserves our support for her accomplishment. And we should celebrate each accomplishment no matter how little or big it is.

In closing, my husband went shopping with his grandfather the other day. They spoke about how children will be 30 before you know it. I already see how time flies now because I can remember each of their birthdays and the feelings that went along with it like yesterday. I can only hope that my children learn from us.  I want them to see a world of equality, differences that are beautiful and unique, and be accepting and helpful to their communities. I want to continue having frank conversations with my children and hope that they ask lots of questions. I look forward to tomorrow and seeing their beautiful minds develop. 

reflection

I often think about previous events in my life to see where I can improve myself, things I do and say, and how I want to impact the people I see everyday, especially my family and friends. 

There is so much going on in my head that I want to write it all down but one of the things I have to learn to do is to focus on one task and see it to completion.

This is my attempt. 

I reflect on a special friendship I've had for a very long time. We had a great time being teenagers. So much of who that person was is gone now. For the both of us. We accomplished so much over the years, developed our abilities and progressed in areas while other areas weakened. I know much of how I communicate with people actually became less forward to people, more considerate, and I became more grateful for the present. 

My observation of my dear friend, she was wild, carefree, spontaneous and fun. She was the opposite of me and I loved it. Without her, I probably would still be living in a shell. She brought me out to see the world in a new light. As we grew older and wiser, I watched her lose her wild, carefree, fun self and change into a loving, caring yet complacent person - almost afraid. Afraid to remember the person she was, afraid to change her comfort level, afraid she might not be good enough. 

I know what she's capable of. I know she can tackle the world on her shoulders if she just tried. And if she let go of the shackles, she'd see it too. 

I would give the last drops of water to watch you survive. 

Just give me the word and I will be there for you.

Work to Live

In Europe, work to live is the lifestyle. They harness the family.
In the US, it's quite the opposite. People strive to do better for themselves in the hopes of doing better for family. So work becomes first priority.

I have three children now. I want more than anything to do better for my family but not at their expense. My children need me as much as I need them. There needs to be a better way so they are not impacted by my life.

Before this, I was very good at keeping work and personal life separate. No one knew at work about my personal life outside of me mentioning my children. They didn't know about my rockstar husband, my tattoos, or that outside of work, I'm pretty straightforward with what I say and less likely to befriend you. At work, I was helpful, a social nazi, upbeat, and a cheerleader. Separation of the two is what I really liked. But for whatever reason, I did not stay with this theme, and for this reason it has complicated matters.

It is up to me to learn what needs to be done. So I push forward to find the answers. --> NEED

Memories

Every moment, is an opportunity to create a memory. As time goes on, our memory starts to fade and only the important or profound experiences are put to memory.

I have tried to remind myself to blog about my day, and each day that passes by, I've forgotten to do so until today.

There has been tugs at my heart lately making me think of what I'm doing, who I'm impacting, and if I am making a difference in someone's life. Thoughts that made me think of what I want to do with my life. So I was reminded of my goals and it put me on a track but in doing so, I've tried to commit to memory the things I've taken for granted before.

The other day, I played a song in the car that I made my children listen to. It's one of my favorites. The last time Phyre and Phoenix heard it, they were 3 and 1 respectively. It would be remarkable if either one could remember this song but as it was playing, Phoenix said, mommy this song sounds like it was in a movie. He continued to say, It sounds like a bird, but it also sounds like someone died and went into the water. Mommy this song sounds like it could be for YaYa (Jimmy's father who passed away when he was one). 

Phoenix was right, I put Yanni's nightingale on a photo montage that I made for the funeral. Could it be that he remembered? Phoenix and Yaya were inseparable and Yaya took care of him while I worked that entire first year since his birth. 

It also reminded me of the things that are important in our life. Our family. And each day, I feel like we have to be reminded that our family should always come first until our children have their own families to tend to.

This memory was a special one. And I hope that I'm able to commit more moments like this to memory. Each day is a blessing when I can wake up with my family.

Fortunate

I have been fortunate to have a life that brings me continuous happiness. I have expounded on my life and the emotional journey that I took to get me to this place. I have learned so much from so many and I thank everyone who I have met that provided me with the knowledge and experience (big or small) that "molded" me to who I am. 

Phyre asked me to turn down the music in the car today because she was busy dreaming. I thought it was wonderful for her to be able to dream up such beautiful dreams that even music was disrupting her dreams. I want her to be able to dream as much and as big as her heart desires but I know that some people find that dreaming is a waste of time. I don't agree because without my childhood dreams, I wouldn't have Jimmy or my beautiful children, and I wouldn't have had Maika Lee. But my "fortune" allowed me to live my dreams.

Today, I am thinking of so many things. I think of the day that I will be able to accept another dog in our home. Excited for the opportunity to have a loving and loyal companion and anxious to see if my heart will allow me to move on.

 I think of the experiences I have had recently that allowed me the opportunity to see things as they are and to let go of what I had hoped. In so many instances, I find myself wanting to trust too soon, to give my friendship 100%, a consideration that is only limited to me. There is no down to this, but it reels me back to the reality that friendship, the kind that is unconditional, is very rare and only a handful of people in my life have mine but sometimes I'm all too willing to give it to people undeserving of it. It brings back to reality that I believe in the good of people but some people can only go so far for anyone but themselves.

Then, I find a humbling moment for myself. A sort of self affirmation. I may have given people the honest truth without filters, giving them the impression that I am not a pleasant person. But the truth of the matter is, I like to see the good in people until I can see that a person is not good. I am not talking about lifestyles, choices you make that is who you are, but I'm talking about the way people treat other people or animals, and how one reacts to the needs of others. I have wonderful friends and family who do things that I do not agree with 100% but their life is not mine to live so there is no reason for me to judge what they do. My opinion and feelings are my own that works for my life and my family. It's a little reminder to myself that I am not a bad person or the bitch that some people want me to be. Trust that I am not but know that at any moment I can be if you so desire.

Lastly, I have dreamt up my own dreams. I can only believe that one day they will come true. I've made decisions in my life that will hopefully lead me to this dream and I look forward to that moment and sharing it with the people I love.