No news is good news

It has been a long time since I last posted a blog. So much has happened. It's been a journey through life that I've been nothing but thankful for. Since my last post, I traveled to NC for training. Met some really awesome people, one of which is in this super goofy picture. Jason was my pool pal while we were trapped at hotel Aloft. At least it was a nice hotel and it had a pool table. Made the time there not so bad. I know we were both missing our families back home and we talked about them constantly. It's good to meet people who have a love for their family similar to your own because Lord knows where my heart is.

I've had moments of serious sadness missing my girl. Think about her every day and wishing that dogs could live forever. She'll always be with me.

In my moment of sadness, I had the incessant desire to find a puppy for the kids. There was a hint of need for me because my pain was so deep losing my Maika. I knew what kind of dog I wanted and I knew I didn't want anything like Maika. Not yet. She's my girl and I didn't want to replace her. I wanted to find a dog the kids would really enjoy and I did. Meet Penny Lane. 

We had Christmas fun. It's really fantastic having children and watching their excitement during the holidays. My children are like many children in the US. They have multiple Christmas'. One at home, and one at each grandparent's home. We have a large family so each child gets a million gifts on top of what Santa gives them. We're very blessed to have the family that we do and how close we are to each other. I'm thankful every day for my family.

I bet you couldn't imagine the enormity of the love that I have for my husband and children. This face makes me laugh, cry, smile, and everything you could feel in your heart, and from your head down to the tips of your toes. He's my baby and he's so very special. Much of my time is caring for this little guy but I don't mind it one bit. He is my Phantom.

 My beautiful girl. She's really the perfect girl that I could ever ask for. She's talented beyond belief and I love her dearly. My Phyre.

 Take a look at my big boy. Phoenix is my little genius. He has amazed me more than you could imagine.  He has learned things faster than most children at just about everything he does. He learned to walk fairly young at 10 months old. He learned to transform complex transformers at the age of 2. He has learned dinosaurs, robots, sharks, you name it, my boy can tell you about it. He is amazing and my little love muffin.

Take a break. Check this out. That's me!

 Took the kids to have breakfast with ELMO at Sea World and saw Lazy Town live! Phantom had a blast but Phyre was too old for the show. My children are growing up too fast.

My big boy turned 5. I remember when I couldn't imagine Phyre turning 5 let alone Phoenix. They grow up so fast and before you know it, I'll be "driving them to the mall to hang out with their friends" sneaking behind them to make sure their safe. Here are all my children on his birthday with their cousins CC and Cito. Makes me laugh every time I see this picture. Thanks Tita Sarah!

My big boy on his big day!
















Lastly, back in December my professional work husband and I decided to make our office more homely. I committed to painting a picture for the office. When we were done sprucing it up, I started to gather the supplies needed for my painting but quickly realized that what I envisioned was more complicated than I originally planned. During a very busy time in the office, my class, my children, husband, and the challenges in between, I became obsessed with finishing this painting. Jokes were made at work about how I had time to do this but no one knows what I am capable of doing.  If the people at work knew what I do, no one would question that I don't make good use of my time and in my spare time at home, I finished this amazing picture.

To conclude, I find myself closer and closer to my vision. It is only a matter of time before I accomplish what I need to and create a new vision. To the love of my life, Jimmy Kwong: You are my everything and everyday I am thankful that you chose me to share this amazing life. I am so proud of all of your hard work that put forth into your dream only to see it finally come to fruition. I love you.

The house is a home

You know that excitement you get when Halloween comes? The excitement that the holidays are upon us.  I missed the excitement because my mind was on Maika Lee and other things. I found the excitement, officially, yesterday. My entire family joined the festivities outdoors to partake in putting up the lights on our house. It's the first time we put lights up on our own house. We stayed outside and drew on the sidewalk. The kids were covered in chalk but they were so happy drawing and playing.

 The Christmas tree is up and last night we hung the stocking over the office door and put up cool lights in the kids room that flash different colors. Then I spent all night buying gifts for all the special people in my life - online of course.

I don't have Maika Lee this year. I looked at the stocking I made her last year where I spelled her name incorrectly. Made me laugh for a moment then I was sad. I almost tucked her stocking behind mine just so I'd have her with me this Christmas. This Christmas will be a little different. She's not going to be sitting in our family pictures during Christmas but I have another person to fill the spot - Brine. It was kind of cute the other day while having Thanksgiving Dinner, Phyre was explaining to another child that Brine was her adoptive brother. LOL. I love that my girl is so welcoming. I guess I prepared her for an adoption early on for her to think of Brine as her brother. It's lovely really.

So as I sit here writing to you, I tell you that our house is a home. It may be small and we may not have fancy things but we have a whole lot of love and happiness. Where ever you are, make your "house" a home. Bring happiness and love into your home and bask in it like a happy dog rolling in the grass on a sunny afternoon.

Emotions run high

After we put Maika Lee down, I've been an emotional basket case, about to cry on a whim about anything. I'm reading the article about the parents who named their children after Nazis and wanted to decorate their child's birthday cake with Hitler. ARE YOU SERIOUS! So I got emotional now knowing first hand beautiful people who were held against their will at Auschwitz. I'm sitting here thinking how their grandson loved them so much that he wants to get their numbers tattooed on himself. A way to memorialize his beloved grandfather who has recently passed away. His grandmother, also an occupant of the camp is the sweetest person I've ever met. The glow in her face when she saw her grandson perform. These are the people that those terrible mongrels and their even more horrible leader decided to play God. And there are Americans who idolize Hitler and his grotesque team of idiots. If you do, you too deserve the same fate of all those who lost their lives not too long ago.

So there I go again, a basket case.

For you and your family Matt. I'm a better person to have known your grandfather for the short period of time I got to speak with him and knowing your grandmother.

To be or not to be

Things are definitely different in the Kwong house. Everything happened all at once. I can't think of Maika for too long because I'm still very emotional. My little and big loves of my life have been ill. Watching them hurt makes me hurt. I have one thing off my plate, and that is my class. I get to relax for a little bit and enjoy the holidays even if it is without my #1. I'm preparing a photo album for her. I can't express how much she meant to me and many won't understand it - Maika Lee being a dog and all. She was my partner and friend for eleven years.

Our girl is gone

It's the morning after... The quiet is so different from before. Everything about this house is different. I just have to think of her and my emotions take over. I was prepared but when it's all said and done there is still a void. Like my friend would say, Maika was a slice of my pie, and now she's gone. There's no heavy snoring next to me where she slept, no looks of adoration, no barks of protections, no Maika Lee. I don't like this quiet. I miss her. But I'll get used to it. Maika Lee, you'll always be my number one. I love you.

another sleepless night

My last post was about my dog and having to put her down. But I think God was on my side on that day that we took her to the Vet. He wanted to try something and I agreed to it. If she lasted the night, the outcome looked good for her and we wouldn't have to put her down. So we tried it... And she lasted through the night. She's still getting into things but at least she's still with us for a little while longer.

Phantom woke up at 2:30am. I haven't been able to go back to sleep. What do I do when I can't sleep? I write. There are so many things that go through my head and I've decided to do something that will change the way someone thinks. I guess that's what's keeping me up. I've struggled with this decision for ten months now and I think the time has come to let it out. It's not going to be easy but I'll feel better afterwards knowing I don't have to keep it secret. Then there's the letter. I've been too busy to think about it. But today, in my sleepless night, I'll respond.

I was hoping I wasn't going to be emotional. Mentally preparing myself for the conversation. I haven't been emotional when talking about it before but this time it will be different. I just have to remind myself that it will be okay. All will be okay.

It's time to say good-bye

One day back in 2000 I went to a co-workers home to see some pups. I was so excited because I was finally going to bring home a pup for myself. He handed me a tiny little puppy with a black nose and I decided to call her Maika. She was only five weeks old when I brought her home. 

She was the cutest thing I could lay my eyes on. Before Maika was mine, I was around the breed often. It was a time when they were shunned and people were afraid of them. My purpose with Maika Lee was to make sure she could impact people in a good way and the breed rap would change. So I started early, bringing her everywhere I went, introducing her to everyone I met, allowing her to play with my nephews. She was the most loving and loyal dog anyone could ever imagine. 

Her instincts were to protect her family. When she was around, I didn't have to worry about strangers coming into our home. If the children were in the other room and Maika was by my side, I knew if there was something wrong with them because she would let me know. If someone came knocking at my door, and I didn't feel safe answering, I'd let her do the talking. But on walks, she'd stay by my side, happily watching everything around her, and when she saw something of interest she'd make it known. She always liked chasing lizards and squirrels. She'd search and sniff out their hiding spots until she saw them move and then pounce. I let her enjoy her time searching and pouncing because that is who she is. She was never aggressive towards people. She enjoyed the company of people and she loved meeting people who wanted to meet her. 

When I was pregnant with Phyre, there was a short period of time when she had to stay outside. There were nights where I'd camp out with her because Maika was never an outside dog. I'd wisk her away and sleep over Jeremy and Maves' place where Maika Lee could sleep beside me, where she was used to sleeping. She was so protective of me during that time that she sometimes wouldn't let Jimmy get close to me. I thought it was funny, but Jimmy didn't. With Maika, even though she'd make her feelings known, she'd never attack anyone and she always listened. I remember when we finally brought Phyre home. It was Maika's first baby, never mind Phyre was my first baby. If Phyre would cry, Maika would come and get me. She'd run around in circles until I got her. If I was laying Phyre down and allowing her to cry before she fell asleep, Maika would whine and run back and forth from the bedroom door to me until she stopped or I got her. Maika hovered over Phyre, protecting her and soothing her. 

Maika only got better with age. She has a grey muzzle now, her body has thinned out, her head isn't so boxy, and she lost some weight over the last eleven years. She would be twelve on February 18th but she won't be making that day this time around. 

I owe a lot to my first girl and her ability to make every day better for me. I knew one day I had to confront her not being with me but no one wants to say good-bye to a friend. I've tried preparing myself years ago but knew that no matter how much you prepare, it's never easy. She will always be my girl. my best friend. my baby. And even though I can't stand the thought of you - Maika Lee - not laying down next to me or following me around everywhere I go, I know you'll be happy where all dogs go - to heaven. Have fun with Marley up there. I'll miss you more than you know and I will always love you.