What comes from effort and strain

I am number 2 in a line of 5. The oldest girl. My role as the oldest girl was developed innately. I am a caretaker, a fixer, and a teacher. There are responsibilities I inherently want to take on because of how I grew up. Doing things for others, always having a purpose, keeps me engaged. I don’t resent it; it gave me direction and purpose early in life because, for the most part, I enjoyed being the person everyone could count on. I liked taking care of my siblings. It was definitely not without arguments, even at times coming to physical blows or defending each other from outsiders. When my sister was in second grade and I, her older sister, was in 5th grade, she came home crying. I asked her why, and she said a boy pushed her off her bike. So I told her to tell me where he is. I went up to the boy and told him “don’t ever touch my sister ever again”, in front of all the other kids, and punched him in his face. Similarly, while in middle school and my older brother in high school, I told him a boy at one of the bus stops was being mean to me. He did what I have done and asked who he was. So he drove me in a car to the bus stop the boy was at and drove towards the boy, stopping dead in front of him. He said, " Don’t fuck with my sister ever again.” And that boy never did. 
We fight, but no matter what, we always make amends and defend each other. This aspect of our upbringing says more about our culture than about our family. Filipinos are known for bringing in people regardless of relationship. They love passionately and seek joy in everything. Family is always first, no matter how distant the relationship. Everyone is a tita, tito, kuya, or ate, lola, or lolo. This way of addressing the people in your life creates connection, support, and a community that will support you fiercely while also talking shit about you to the titas (also a thing that Filipinos love to do).
Growing up, there was no shortage of people coming in and out of our house and sometimes staying with us because of personal issues. It was the place to be. My mother didn’t care, so people gravitated towards hanging out at the Reyes residence. I had so many friends, or so I thought, but there were a core few who were the hangout crew. After high school, one of my “best friends” slept with my ex. That broke our friendship. The other, we just grew apart. And then, out of trauma, one of the friends I had lingering in the background became the one that I couldn’t imagine life without. These experiences influenced how I would approach relationships in the future. I realized I put a lot of effort into relationships that don’t always have a mutual alignment with the word friend. It became apparent that the effort I would give didn’t hold much value to the individuals I was giving it to. So I became protective of those I already knew were aligned with me, and that group consisted of my siblings at first.
The next forever friend to join this circle was Natara. She was the one lingering in the background. We knew each other in school. She and my younger sister were closer at first, and she was our dance captain. But when she left for college, I wanted to make sure I stayed in touch. I would see her when she went to undergrad or when we were both home for breaks. Her mom and my ex’s mom also worked together for a very long time. Mama W and Natara would tell me they didn’t think he was a good fit for me. You couldn’t tell me anything in those days. I had to learn the lessons myself. 
What I realized is that I had to choose friends better. Hanging out didn’t define friendship. I started to define it the way I had defined my family. But how do you know those qualities exist in someone else? You don’t. So I looked for other things, characteristics I admired, people who were not self-serving, and looked for the joys of life. The reason this had to change is because I realized that there is no amount of effort I would put into making sure my family was taken care of. And if my forever friends are going to be an extension of family, I had to be really sure that the effort I put in my relationships is meaningful because it can be heart-breaking and exhausting when the effort is taken for granted.
I saw some of these qualities I admired in Natara. There was drive, passion for a cause, a need to never settle for less; she also loved her family fiercely, and her relationship with her brother was something that people would admire. Natara and Carlton used The Huxtables as inspiration - Doctor and Lawyer with Natara the lawyer. Sitting here thinking of those days, listening to Natara talk about her brother and seeing their bond, actually brings me to tears. Carlton lost his life after a battle with non-Hodgkin lymphoma. This is the trauma that changed our relationship. I immediately came back home when Natara called me to tell me about his passing. There was no hesitation that I needed to be there for her and her family. So I drove the 3 hours to be with them.
The thing about Natara is that she has a switch. When she switches to taking care of business, she can do it with ease. When she switches to taking care of her family, it is equally easy. That weekend was filled with an overload of both, and trying to coordinate the funeral and the people at the same time. Carlton was loved by so many. People from high school, his friends, basketball players, coaches, and those he worked with came to pay their respect. So I stepped in whenever I saw Natara needed help. I didn’t define my role, but if Natara said she had to do something, and I knew I could do it, I would do it. Consoling her mother was the hardest job for everyone. I took on some of this responsibility to help Natara since she had moved out of town. I came home to help Mama and Papa W around the house. Setting up the internet, going through old items that needed to be donated, or just taking them shopping to get out of the house. 
Later, this family would come to my rescue. During the recession, I had lost my job and our youngest was born a month later. We became a one income household with a baby who was allergic to the world. Literally. If it had not been for the help that this family gave us during those two years, it would have been a much harder time. But Mama W and Natara wasn’t haven’t any of it. And Papa W loved having the babies over. He had a cookie jar of a dog and every time you opened his mouth it would play the song “who let the dogs out”. The kids loved it and he loved playing with the kids and hearing them laugh.
You know that lump in your throat that you get when you try to hold in emotions, because if you allow the emotion to hit your eyes, you’ll fall apart. That’s what I feel now, writing about this family. How much they mean to me and how much loss they’ve endured. Later, when her father passes away, it was equally devastating to us all. The unfortunate part is that we had all done this before. There was a familiarity to the rhythm we didn’t want to acknowledge, and the realization that only the women of the family were left to share the rest of this life together. And I will be here for them until it is our time. 
Our childhood influences us as adults. How we choose to use our experience will define whether it is a life full of meaning and purpose, or one that we resent holding us hostage. There were plenty of experiences and memories that I had that are hurtful to remember. There are choices I made that I look back on and wonder why I made them. However, the things and people I choose to put effort into are the ones that have to have a lasting impact. We don’t have to benefit from the effort all the time, but we have to learn from it. The experience teaches us to form new ways of seeing the bigger picture, bringing meaning into focus. The strain we feel in the worst of times can enable you to find strength when others need it most. And the hope is that we can use what we’ve learned to support others.