the best thing

It's 4:30am and I laid next to my son watching his eyes get heavy with each blink, his breathing slow to a calm easy pace, the pucker around the nipple of his bottle slow to a stop, until he fell asleep. And when the bottle dropped to his side, and the lids of eyes didn't open, my heart smiled and I knew I was watching the best thing in the world, my beautiful little boy asleep.

Lately, this has been a ritual with him. He hasn't been able to sleep at night and one of us, Jimmy or me, stays up with him until he can. I know he's needed us to fall asleep but mostly his eczema keeps him up. Today though, he was up because he wasn't tired. No itching. No crying out in pain. No frustration. Just pure happy energy. And I, having took a short nap, didn't mind it at all. Any night that isn't full of painful itching is a good night for him.

Some parents may read this and think that I'm absolutely absurd to allow our children not to have a set schedule of bedtime. We never did and probably never will. Right now, they are able to get a full nights rest no matter what time of day they sleep. They are loved, nurtured, kept well and safe, and are extremely brilliant children without a schedule and it works for us.

I'm thankful for the nights that I know Phantom is well. And even though I'm up at 4:30am writing this blog, I'm happy knowing my boy fell asleep because he wore himself out playing instead of itching. One day, the nights like these will be more frequent and sleep will come easier for us all. Tonight, I'll just cherish the thought that I know he was happy just before he fell asleep and his mind is in a good place dreaming good things. Now it's my turn. Good night.

The Egg

By: Andy Weir

You were on your way home when you died.
It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.

And that’s when you met me.

“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”
“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.
“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”
“Yup,” I said.
“I… I died?”
“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.

You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”

“More or less,” I said.
“Are you god?” You asked.
“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”
“My kids… my wife,” you said.
“What about them?”
“Will they be all right?”

“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”
You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”

“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”
“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”
“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”
“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”
You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”
“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”
“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”
“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”

I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.

“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”

“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”
“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”
“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”
“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”'
“Where you come from?” You said.
“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”

“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”
“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”
“So what’s the point of it all?”
“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”
“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.

I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”
“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”
“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”
“Just me? What about everyone else?”

“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”

You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”
“All you. Different incarnations of you.”
“Wait. I’m everyone!?”
“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.
“I’m every human being who ever lived?”
“Or who will ever live, yes.”
“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”
“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.
“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.
“And you’re the millions he killed.”
“I’m Jesus?”
“And you’re everyone who followed him.”
You fell silent.

“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”
You thought for a long time.
“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”
“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”
“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”
“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”
“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”
“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”
And I sent you on your way.

Road to Recovery

I've gone through much in my life that has allowed me to be who I am today. But tomorrow, I may experience something that will make me a better person the following day. This is how I've decided to live my life a very long time ago. A friend of mine, Stan, posted this on his FB page. It is not his quote but it defines how we all should live,

“You only fail at something if you didn't learn anything from the experience".


I have revealed an inner burden that I was capable of locking away for so many years. In so many ways, I feel a sense of relief. In others, there are so many unknowns that still hold me back from fully letting go. In due time, I hope to.


 I know for certain that I will keep learning and changing myself for the better. I know that Jimmy will always be by my side and my children will always make me smile and love me unconditionally as I will all of them. 


I'm living in the now, not the past, and not the future but I'm grateful for it all. 

MAC

My beloved companion and friend MAC died... MAC would be my computer who died of exhaustion from me working it too hard and probably a little jealousy. I got Mac for a birthday present about five years ago from Jimmy Kwong. He's the best ever! But now, MAC won't wake up and I can't post pictures like I would usually do and I'm stuck using my ipad or Jimmy's MAC (traitor) to post blogs. But know that my first MAC will always hold a special place in my heart. Rest in Peace MAC - You were the best!
On another note - look what I found on Jimmy's MAC! This is why he's the best ever!

My sleeping boys. Jimmy always had to do this with Phoenix. When Phoenix was a baby he insisted he had to get into the crib to let Phoenix sleep. I never did that but Jimmy said it worked for him, se la vi.

Jimmy loves this picture. He always likes hiding his face but I love his face.

Look how small our little buddy Phantom is and how clear his skin looks. He's just the best baby ever.

My beautiful baby girl Phyre and her best friend Asia. She tells me all the time that she wants Asia to be her sister. I told her that Asia's parents would miss her but she can still call Asia her sister if she'd like. One day baby girl, Mommy and Daddy will get you a sister just like Asia I promise!

And so it begins

I have a new peace in my heart, the weight off my shoulders, and the rest of my life to relish in the love of Jimmy, our kids, sisters, and friends. As I lay here next to my "delicious boy"-Phoenix and my most loyal girl - Maika, I realize how beautiful my life is and will forever be.

When to say when

I have a wonderful family. Jimmy loves me, my kids love me, and my sisters are irreplaceable. I firmly believe in nurturing our relationships with fun, understanding, and love. But love is not enough on it own. Everything that has happened in my life taught me a lesson in which i responded to in changing how I am and how I respond. This was my choosing and I did this for myself, by myself. The last week has shown me that everyone is not the same even if you are of blood. That even though you love someone, it is not enough to make a relationship meaningful. That sometimes you forget your love and the words that come out or the actions displayed are too much to go back to the way things were. It is time to say, enough already, move on and remember the good and learn from the bad. Learn from these mistakes and know that you are not the only one in the world. That all the littles eyes are watching your actions, hearing your words, and you can't take that back. That sometimes your pride has to be put aside and someone, you, should make the right choice for the sake of everyone especially the little ones. I wish that you could learn from all of this. I hope that it will happen. For now, my choice is to protect my family from ever having to see that again.

The holidays

We've made great memories these holidays and our children are happy. I couldn't ask for anything more. Wishing happiness to all of you.