My Husband

I don't usually refer to him as 'My husband' but for today, Jimmy Kwong IS my husband. My husband has a sense of ownership or possessiveness. I do not own Jimmy Kwong nor do I possess him. He is my partner for life.

We are both very independent people not needing each others approval or constant companionship but wanting it. We are open to our space and cherish our closeness. We have trust unlike any other and value each others strengths and differences.

 It took a little time before we got to this place but it was an investment of time that proved worthy. We don't have moments of jealousy because in our trust, we find nothing that can tempt us away from our partnership and everything we've built.  I had a dream one day and woke up telling Jimmy that he told me, in my dream, that he had feelings for a girl named Kim... It was funny to both of us but even more funny because afterwards Jimmy said he didn't like the name Kim and in so many words said he would immediately get rid of her if he ever came across a girl named Kim, then ironically said " watch that my manager's name is Kim". And even though my dream was just that, a dream - we are free in our relationship to talk about things that most couples may fuss over and poke fun at ourselves. We feel comfortable with our relationship that innocent flirting with others is in abundance. Those that know us know that about us, and those that meet us quickly find that out. In Jimmy's line of work, girls are always around him and I have always had more guy friends then gal friends. We never second guess our commitment to each other.

We don't hold in the petty stuff - like pretending that each other is supposed to know how the other feels without word. How can either one of us assume how the other feels if we don't talk about it. In our busy lives, which seems separate sometimes, we find ourselves craving for each other but the way we do is very different. He is content with a time behind closed doors, watching a movie on the couch together, or catching up on our favorite episodes. I happen to like more individual attention away from home and away from our children. When we find the time to satisfy my craving, we make it perfectly clear to each other that the time is for us and when we don't mind others to join in on our nights out, we make sure there is approval on both ends. In the end, I find myself more thankful of our relationship and my husband. He has taught me many things, experienced so much, created a family that people dream about and I owe that, in part to, my husband ~ Jimmy Kwong. I love you.

Maika Lee

Sometime in April of 2000, I befriended a man at work named Scott. Scott bred pitbulls and unlike most people, he didn't breed them for fighting but for the love of the breed. This was the time when the pitbull was probably at it's height of bad publicity. My brother and his friends were those who made that image more pronounced. Not that they fought them but they kept up the image of the big bad dog that terrifies people. I saw this breed for much more than just a good guard dog but a really gentle loyal animal. So I vowed to change that image. Scott gave me Maika. He said he hand picked her from the litter of a red/red nose father and a brindle mother. All the pups came out like the father - some with a black nose like Maika - the only trait reminiscent of her mother. The father's name was Neiko and since she looked so much like him I named her Maika.

 Maika as a pup was not so scary. But as she grew older she gained a beautiful solid body that made people very scared of her. So I tried to dress her up in not so scary things. I had young nephews around her all the time and people were always scared for them around Maika. But Maika was more protective of them than anything. She watched them carefully as they swam in the pool making sure they were okay and that strangers wouldn't approach. It was very important for me that she was well behaved so I spent the money to send her away for a five day doggie boot camp. It was the best money I spent in my life. She is a dominate girl and had some bad times being dog aggressive but she was never aggressive towards people.

 This is Maika and Staley.

One of the not so smart decisions I made was to breed her. I wanted so much for people to have what I had that I decided to breed her with a pit that I thought would be a good partner. She had 10 puppies and we kept one. After Staley turned 2 he had a different demeanor and I was pregnant. He bit someone and cornered me twice. Jimmy and I decided to put him down because of his unpredictability. I did not want to make the image of this breed worse by keeping a dog just for the sake of it and I did not want to harm my unborn child. There was some really good times with Staley and we will always remember him as the good boy and not the unpredictable boy. That led me to think of how many other puppies were aggressive as well. I know one pup for sure who was a submissive girl that is a model dog for the breed but who knows what happened to the rest.

When Phyre was born, Maika was drawn to her-stayed close at all times and when Phyre cried Maika would bark until we got her. They were inseparable but those people who were skeptics of the breed still felt the need to warn me that at any moment Maika can bite the baby. That never happened.

Maika was my first child - my baby girl. There were times in my life where I crawled down and snuggled her on the cement floor or brought her with me where ever I went. As we added to our family she became more docile and obedient.

Phoenix tells me every day how much he loves her and they sit together all the time like this watching TV.

She follows Phantom around knowing that any time Phantom will drop what he's eating and she can pick it up. Phantom has learned that Maika likes it when he drops his food so now Phantom just throws his food on the ground so Maika can eat it. On the other hand, Phantom sits by her food bowl while she eats and takes her kibbles out of the bowl to eat as well. Why he likes dog food is beyond me but it shows you that food aggression in dogs can be tamed.  That makes them best friends and Maika has no objections.

I want everyone to know that this breed isn't the bad news you see on TV ~ They are smart, strong, loyal, and obedient but to keep it this way it takes an equally smart, strong, loyal and obedient human to care for them and guide them. This breed is not for dumb or lazy people.

I don't give her near as much attention as I used to because I have three children that need me. I know they made up for everything I haven't been giving her.  I can't think of the day when our time together will cease but for now this blog is dedicated to my most loyal and loving girl. She's been everything I wanted in a dog and even though she's thinned out and gone gray, she'll always be my baby girl.

There are days

when I feel tired and exhausted. Yesterday was not one of those days. It might be the coffee I made for myself that was super strong. It could be my boys being so loving  and affectionate or my awareness of my body shrinking. This picture shows me at my heaviest. While Phantom was in my belly I was 180 pounds. Two days later (the day of this picture) I had not lost the weight because my body retained more water and I was swollen for two weeks. Jimmy and I both knew that Phantom would be our last baby that came from me so there was no reason for me to be this anymore.

This is one year after Phantom's birth - on his birthday, I had lost 50 pounds. Yes I can say that at least 20 pounds of it was water weight from the birth and swelling but the other was because I promised myself to get back to my normal weight. I started to change the way I ate - no rice at night (and you know that's hard for an Asian), drinking water only, and slowly changing my diet to healthier choices rather than having coffee and pastries every afternoon with my mother in law. Then at the beginning of 2010 I promised to exercise. That began with a friend walking and working out twice a week. Then we added friends and days of walking. We got up to five days of walking a three mile trail. Four weeks before a planned vacation for just Jimmy and I, I took a fitness boot camp that helped me tone in areas and lose a few inches. So much so that the pants size I usually wear at VS had to be returned two times to get the right size which is now VS size 4! Boot camp was amazing and it gave me a better awareness of how working out is more than just losing weight but how you feel every day and how hard it is in the moment but how wonderful you feel as soon as your done.

That's us during our vacation. I still got up every morning to work out at the hotel gym. Now, my schedule is a little bit crazy and I'm not able to workout as often but I still remain active with my kids - playing every day - really playing. My eating habits are the same as it was when I changed it over a year ago. But yesterday, as we were playing my clothes were falling off of me, making me more aware that somehow I am still shrinking. I tried on a shirt I had bought four or five years ago that was tight on me. When I tried it on last night I felt comfortable in it. Anyone can lose weight. Women, your body may not look like it used to but I am the fittest I've ever been in my life. I feel amazing and I am completely comfortable in my skin. The only person that has to be okay with my body is me. Jimmy being okay with my body is just a bonus and I love bonuses!

VOTE for Phantom

Phantom is in the XL 106.7 Cutest baby contest. It would mean a lot to me to have everyone vote for him. Go to www.XL1067.com and click on the banner that says XL'ent BABY contest (I think it's after the Jesse McCartney banner) then click on the letter P and Phantom will be there. Remember to verify your email address and go back to the site and vote! THANK YOU!
Here is the picture that was submitted.

Thank you in advance!

WOOOOOW

It started when you said I didn't listen to you before. Then I realized what they were saying about me stubbing my toe. It didn't really hit me until then and now I can't shake it.


Beautiful babies - my source of all happiness. My time is spent entirely with them. I have moments that are seldom to myself and find that I can easily tune out one for another. But I also see myself being alone even though I am never alone.

It's the feeling that you don't know how I feel or what I do or that you think I can do everything you want me to. I've told you before how I felt and I guess you didn't listen. I am super in so many ways but my super powers can only take me so far and sometimes even super people need a break from being super.

I'm not afraid of getting things done. There is no obstacle I can't tackle. It's what I don't want to do that I miss. Even staring at this beautiful face that makes me smile to infinity still remind me that a woman needs her time to be a woman - not just a mom, wife, sister, or daughter - but a woman. There is no shame in that.

一團糟

These pictures will not coincide with what I'm going to write because the pictures I do want to post would be self-incriminating, but they are my own. Thus the title that few people will translate (hoping I did it correctly).

This has been on my chest for so long and every day that goes by, I feel a range of emotions that leaves me helpless.

My persona is complex in many instances. I am deeply compassionate but with boundaries. I am eager to help those who are within the boundaries if it means traveling to Mars and back.

I watch the depths of your soul escape you every time you give in. I watch your strength leave you as you make excuses and try to validate what is not real. I see the emptiness and the hopelessness that becomes of it and I can't do anything to help you because you don't want to help yourself.

The words that flow have no meaning but you find meaning for the brief moment of happiness. My sadness grows deeper and I become helpless to help you. My only wish is for you to be as strong as you think you are uncompromising. I had a premonition and I want so much for it never to come true but know I am always here for you.

And maybe one day, the weakness will set you free and you will be you - in all your beauty.

Halloween

The children had so much fun last night. Even though Phantom is broken out, he's in his organic cotton mitten clothes to help with the itching and the monkey costume was adorable on him. He did everything the other kids did. Walked up to the doors, smiled, and held out his pumpkin.

He sat next to Tom on the trolly (Not Charlie, Phyre). He really enjoyed walking around with the other kids.

Here are the boys, Adrian as Batman and Phantom as a monkey hitching a ride on the stroller.Even though he can't eat any of it, we allowed him to hold the candies in his hand with the wrappers on until he found a way to open it. He didn't mind when we took it away because he had a bucket full.

Then this morning, he was interested in looking at Elephants. My favorite. He doesn't have his mitten shirts on because they're all in the wash. His arms are covered in rashes and he's constantly itching but for a moment he forgot he wanted to scratch and his happiness exudes.