Family

This week has been an emotional experience. 

The loss of of a loved one is never easy, but I've gained perspective that I had not realized before.


My family, blood family, consisting of my parents and siblings, are the only family we have here. Growing up, I was told to cherish it and support one another always. And in a sense, there was a hierarchy of relationships that began with them. But I began to realize very quickly at a young age, that even though I was not born or raised in the Philippines, my family's friends were all family as well. I had Titas and Titos, and Kuyas and Ates that were also considered family. But none of which were blood family. I didn't have the luxuries of having my actual Titas and Titos, Lolas and Lolos, to grow up with, to call upon, or to have a relationship with - so when my first lolo passed away when I was 11-12, I was crying for my mother's loss but not the loss of my lolo because I had not had that relationship. And when other blood family members would pass, I would feel sorrow but not for me, for the my parents who were grieving. I had not suffered a loss of my own until my friend Perry Roden passed away. And then I found myself grieving for the first time. And again, when Papa Kwong passed away. The most emotional and heart-wrenching weeks of my life. When Maika Lee was put down, It felt like I lost a child. And this week, when my best friend's mother passed away, my grief surfaced again. So I can say I have been fortunate in a way- that the deaths that I have experienced were few but not blood... 

This week, as I looked at the many people that came to celebrate the life of Tita Cher, I realized that my family is not all blood related and that my parent's culture, which is deep rooted in me - but not very visible, actually had so much to do with how I view my life now. That even though people are not your blood, they can still be family. 

There are five families (parents, children, grandparents,etc) that I have grown up with and called my own. Never really recognizing the impact that they had on me until this week. The Bernabe,The Kwong, The Manansala, The Williams, and The Vincente/Ranola Families. These five families have accepted me and my family into their own. And maybe this was God's way of rectifying my family by giving me all of your families to love and support as you do for me. 

On the long ride home from a heavy day of reflection and grieving, Jimmy and I spoke of life and death. We saw in Tito Bong's eyes and in his words, that we too would feel this way if Jimmy or I had to leave this earth without each other. We questioned our actions and current situation with family members - and I realized - what I have now, is exactly what I should have. I have not made it a secret that making friends isn't a strong suit of mine because of this very culture I have instinctively created for myself. Friends, true friends, become family. The amount of love, emotions, and effort it takes to nurture the relationship between friends is enormous. And so I keep myself busy nurturing the relationships I have to support my family when they need me most. And I post this, as a tribute to my family - both blood and not blood - that I will love and support you until the day I die. 

Our Children

When I say, "our", I don't mean mine. I mean our generation of children.

We have watched and learned of generations and generations of children, and the norms of each generation. 

We can recall grandparents telling us how long they've walked to get to school. I remember riding a bus to school and using the windows to get some air flow through the bus and now they have AC units and tinted windows.

My children are growing up in the age of technology. I think it's really wonderful that they have this kind of opportunity to learn through technology but I don't believe it should be a primary source of entertainment, play, or learning.

This is where I tell you how amazing I am at being a parent. Well don't hold your breath because I can tell you, I'm not so amazing as I'd like to think. And I can think of many parents who don't believe how I raise my children to be the "right" way. But I will say this, the right way can be subjective so long as you aren't hurting your child(ren), abusing or neglecting them. There is an infinite amount of love, support and guidance that I would give to my children and other people's children. But I speak loudly and I use the threat of or act of spanking as a consequence. I never do this in anger and they always know why before and after. I believe that love is not enough. That loving your child doesn't provide them food on the table, give them shelter, provide healthcare,support their learning capabilities, or need for stimulation and exercise. 

Technology does not replace you. It doesn't replace the backyard where your kids should be playing at least an hour a day (because you know that recess in school no longer exist), and it surely doesn't give your kids manners. 

We have to limit this for our children. Show them that playing outside is amazing, that learning outside of school - isn't so bad, and that saying please and thank you (and everything else they should learn) is mandatory.

My boys open and holds the door for people (even if the door is too heavy and an adult has to stand next to them for support) they know what they're doing is helping people get in and out.

My daughter has an infinite love of animals. A passion that is seen by everyone and she will pick up a caterpillar on a sidewalk to trasport him to a nearby bush so he's safe. 

Most of all, we have to trust that our kids will understand what we say to them is in their best interest. I had a conversation with my children the other day, (ages 8,6, and almost 4). My oldest understood what I was saying. But I told them that there are parts of our brain that is slower in development and the frontal lobe isn't fully matured until early 20's. This is the part of the brain that gives you consequences to actions and provides you with good judgement. Because they are so young, they have to trust that mommy and daddy make their decisions for them until they are capable of making it for themselves. My daughter, she's an amazing young lady, puts her necklace that was around her neck also around the bowl of food she was eating. I told her not to that because it will pull her bowl and spill. She said I'm sorry mommy, I did it because I thought it was fun but I didn't know better because my frontal lobe isn't finishing developing. She's only 8. I think every day that if I continue to have frank conversations with my children, then as they grow older, they will remind themselves of these conversations to help them in the future.

So here is why I'm writing. I was watching or reading something and the woman was stating that our young women look forward to the day they become a bride. What some of us forget to do while our children are young is to show them how to become good husbands and wives. We think that opening the car door for someone or preparing a meal makes them worthy of an adult partner but there is so much that goes into a relationship such as marriage or any committed relationship that we have to show them, by being the example and by enforcing to them that being a good person, will help (but not prepare), in becoming a good partner. For me, being a good mother, means being a good wife. I love my husband and I know that if I can be good to him, it will be reciprocated and our children will learn from us. We have to support our children in anything and everything that they want to do within good reason. My daughter saw a conure in a pet store and fell in love with it. The next thing I know, she wants one. I told her it's a very expensive bird. If you want it, you have to buy it yourself. So she says okay. She saved up $300 in five months. When she had $100 I told her she has to keep her money safe in the bank so she opened up a bank account to put her money in. I also told her that a conure takes a lot of work in caring for him. She wasn't deterred. So she read a book on how to care for conures. No matter how much we as parents believe it may not be a good idea, it was an accomplishment for her to do everything she was supposed to do to get a bird. If I were to deny her this privilege now, I'd shatter her dreams, and enforce to her that putting all the hard work means nothing and essentially crushing her morale and probably instilling a bit of hatred. She deserves to have the bird. And as parents, she deserves our support for her accomplishment. And we should celebrate each accomplishment no matter how little or big it is.

In closing, my husband went shopping with his grandfather the other day. They spoke about how children will be 30 before you know it. I already see how time flies now because I can remember each of their birthdays and the feelings that went along with it like yesterday. I can only hope that my children learn from us.  I want them to see a world of equality, differences that are beautiful and unique, and be accepting and helpful to their communities. I want to continue having frank conversations with my children and hope that they ask lots of questions. I look forward to tomorrow and seeing their beautiful minds develop. 

reflection

I often think about previous events in my life to see where I can improve myself, things I do and say, and how I want to impact the people I see everyday, especially my family and friends. 

There is so much going on in my head that I want to write it all down but one of the things I have to learn to do is to focus on one task and see it to completion.

This is my attempt. 

I reflect on a special friendship I've had for a very long time. We had a great time being teenagers. So much of who that person was is gone now. For the both of us. We accomplished so much over the years, developed our abilities and progressed in areas while other areas weakened. I know much of how I communicate with people actually became less forward to people, more considerate, and I became more grateful for the present. 

My observation of my dear friend, she was wild, carefree, spontaneous and fun. She was the opposite of me and I loved it. Without her, I probably would still be living in a shell. She brought me out to see the world in a new light. As we grew older and wiser, I watched her lose her wild, carefree, fun self and change into a loving, caring yet complacent person - almost afraid. Afraid to remember the person she was, afraid to change her comfort level, afraid she might not be good enough. 

I know what she's capable of. I know she can tackle the world on her shoulders if she just tried. And if she let go of the shackles, she'd see it too. 

I would give the last drops of water to watch you survive. 

Just give me the word and I will be there for you.

Work to Live

In Europe, work to live is the lifestyle. They harness the family.
In the US, it's quite the opposite. People strive to do better for themselves in the hopes of doing better for family. So work becomes first priority.

I have three children now. I want more than anything to do better for my family but not at their expense. My children need me as much as I need them. There needs to be a better way so they are not impacted by my life.

Before this, I was very good at keeping work and personal life separate. No one knew at work about my personal life outside of me mentioning my children. They didn't know about my rockstar husband, my tattoos, or that outside of work, I'm pretty straightforward with what I say and less likely to befriend you. At work, I was helpful, a social nazi, upbeat, and a cheerleader. Separation of the two is what I really liked. But for whatever reason, I did not stay with this theme, and for this reason it has complicated matters.

It is up to me to learn what needs to be done. So I push forward to find the answers. --> NEED

Memories

Every moment, is an opportunity to create a memory. As time goes on, our memory starts to fade and only the important or profound experiences are put to memory.

I have tried to remind myself to blog about my day, and each day that passes by, I've forgotten to do so until today.

There has been tugs at my heart lately making me think of what I'm doing, who I'm impacting, and if I am making a difference in someone's life. Thoughts that made me think of what I want to do with my life. So I was reminded of my goals and it put me on a track but in doing so, I've tried to commit to memory the things I've taken for granted before.

The other day, I played a song in the car that I made my children listen to. It's one of my favorites. The last time Phyre and Phoenix heard it, they were 3 and 1 respectively. It would be remarkable if either one could remember this song but as it was playing, Phoenix said, mommy this song sounds like it was in a movie. He continued to say, It sounds like a bird, but it also sounds like someone died and went into the water. Mommy this song sounds like it could be for YaYa (Jimmy's father who passed away when he was one). 

Phoenix was right, I put Yanni's nightingale on a photo montage that I made for the funeral. Could it be that he remembered? Phoenix and Yaya were inseparable and Yaya took care of him while I worked that entire first year since his birth. 

It also reminded me of the things that are important in our life. Our family. And each day, I feel like we have to be reminded that our family should always come first until our children have their own families to tend to.

This memory was a special one. And I hope that I'm able to commit more moments like this to memory. Each day is a blessing when I can wake up with my family.

Fortunate

I have been fortunate to have a life that brings me continuous happiness. I have expounded on my life and the emotional journey that I took to get me to this place. I have learned so much from so many and I thank everyone who I have met that provided me with the knowledge and experience (big or small) that "molded" me to who I am. 

Phyre asked me to turn down the music in the car today because she was busy dreaming. I thought it was wonderful for her to be able to dream up such beautiful dreams that even music was disrupting her dreams. I want her to be able to dream as much and as big as her heart desires but I know that some people find that dreaming is a waste of time. I don't agree because without my childhood dreams, I wouldn't have Jimmy or my beautiful children, and I wouldn't have had Maika Lee. But my "fortune" allowed me to live my dreams.

Today, I am thinking of so many things. I think of the day that I will be able to accept another dog in our home. Excited for the opportunity to have a loving and loyal companion and anxious to see if my heart will allow me to move on.

 I think of the experiences I have had recently that allowed me the opportunity to see things as they are and to let go of what I had hoped. In so many instances, I find myself wanting to trust too soon, to give my friendship 100%, a consideration that is only limited to me. There is no down to this, but it reels me back to the reality that friendship, the kind that is unconditional, is very rare and only a handful of people in my life have mine but sometimes I'm all too willing to give it to people undeserving of it. It brings back to reality that I believe in the good of people but some people can only go so far for anyone but themselves.

Then, I find a humbling moment for myself. A sort of self affirmation. I may have given people the honest truth without filters, giving them the impression that I am not a pleasant person. But the truth of the matter is, I like to see the good in people until I can see that a person is not good. I am not talking about lifestyles, choices you make that is who you are, but I'm talking about the way people treat other people or animals, and how one reacts to the needs of others. I have wonderful friends and family who do things that I do not agree with 100% but their life is not mine to live so there is no reason for me to judge what they do. My opinion and feelings are my own that works for my life and my family. It's a little reminder to myself that I am not a bad person or the bitch that some people want me to be. Trust that I am not but know that at any moment I can be if you so desire.

Lastly, I have dreamt up my own dreams. I can only believe that one day they will come true. I've made decisions in my life that will hopefully lead me to this dream and I look forward to that moment and sharing it with the people I love.

Family

I can recall memories when I was a child that were very happy. Camping in New Hampshire, all of the outdoor Filipino parties we would attend, meeting Lolo Reyes in the U.S. and he buying me my first cabbage patch kid, my sister and best friend - Jeny - who did everything with me. I remember being very happy as a child but those happy memories stopped and all I could remember after 9 was the turmoil our family went through. It was just my parents and my siblings (there are five in total) in the US. I had no aunts or uncles, cousins or grandparents in the states that we had so it was instilled in us that family, our family of seven, were all that we had and that we should love each other always. Part of that meaning I can thank my parents for - always reminding me of that and one of the few things that I am instilling in my children.

As I got older, I've experienced many events that were not simple, were not pleasant, and were quite confusing as a child. At 10, I welcomed my baby brother, the last of the five. I was ecstatic to have a baby to pretend to be mommy with and that's what I did any chance I had. My parents were going through their own hurdles and I knew that their relationship was ending. It took them a long time to finalize it and in that time, there were no more happy memories. My father worked three jobs, my mother was very unhappy. In her state, she became very distant. I can say that now because I'm an adult and recalling those memories in the sequence that they happened, I am more apt to put the puzzle together and form my own opinions. She must have felt unwanted, angry, and self-pity. I don't know because I'm not her but I can imagine how I would feel if I were her in that position. So she threw herself in things that busied her mind - majong, cards, bingo, friends. Needless to say, there were many memories of having no parents at home. There were five of us - I was the second oldest so technically, I could manage the children when they were away. I grew up quickly. It didn't feel any different than what my friends were doing, it felt normal and I wanted to help my mother. I think that's why there were always people in our house, they were very "cool" about having friends over that it was often was the place to hang out. Our house was the natural party house. Slowly I saw a pattern of events. There would be a gathering, someone would create or spread gossip, and my mother would stop talking to someone. Her events became smaller and soon, non existant. She had no more friends. I didn't really think about this until recently. But now in my situation, I find it very coincidental that over a period of time, her friendship with the people I grew up with, ceased. Did she drive them away? Was she too judgmental or concerned about their problems that she took it personal?

All the events in my life, the good, the bad, and the ugly, were all meant to happen. Some people that go through what I've gone through - sulk or have pity on themselves but I took them and learned. I learned to be stronger. I learned for my children so that I could share my experiences with them as they get older and hope that it helps them in their life. I rationalized everything and distanced myself from our family motto of loving one another no matter what because I believe that love is conditional. You want to give unconditional love to people but sometimes the rules change. When they do, it's time to change the conditions of love.

January 2011, an event changed my life forever. It gave me new perspective, it made me stronger, wiser, and created conditions. I've lifted a weight in my heart that has held me down since I was a child. A memory I hid from the world because of how I was brought up to love no matter what. But overtime, I realized that some people bring no value to your life, even if they are family, and when that happens you have to learn to let go. So I did. I accepted what it was and moved on but my mother had a different view. She wished me well and moved on with her life and I followed suit. I cannot regret a decision that was not my own. I have a bond between my sisters that is like no other. I still care for my little brother like the baby he was when she brought him home from the hospital. So there are many times when we are all at the same event and the relationship is still silenced. It does not bother me because it has been a welcomed change - I don't have to listen to moods, endure senseless complaints and domination, and hear how disrespectful everyone is to her when she doesn't see any of her wrongs, especially the anger she gives when you don't agree with her. My relationship with my sisters and brother have not changed. But I have listened tentatively, for the benefits of my siblings knowing and respecting that they have a relationship with her. I have watched her drive her friends away, drive me and my sister away and recall every event that she was involved in and twisted it around to make her look like the heroine.

I know my siblings. I know they love her and they probably don't see things the way I see them. But I've rationalized with the events, personalities, and made my own conclusion.

I have chosen to keep the people who bring value and kindnesses in my life and my families while disposing of those who do not, regardless of relations. I believe that family does not have to be blood but I have an immense joy being with my blood family where ever they are at. The safety of my children means more to me than mending a broken relationship with family. What people think of me does not hurt me so think what you would like because my life still goes on. Don't linger on the past because it keeps you from making the best of your future. What has happened to me, to my family, in the past was unfortunate. I believe it was for a reason and I don't see any reason to fix it. I have done no wrong in assuring that Jimmy and my children are kept safe and happy. I will have no regrets in the end due to these changes and decisions. I believe that this is what's supposed to be but I often think that one of two things will happen at the end for her - she'll realize she was wrong and wished she'd change or she'll believe she was right all along. Either way - she'll be miserable and I'd like to feel sorry for her but that is her decision and not mine to dwell on. I can only control myself but I wish the best for everyone.

Looking forward to the future, blessed to have today, and thankful for the past.